'AITA for deliberately misunderstanding my child's father?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for deliberately misunderstanding my child's father?"

So I had a baby some weeks ago with my partner to whom I'm not married. We've been together a while, and I've given many compromises in this relationship. While discussing baby's name, we had a few disagreements on names but ultimately decided on a name we both liked well enough.

The surname was a sticking point: he wanted the baby to have his name alone. I offered to hyphenate b/c logistically it's easier for the baby to have both of our names.

He's been drinking the red pill cool aid lately - a large bone of contention in this relationship - and went off about how it's 'tradition' and 'the right thing to to' and 'his right as a man' to have the baby have his surname.

He told me I'd be emasculating him and may as well be a single parent if I won't grant him this one little ask. 'My word is final - baby's having one surname'. This was late in my pregnancy and I didn't have it in to fight, so I told him that I understood what he was saying.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when baby's birth certificate came. He blew a gasket when he saw that I'd given the baby my surname. He rehashed the conversation above, saying I agreed to giving baby his surname.

This is where I might be TA. I did nothing of the sort. I told him I understood him, which I did - but I never said I agreed with him. I told him there was no way I was doing all the work of making a baby for him to stick his name on it.

When we bought up tradition, I told him it's also traditional for him to marry me before having a baby but he was happy to ignore that. I told him it was traditional for him to be the provider but I do that too - and I pointed out other holes in his logic.

I told him trying to bully me into submission with his red pill bs when I was exhausted from pregnancy didn't work. He should have known better than to expect me to not share a surname with my child.

He said the baby should only have one surname - they do. So why's he mad? He went crying to his brothers and mother - all 'traditionalists' and misogynists - and now they're all up in arms. AITA?

ETA. There seems to be some confusion - we are not married or engaged. I don't believe in it, and he's never seen the point of 'bring the state into your relationship', so we agreed to never marry.

He's on the birth certificate as the father - baby just has my last name but father is listed. . I'll be asking him to come for a talk so I can plainly address the issues you guys have helped me see. Thank you for that.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:

cordelia1955

NTA. You told the truth and nothing more. If I read your post correctly, you agreed the baby would have one surname. You didn't agree to which one. So, why are you still with this guy? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't provide for you and the baby?

Please don't say because you need him or love him. Needing him is like a fish needing a bicycle. If his family is of the same mindset, things will NOT get better so don't try to talk yourself into believing that they will.

Go find someone who deserves you and your child or go it on your own if you can and want. Lots of women do. While it's true that children statistically do better socially, scholastically and generally otherwise with two parent families, your child does not need to learn misogyny, disrespect and selfishness which could easily degenerate over time to emotional or verbal abuse.

You obviously don't agree with him on very basic, fundamental issues that are the foundation of a family. He can stay involved with the baby if he wants to--I'm betting he won't if you don't give in to his wishes-- but you would be wise to break off your relationship before it damages you and your child.

Careless-Hornet-4343 OP responded:

I am reconsidering the relationship. The truth is he wasn't always like this. He fell on hard times and unfortunately chose to cope with that in an unhealthy way. At his core, I believe he is of good but I need to have a frank conversation about the ideologies he's leaning into and the harm it's causing in our relationship.

ahhh_ennui

These folks who get pilled, and otherwise invested in these ideologies, are a long-term nightmare. They will sacrifice their real-life relationships for online gurus. Be careful. NTA.

freefaall

Was he not there when you were filling out the forms? Cause that's pretty telling too ? NTA. What to name the baby is definitely a valid conversation to have, but he wasn't having a conversation with you. He was trying to bulldoze you without compromise.

Careless-Hornet-4343 OP responded:

I registered the baby on my own. He was there for the birth and everything but his paternity leave was pretty short so the admin of registering fell on me.

annang

All of the actual un-fun work of raising the kid is going to fall on you, too. You should leave this misogynistic asshole and just get on with raising your kid. The kid should have at least half the time in a household not soaked in gross manosphere ideology.

One month later, the OP returned with an update:

Careless-Hornet-4343

So it turns out he’s got deep-seated resentment for me lol. He resents me for earning more money than him, being further in my career than he is, not losing my job during covid like he did, having parents who love and support me.

He resents me for not being a submissive woman (lol), having a present and loving father, not combining our finances thus making him feel small. So when I last came here, I said I’d asked him to come home and discuss our future with baby, preferably in the presence of a neutral party.

He left me on read for a few days though I could see he was spying on us through the ring door bell and baby’s monitor. I disconnected them both and he finally responded.

He came home very irate and rejected my offer to have a neutral facilitator for the conversation. I asked how we're supposed to move forward and the rant above came out in a full mask off moment. Any hope I had that you guys were wrong about him died that day.

He again rejected the offer to hyphenate baby’s surname. Apparently I’m ‘disrespectful’ and ‘insolent’ for refusing to ‘do what’s right’ and give baby their ‘rightful’ surname.

I told him I won’t go through the administrative nightmare of having a different surname to my child, and lots of data shows a double barreled surname is social currency that has positive connotations. nope - he wouldn’t budge. I told him neither would I - baby either has both our surnames or mine alone.

He asked if this was a hill I wanted this relationship to die on, if I was prepared to throw half a decade down the drain over my ‘silly little feminism’. I told him i wasn’t sure there was anything left to fight for. we broke up. Thankfully, our - in his name - lease expires end of May. I called my dad and he came to help me back up baby.

I messaged him to suggest we still need couple’s counseling: we need to learn to be co-parents and they can help us establish a healthy way of doing that. He again said no to that. So, my mum wanted to take me and the baby on a baby moon holiday after this stressful period.

It’s going to be a long road ahead. I’ve instructed a lawyer to help us set up a formal agreement to avoid this in the future. He’s not responding to correspondence from the lawyer so that’s fun.

He’s sulking. He used to do this a lot when things didn’t go his way. I hope he’ll soon realize I no longer have time for his bs and I won’t be toyed with because I called his bluff and ended the relationship.

To end on a bright note, the house I wanted us to buy a couple of years ago - which he talked me out of until he was back on his feet again despite us being able to afford it on my salary alone - is back on the market!

I took it as fate. It’s time to move on from this man! It’s a beautiful Victorian terrace near good schools, good transport links, a small garden and close to my parents. It’d be the perfect home for baby and me. I put an offer in - wish me luck!

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:

BossWooper

Good luck on everything and congratulations of taking a step into a new life - and setting a boundary and holding it firm. It's hard as hell to do - This internet stranger is proud of you!

Meghanshadow

Good luck on the house! I hope the lawyers can get him to act more like an adult for coparenting. Just remember to keep that maintenance fund large for house repairs and upkeep for a Victorian.

hubertburnette

The worst thing about the red pill bs is that those bozos want all the power and privileges of a "traditional" family (which wasn't actually the norm for most of human history, despite what red pillers say) without the responsibilities.

Careless-Ability-748

Sounds like you dodged a bullet being financially tied to him with a house! Good luck with your baby.

Odd-Combination2227

Let the lawyer handle his sulking. That’s the beauty of hiring someone else to handle such responsibilities. Congrats on the house hitting the market!

3 months later OP came back with another update:

Hi, This is really more of a method to help me process per my therapist's guidance rather than anything else. He's dead. He died a week after my last update. His funeral was last month and it's been hell.

He heard from a mutual friend that I'd put an offer in on the house and came to my parents' where Baby and I were staying in a drunken rage. It was late, after 10, and he was causing a ruckus and disturbing the neighbours.

He wouldn't leave and kept hurling nasty things at me - how I was keeping the his Baby from him despite him making zero effort to see them after we separated, how I robbed him of his legacy, how I couldn't wait to be rid of him and how much he hated me. He we went from begging to pleading, to cursing me our and trying to kick down my parents' door to crying.

I opened a window and told him to leave or we'd call the police. He refused, so we called them. He ran away. I'm still not sure on the details because his family won't tell me, but I gather he was trying to cross a busy road with the awareness of a drunk, angry man and got hit by a car. He died on before the ambulance arrived.

I found out when his mother called screaming down the phone, crying about how I'd killed him. She blames me, even at his funeral she made sure to tell people how I was to blame for her baby boy's untimely death. I know it's not my fault. Rationally and logically I did not tell him to make the series of bad decisions that led to his death, but I still feel guilty.

His mother tried to claim his life insurance that I paid for. She said he'd told her he'd change it for her to be the beneficiary. I don't know how far true it is, but I refused and told her the purpose was to help set Baby up for life if one or both of us met an untimely death, so that's what it will do. She's threatened to sue me but I don't know where that will lead.

I am exhausted. I'm tired and I'm grieving and I'm being told I have no right to mourn him.

We got the house, but it won't be ready until later this year. His mother tried to claim a share of that, too, even though her son made no contributions to it. They've made no efforts to see Baby and refused to let me visit the funeral parlour with them to say goodbye to their dad. I'm drained. I was supposed to go back to work soon, but thankfully my employer is understanding.

We've booked a trip out of the country while we wait for the house's completion. I've become the target of a harassment campaign from ex's family who are calling me all sorts.

I don't know why I'm sharing this here. Perhaps because I've deleted all my own social media accounts, it's nice to be able to post somewhere where no one knows me. Where no one will accost me in the streets or at work or at home to call me a murderer.