'AITA for defending myself with my sister after taking legal custody of my nephew?'
"AITA for defending myself with my sister after taking legal custody of my nephew?"
Small_Zebra_5277
My husband (30m) and I (30f) won legal custody of my nephew Kian (15m) in June. Since September 2022 Kian had been living with us on and off. It started out with the intent to be temporary.
But my sister would take Kian back and then send him to live with us again. She'd visit him frequently at times and then go weeks without any contact. She'd vent to me about it.
Then she'd complain that we weren't fulfilling our end of the agreement. Kian wanted to stay with me, my husband and our children. We knew it wasn't good for Kian to have the back and forth and inconsistency.
We knew he wanted to be with us. So we asked the courts to give us legal custody instead of having a family agreement going on. Even during court proceedings my sister would take Kian back and then send him to us again. A therapist was involved, someone from CPS, and they ultimately decided my husband and I should have custody.
To explain background. Kian is my sister's oldest child. She had him with her late husband Sean. Sean died when Kian was 5. When Kian was 7 my sister met her second husband and she married him about 18 months after they first met.
She now has more children with her second husband. Kian was distant with them from the start. He was civil to my sister's husband but also expressed that he didn't want his mom to get married again.
My sister chose to ignore it at the time and convinced herself that Kian would come around and would love having a dad in the house again. He was disinterested in his younger half siblings from the start and it was only when my sister read some homework Kian had done and had answered a question with "I don't have siblings" she started to take it seriously.
My sister decided they needed family therapy. Kian was open that he didn't have any feelings for his half siblings or stepdad. He hated spending time with them and wished it could be just him and his parents again.
They had some homework to do. Kian's honesty during the homework, that he would never treasure memories with his half siblings, was when my sister first asked us to take him in.
She wanted him to work on that. She hoped distance would make him realize he did care or would make him more willing to try. But it didn't, it hasn't. He likes not seeing them. He likes seeing my sister, misses her and gets upset when he doesn't but he has never once missed his stepdad or half siblings.
My sister is furious we went for legal custody and even more furious that we won. She asked how I could do that and I told her we had spoken about the upheaval not being good for anyone.
But she was still back and forth with Kian. I told her I had to put him first when she was making his life so unstable. She asked how I could defend myself when I made sure Kian can't reconcile with them now.
I told her she could still see him, the judge even said it. And she could always work on committing to him. She said I was punishing her just as much as Kian is and she'll never forgive me for it. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NewtoFL2
NTA. I agree with PP, CPS does not easily take kids out of home. But if what you say is true, that your sister asked you to take him in, they might construe that as your sister kicking him out. Are you in the US? Is she more furious that she has lost his social security benefits? Does he come with any other benefits.
The OP responded here:
Small_Zebra_5277
Yes, I'm in the US. She's furious that I went the legal route to take him because she can't just take him back whenever now. I think it's also the fact that she can't let her emotions dictate whether he's there or here anymore.
She wants him with them, I do believe that. But she wants him back in the perfect way where he suddenly loves his half siblings and stepdad and wants to be a family. There's a lot more work to do and she was frustrated with no progress that she wanted to see.
Stranger0nReddit
Something is definitely missing here. You don't win custody of someone else's child and have CPS involved if there isn't something unsavory going on.
The OP again responded:
Small_Zebra_5277
It was on the grounds of stability which is not something she was able to offer. Even during the whole process she took back custody but then sent him to us again. Which was noted by the woman from CPS and the court appointed therapist.
OoohItsAMystery
NTA. You're stepping up to help a kid who's mother plowed over his feelings to accomodate her own. Did I expect her to be alone and single forever? No. But it sounds like Kian needed time and your sister wanted a new family.
She can't just expect things to go perfectly. She never cared what he wanted in the first place, why care now? It's good of you to take him in and out him first, he needs it. Good on you.
almalauha
NTA. You did the right thing for Kian. It's not ok for his mum to keep sending him away when, I am guessing, his behaviour at home became unbearable/detrimental to her other kids to whom she also has a duty of care.
SeraphicSunrise
You’re not the A-hole. You did what was best for Kian’s stability. Your sister is upset, but you were trying to make sure Kian had a consistent home.