'My husband hid $1.5 million from me and secretly left it all to his son. AITA?'
"My husband hid $1.5 million from me and secretly left it all to his son. AITA?"
I (60/F) have been married to my husband Bob (60/M) for 31 years. Over the past 2 years Bob has been diagnosed with many serious & potentially fatal health issues leaving him totally reliant on me to run the household & care for him on a daily basis.
So here is the problem…We have always had joint bank accounts, even before we were married. That is until 4 years ago when Bob inherited $1.5 million dollars. Bob has always refused to add my name to any of the accounts his inheritance is in.
His reason being he doesn’t want me to be able to take any of his money if we ever get divorced (inheritance is considered separate, non-marital property & is not slip between spouses in the event of a divorce.)
He has however, always assured me that I am listed as the beneficiary on all of his accounts. Although I am hurt he feels he cannot trust me, I have accepted his decision as it is his inheritance.
Well today I found out he has been lying to me for the last 4 years. I found out Bob has my stepson Bill (40/M) listed as the beneficiary, excluding myself & my son Steve (35/M) who Bob adopted 32 years ago.
I am disappoint, hurt & angry about his lies. If he lies about this what else is he lying to me about? Not to mention if he passes before I do (which is very likely considering his health issues) I will drain our joint bank account paying for his funeral & final expenses leaving me with nothing. So AITA for demanding to now be added to his accounts or I will divorce him?
A few hours later, OP returned with an update.
Update: My son Steve was adopted by Bob at the age of 3. He believed he was Bob’s biological son until the age of 12 when his stepbrother Bill cruelly taunted him with the fact that he was adopted at which point Bob & I were forced to clean up a very emotional mess made by Bill.
Steve lived with Bob & I from age 3-18 when he started college. To this day Bob & Steve have a very close relationship which makes the fact the Bob excluded Steve from his inheritance a tragedy.
Also the inheritance is not family money. Bob befriended a coworker & convinced that coworker to remove his family from inheriting anything, all being left to Bill.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
See a family law attorney quietly and as soon as possible to understand your rights and protect yourself. You’re the one managing the household, the finances, and his health care, yet you’ve been excluded from the financial planning. That’s something you need clear legal guidance on - now, not later.
This, I’m sorry to say, is the next step. Make a plan to protect yourself and explore your options with the help of professional legal advice. Bob has already raised the subject of divorce, so it’s something both of you have considered. It’s a strong possibility with his ongoing years of deception.
Whatever you do, be prepared for divorce before you bring it up. I would also advise against framing divorce as the “or else” ultimatum and banking on it being Bob’s wake-up call. Bob’s been letting you know his priorities for four years, and probably longer. Finding out he lied is more your wake-up call than his.
Lastly, I suggest you have Bob hire a housekeeper and caretaker with his inheritance. The money is there to support him, and it does you no good to burn yourself out in those roles. Given what you’ve learned, you need to put your energy into securing your financial future without him.
And remind yourself that you’re not abandoning him by refusing to take on these roles anymore — Bob has the resources to hire people who can help him and, quite honestly, can probably do so better than you. They are professionals without the emotional ties you have with him, which is better for both of you right now.
So maybe he considers you more of a caretaker than a partner he would share his inheritance with, and someone he can lie to. Especially that lying part would get me. That would be a deal breaker for me, I think.
Leave. Don’t take care of him. Let him use his money for that.
Honestly he loves his son more than you. Leave him, his son can be his caregiver. See how well that works for him. I guarantee the son won't be half the caregiver you are. Don't give him an ultimatum, just leave, you're not getting the money either way.
"Bob has been diagnosed with many serious & potentially fatal health issues leaving him totally reliant on me to run the household & care for him on a daily basis."
Now that you know what he has done, stop taking care of him immediately and let him know he can use his inheritance to hire someone to take care of him.
60 is young; he can still live a good life for many more years if he takes care of himself. A housekeeper, cook and caretaker will use up all of that inheritance. And let him know that his son will be responsible to pay for any funeral arrangements and expenses.
Find out what else he is hiding from you and make sure your name is on all accounts or that you are the beneficiary. Demand to see the paperwork and make certain you can login to these accounts.
I do understand him wanting to leave his inheritance to his son. That is his money that was left to him from a family member. However, after 31 years of marriage, you should also be a beneficiary. He can leave you 25% or 50% and his son the rest. You don't say whether or not you are still working outside the home, or if he is receiving a pension. Open up your own bank account and put your money in there.
Technically it’s his money, so their is that. The 2 of you need to sit down with an estate lawyer who will straighten him out (and get the truth out of him). The lawyer will also make sure his will is up to date. In the meantime.
Buy him a prepaid cremation. Much cheaper than a full blown funeral. You can hold a potluck memorial service afterwards. Don’t ask him about meeting with an estate attorney. Just schedule it and tell him he’s going. Time to put your foot down!