'AITA for demanding to go through my BIL and his GF's bags if they are staying with us?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for demanding to go through my BIL and his GF's bags if they are staying with us?"

I have a pretty severe dairy allergy; I break out in hives, struggle to breathe, and have to carry two epipens with me everywhere. If I get any dairy in my system, I'll end up in the ER. My in-laws know this and have been extremely accommodating since my fiancé and I started dating five years ago.

When we moved in together two years ago, we set strict rules for our home because of my allergy. The big one is that no one is allowed to bring anything that contains dairy into our house ever, no matter what. On to the current story. My BIL started dating his girlfriend a year and a half ago.

They came to visit us together for the first time a year ago, my fiancé made sure my BIL explained my allergy to his girlfriend, and our no-dairy rule. Two days into their stay, she bought dairy products and cooked lunch for herself when we weren't home. I ended up in the ER because of cross-contamination. She apologized and explained she hadn't understood how serious my allergy was.

We managed to put the situation behind us since both my fiancé and I currently have and want to keep a good relationship with my BIL. The two of them came for a second visit 9 months ago. We had a video call with BIL and his girlfriend before the trip to make sure she understood the severity of my allergy and how serious we are about the no-dairy rule.

During their second trip, I was taking out the trash and found candybar wrappers and an empty milkshake container in the guest room trash (the room she was staying in). Even after she saw how serious my allergy is, and how I ended up in the ER, she still brought dairy into our house. I confronted her when they got back.

She and BIL had a huge fight. BIL went through her stuff and threw out everything she had with dairy, we kicked out his girlfriend. (BIL stayed for the rest of the planned trip) BIL and his girlfriend worked out the relationship after the trip and are still together. Since their second trip, BIL has come alone since I don't trust his girlfriend in our house.

Well, BIL is planning a new trip to visit us, and his girlfriend wants to come too. At first, we just said no, we don't trust her. But since we know this is important to BIL, we came up with what we believe is a good compromise. She can come and stay at our place, but we will look through her bags, everytime she comes back to our place.

And if she doesn't accept that she can stay at a hotel or stay home

Now I am being called an ah for treating her like a criminal and that checking her bag is an invasion of privacy. So AITA for demanding to go through her bag if she is staying at my house?

The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.

Window_4_Me wrote:

Is she the one calling you AH? Or is BIL? Explain to anyone who wants to visit you in your home that there are two choices: 1) Stay overnight at your house but follow food rules or 2) Visit you while staying in hotel nearby and meeting in public places.

OP responded:

She is the one called us AH. We are okay with BIL staying since he respects our rule. Their finances isn’t great so they can’t afford a hotel.

Tattletale1313 wrote:

Not sure where you live or what kind of medical insurance you have, but I’d like to know if this heinous reckless idiot paid for your medical expenses and lost wages?

Did you ever consider pressing charges for attempted m#$der the second time?

OP responded:

We have universal healthcare so it didn’t cost us, I also got paid sick leave from work while recovering.

Ziggy_Mo wrote:

Is she the one saying you’re treating her like a criminal? Because that would be enough for me to permanently rescind her invitation. This is life or d--th for you.

OP responded:

Yes, she is the one with a problem with the compromise.

MadamMim88 wrote:

NTA. Technically she is a criminal since you could have pressed charges on her both times. The only reason she doesn’t have a record is because of your discretion. Who’s calling you an AH for this though? And how can you be? She could have k--ed someone!

OP responded:

The GF, BIL thinks she should be thankful we are willing to give her another chance.

jimmap wrote:

Please excuse my ignorance. I understand that consuming dairy can trigger allergies but in your case just touching dairy will trigger bad allergy attacks?

OP responded:

I can break out in hives from touching it (dosent happen every time). The first time she cooked in our kitchen with our pans, but only rinsed it so it looked clean, but didn’t clean it properly so when we cooked dinner I at a reaction. The second time I didn’t get sick but mad she brought it into my home after having sent me to the ER.

GrayBlue_grrl wrote:

She wants to call you names because she betrayed your trust TWICE? She's not allowed in your house because of THAT. AND the attempted murder. Why is he with her? What is wrong with him? NTA.

Impressive_moment876 wrote:

YTA-to yourself. If you can't trust someone to the point where you feel the need to go through their bags, then they shouldn't be in your home. Don't put yourself at risk again for someone else's comfort.

Let them stay in a hotel and she can eat as much dairy as she wants.

Squirrelbowl wrote:

Dude why are you letting her back in? You trying to die? Of course you’re NTA! FFS.

Itsthethrowaway2 wrote:

Whattttt, you’re definitely NTA. Not even a little bit in my opinion. It would be different if this wasn’t a recurrent issue or if your allergy wasn’t serious. To be honest I would tell them to get a hotel.

You shouldn’t be in a situation where you have to perform bag checks inside of your own home. You forgiving her the first time was kind; and she had the audacity to do it again. I wouldn’t risk my safety for it at all if I’m being honest.

The next day, OP shared an update.

I didn't plan on writing an update, especially not so soon, but a lot has happened in just one day. But first, I want to clear up some misconceptions around their second visit to our home. I did not get sick from BIL's GF having candy bars and a milkshake cup in the trash, or some candy bars in her bag; that wasn't the problem.

The issue was that while knowing our no-dairy house rule, had not only seen but also been responsible for me going into anaphylaxis shook and had gotten a in-depth explanation of my allergy and why it is important to us to keep our home dairy free, she STILL brought my known allergen into my house, my safespace. That is why we fought with her and kicked her out of our house.

Onto the update: After the first 500 or so comments telling me I am an idiot for even considering letting this woman, who is a danger to my health, back into my house, I realized I was listening way too much to the part of me who just wanted to keep the peace and was downplaying the seriousness of the past incidents in my mind.

I kept thinking the first time she might not have known how serious my allergy was, and it was an accident, and since I didn't get sick the second time she brought dairy into my home, I was exaggerating how bad it was. I know it sounds insane, but after dealing with people who don't take allergies seriously for years, I've gotten used to apologizing and even downplaying my allergy to others.

I sat down with my fiancé and discussed the whole situation. He explained how he also doesn't want BIL's GF back in our home, but since I was willing to give her another chance, and it was my health affected by her previous actions, he felt I should make the final decision.

He ended up texting BIL to tell him our original no-answer stand, that he is welcome to stay with us, but she is not allowed in our house. Especially since she hasn't even apologized for breaking our rule again, after she sent me to the ER the first time they visited, and I'm his family, and my health and well-being are more important to him than BIL visiting.

I wasn't here for this part, but this is what my fiancé told me happened. After he sent that message, BIL called him and they talked. Turns out BIL's GF had told him that she reached out after their second trip, that we talked, and I forgave her, but wasn't ready to have her back in my house yet. She has asked him to come with every time he has visited us.

BIL always told her no, and that she would only be allowed to come with when I told him I was ready to have her back in my house. He only asked if she could come since it had been 9 months, and as far as he knew, I had forgiven her. According to my fiancé, BIL was extremely apologetic. I haven't had time to talk directly with him yet, but we have planned a video chat to get everything worked out tomorrow.

The reason my BIL didn't ask me directly about the situation and believed his GF is because he is aware how traumatic an allergic reaction is to me, and that I hate to talk about it after since I can not stand re live the situation. If anyone is interested I can post a second update after I talk to my BIL tomorrow, and hopefully have a final conclusion to this whole thing.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

dalealace wrote:

So wait did she actually talk to you and you forgave her or did she lie about it?

OP responded:

She lied, I hadn’t talked to her since throwing her out before she texted me calling me an AH for the search if she was to stay in my house, which she absolutely won’t be doing now

[deleted] wrote:

I understand why your BIL wants to visit you two so often; I'm sure he enjoys your company. But I wonder why his monstrous girlfriend wants to come? Do you live somewhere really cool or does she just want to visit so she can torment you? Or maybe your husband us really rich or successful or good-looking so she's trying to remove you so she can be with him?

Of course, it could just be because she's psycho and we normal, decent people just can't think like she does so we'll never be able to figure her out. Regardless I can't understand why BIL is still with this psycho and if I were you I'd be pretty disappointed in him, to put it mildly.

Edit to add: this woman is VERY lucky you're not my little sister. I am a very protective firstborn child and even though I'm over 60 I would find a way to take her out---verbally and legally at least.

I'm not a lawyer but I am a paralegal and I wouldn't hesitate to help you press charges. Think of it this way: she has a very good chance at k#$ling the next person she does this to (because you KNOW she'll try this again), so if you stop her now, maybe you'll save someone's life.

OP responded:

We live in a beach town and a lot of people go here on vacation, and we have a great house right by the beach. I don’t know if that is the reason she want to come, but it is the reason a lot of our friends come to us instead of us visiting them

Remarkable-Pace8594 wrote:

I swear why do people always lie about stuff like this. Do they really think it’s not going to come out?!?

reesie_b wrote:

Honestly, I was side eyeing BIL for still being with her, much less even asking if she could stay again, so this explains that. He thought she’d reached out and apologized. So now we can add her being a liar to the list of reason why he’d be an AH for continuing to be in a relationship with her.

The next day, OP shared another update.

So I have talked to my BIL. We had a long and emotional conversation. I won't post it all here, since some of the stuff we discussed is personal, but I still wanted to update you guys/ To start BIL kept apologizing and saying he should have checked with us, not just believed his GF, or now ex GF.

He went on to explain how the reason he wanted to talk with me today instead of yesterday after the call with my fiancé, was because he felt like he had already failed us for believing his GF.

(We do not agree with this at all, and do not blame him.) So he wanted to show he truly is remorseful of everything that has happened, not just say the words, but show it through actions. After the call with my fiancé, he confronted his ex. Ex first tried to convince him that I was lying and trying to ruin their relationship.

That didn't work, so she tried to manipulate him with tears. BIL explained it as now that he has fully seen all of her crazy behavior, he immediately saw how manipulative she is. A lot more happened, but I won't go into detail, since it isn't my story but my BIL's. The end result is that he broke up with her.

He also told us more that we didn't know, including how they actually broke up after the second time they visited us.

He didn't want to be with someone who clearly didn't care about the people in his life by putting someone in danger.

He explained they were broken up for about two months, and only got back together after she sent him a message saying she had reached out to me and we had worked things out because she felt awful, but didn't expect anything from him. Now it is clear that it was just manipulation to get back together with him.

More we didn't know is also that BIL hasn't been happy where he currently lives for the last year or so, and one of the reasons he often comes to visit us is because he has been considering moving to our area. So I have a feeling she has been doing all of the crazy stuff in hopes we would blame BIL, and if we were mad or low contact with him, he wouldn't move. More manipulation, I won't put it past her.

BIL also sent out a message to their extended family explaining the whole situation, in case she reaches out to the family, and this way, I won't have to relive the trauma surrounding an allergic reaction to explain what's been going on.

I also told BIL and my fiancé about what it is like for me to have a serious allergic reaction for the first time. What it feels like and the absolute horror I go through. That was definitely the hardest part of the conversation for me.

Neither my fiancé or I blame BIL. The way I see it, he is a good guy who sees the best in people and who has been manipulated by his ex. He is still more than welcome to stay with us, and with everything he told us about how he has been feeling lately, we are excited to have him stay with us, and hopefully be able to help him out with everything going on.

A lot more was said and talked about, but I think these are the important parts for the update. If I have forgotten anything, I will add an edit here. Also, thank you to everyone who commented and helped me with the situation. Hopefully, this is the last part, and we can go back to focusing on our wedding.

The internet was glad to hear another update.

chez2202 wrote:

You said that your BIL still feels as if he did something wrong but you don’t think he did. Why don’t you invite him for an extended visit so that he can look for a job in your area as he plans to? That way he will know for sure that you trust him, and he will also be far away from psycho girl?

OP responded:

He is invited to stay with us for a while, he is currently looking for flights sometime in the next two weeks

Soul-Arts wrote:

Yikes. Ex is a awful human being.

I am happy that BIL was able to see beyond her act and move on.

MaggieManush1 wrote:

This sounds like it turned out great for everyone except for the ex which is fine.

I'm really happy for all you that you're safe and that he isn't with someone who is so manipulative and toxic.