'AITA for defending my husband for 'jokingly' criticizing my daughter's wealthy husband?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my daughter that she hurt her dad's feelings?"
A few days ago, me and my husband went out to dinner with our daughters Anna and Mary (24 and 18), Anna's husband Tom and his parents. My husband isn't a big fan of Tom, he thinks he shows off his wealth (Tom has a very high paying job and his family is very well off too). Anna was carrying a really expensive Chanel bag, which she said Tom got her as a gift for her birthday recently.
Things were going well, when my husband made a comment about how instead of buying expensive purses, Tom should've donated that money to charity. It wasn't a malicious comment, just a statement. Tom said that it was a birthday gift and he wanted to spoil her, my husband didn't say anything else and we moved on.
At the end of the dinner when we were all leaving, my husband said 'imagine having so much money and not using it for good'. He said it jokingly and I laughed it off. Tom and his parents got defensive and said it's wrong of him to assume they 'don't do charity' and he shouldn't be making comments like that. Anna then said that it's none of our business and everyone left heated up.
My husband was saying after we came back home that Anna had changed after getting married into such a pretentious family. He said that he was disappointed that I hadn't supported him when he was getting attacked by Anna and Tom and as a husband expects his wife to have his back.
I agreed that I should've said something to Anna, so I called her later and said that she and her new family have hurt her dad's feelings and he's a very generous man so of course he expects her to be the same. Anna got mad and said that I'm an enabler. I told her that they turned a joke into a fight and she was insulting her own family to impress her husband's.
Mary told me that both me and my husband were being unfair and rude to Anna and Tom, but I was just trying to make her see our side. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
RefillSunset said:
YTA. You assume they do not donate money to charity and enable your husband, who is very obviously jealous and insecure. They didnt turn a joke into a fight. Your husband disguised a fight as a joke, went in, got rebutted, and left butthurt, and now you are sympathetic he didnt get catered to.
Go apologize to your daughter. She deserves it, having a nice evening ruined by her father's petty insecurities. She sees your side. Your side is wrong.
finkplamingoes said:
YTA (though your husband is a bigger AH). Anna and Tom "attacked" him?? They were simply standing up to his comments which may or may not have had any basis in truth, and either way, weren't called for. Who knows what else the family does/spends their money on?
Isn't it within the realm of possibility that they do both? No one asked for his opinion. By taking his side on this, you are being an enabler, and alienating your daughter while you're at it. Your husband is gonna need to be a big boy on this one and learn to take it, since he's so good at dishing it.
kriswiet said:
YTA sorry but your husband seems to feel financially insecure and that’s his problem, not your daughters. He is in the wrong and you should not defend him. Her husband and her can spend money however they feel.
thegloracle said:
YTA. and so is your husband. A jealous, crab-in-a-bucket asshole. You both owe Anna and her husband a sincere apologies.
Response from OP:
A lot of comments are saying that we're are 'insecure' of our SIL's wealth. That's honestly laughable, because my husband has a very good job/income and so do I. There's nothing to be 'jealous' of.
She later shared this update:
I read through all the comments and took the time to revaluate everything. A lot of the comments were saying how my husband felt inferior to Tom and his family, I will actually disagree to that and say he feels superior. I thought back and realized over the years he always thought he was superior to anyone, especially his own family - us.
He was the greatest, he can do no wrong and I was blinded and went along with this behavior. He'd start arguments with our girls for no reason, maybe they shared info about something they researched, he'd always have to jump in to say 'no, no this is wrong, I did more research than you and I have the facts'.
It was always 'look at me, I do this, I do that'. He never liked Tom because he felt his family wasn't "humble", even though they haven't done anything to suggest that - but he thought that because they didn't suck up to him.
Me and him sat down and had a long, serious conversation about this. Of course he thought I was overreacting and defending Anna and Tom against him. I told him to apologize to Tom, he refused. I then said at the very least, he should apologize to Anna - he said he had done nothing to apologize for, especially to his own children.
This went on for a couple of days, I suggested counseling, he said he didn't need counseling but maybe I did because "I don't understand how anything works". Bottom line - we've separated and are getting divorced. I've realized that I've had enough of this, acting as an enabler to someone with no desire to change and the biggest thing, that I didn't support my daughters in order to support him.
Both Anna and Mary have supported me in this. My (ex) husband just said something about how 'we never appreciated him' and 'this is for the better, he deserves more'. Good riddance, I say.
Thanks everyone for your comments and really helping me see everything and realize I was justifying his behavior. I'm doing well and so are my daughters - I've personally apologized to Tom and his family from my end and they have been understanding. Looking forward to new beginnings!