'I denied my in-laws only request for the wedding and it’s ruining our relationship with them.' UPDATED 3X

"I denied my in-laws only request for the wedding and now it’s ruining our relationship with them."

I need some advice on this situation from an unbiased source. Me (23 female) and my fiancé (27 Male) are getting married in December. We got engaged in April and I pretty much did all the planning myself (with the help of my mom) in the first few weeks.

From the very beginning my fiancé and I had a plan laid out for the bridal party. That was one of the first things decided since before I had the ring on my finger. Including flower girls and ring bearers.

We decided that the flower girl would be my sister (who’s also my Matron of Honor)’s baby who will be pushed in a stroller down the aisle by my 10F cousin who would be considered a junior bridesmaid.

For the ring bearers, my fiancé really wanted to include his best friend’s son. For context his friend has not had custody of his child for most of his life (long story) and it could be a little difficult to arrange his attendance.

(He will be around a year and a half at the time of the wedding). As a result, we decided that we would also have my two cousins (5 male and 7 male -the brothers of the junior bridesmaid) be ring bearers as well. This way it’s no pressure on the friend and everything will go smoothly weather his child can come or not. The older boys will help the younger boy walk down the aisle holding his hands.

We decided on these specific children because they are closely related / close to us and are the right age. Shortly after the engagement, I asked my sister and my cousin (the moms of the children) if their kids could be in the wedding and gave details of what they should wear etc. The kids and parents both were so excited.

This was great and everything was going according to plan until a few weeks ago when my mother in law asked us if we would consider adding another flower girl. For context, my fiancé’s brother/ best man (24 male) lives across the country from us and has recently told us (around 4 months ago) that he has a new girlfriend (21 Female).

This girlfriend has a child from a previous relationship (female 10 months). They have now known each other about 7 or 8 months. He is very serious about her and we are very happy for them. He has taken a sort of father role in her daughter’s life which is adorable.

He is expressing interest in marrying her in the future but they are taking it slow. My fiancé and I have never met this girlfriend or her child, But we are thrilled for his brother so we of course invited them both to the wedding. Now this is where things get a little messy. I have always gotten along great with my fiancés family.

They have always been so sweet, kind, accepting, and well meaning. They welcome new comers with open arms (including me) and have really become my family. I especially had a great relationship with my mother in law. She is the sweetest lady and would do anything for me and any one of her children. She lives very close to us and my family lives far.

She was always the first to say that it’s OUR wedding (meaning mine and my fiancé) to encourage me to make my own decisions in wedding planning and not let my mother sway them. She has become like a mother to me in so many ways. With that being said they are also very loving and accepting of my fiancés brother’s girlfriend (and her baby) from a far. Which is great. I’m so glad that they are so supportive.

They even started calling her baby their first grandchild and flew across the country to meet them. With this context in mind, a couple weeks ago when my Mother In Law and I were hanging out (just the two of us), she asked me if I would consider adding the girlfriend’s baby as a flower girl. She said fiancé’s brother keeps bringing it up and that it would be really cute.

I politely told her that we already had a flower girl (my niece) and a junior bridesmaid assigned to push her in a carriage. She responded by saying essentially “what’s one more? She will probably be able to walk by herself down the aisle by then (14-15 months)” I kind of just said I would think about it with my fiancé and changed the subject.

Later on I told my fiancé about it and we both agreed that it wasn’t a good idea because 1. We already had the role filled and it would be sort of awkward to have a baby randomly walking next to the stroller with the other baby.

2. If she needed help walking it wouldn’t be easy for the 10-year-old to juggle two kids down an isle. 3. We have never met her and she might not be comfortable walking down the aisle of a wedding where she knows nobody.

And four. They aren’t married and worst case scenario if they break up she’s in all the pictures. I know that sounds harsh but I come from a family where traditionally if you’re not engaged you don’t get a plus one no matter who you are. I am not following this rule and everyone’s significant other is invited (but that doesn’t mean they get to be in the wedding).

My fiancé and I were on the same page about this. We agreed to keep the bridal party the way it was. He talked to his brother and essentially told him it was a no and everything was fine and everyone was on the same page until the other night. We were at Mother In Law’s house again but this time my fiancé was there too.

Once again MIL brings up the flower girl thing and my fiancé tells her that we already have the position filled and that’s that. But then my MIL tells my fiancé how much it must mean to his brother since he keeps bringing it up. This brings out the empath in my fiancé and he starts to have an open mind about it….meanwhile I’m still against it.

And I start to say so with some of the reasons I listed above. My MIL points out that all of the children in the wedding are from my side except one and that their side doesn’t have any representation. (Meanwhile this is because there are no children on his side) She also points out that there are three little boys in the wedding and why can’t there be three little girls.

At this point, she’s convinced my fiancé and I’m an island. I’m still defending my position alone. She wasn’t being rude or anything but every reason I have she seem to have a rebuttal. She’s saying things like “they will get married one day anyways” and “she’s already part of the family” Then I start saying “we will think about it”. And she is like “sooo that sounds like a no” and I was like “we will consider it."

She then It was awkward and I was about to like cry so I changed the subject. The whole time I felt like I looked like a major asshole. It was really bad. My fiancé since apologized to me for being open to the idea in front of his mother when we had decided against it. From what he believed about his mother he figured that she would just have an open conversation with us and not try to push her way.

I figured it would not go that way. Later that night he called his brother and told him it was for sure no and we had already asked other people. His brother was sad but understood. I felt really bad and guilty for making my fiancé feel bad. (In hindsight, I really should not have because of what followed afterwards) this is where my previous post left off.

A lot has happened in the last few days. I was worried immediately after that conversation that his mother would tell his brother that my fiancé was for it and I was against it while we were at her place. My fiancé said that he knows his mother well and that she wouldn’t do that.

That next morning his brother calls him wanting to talk. The first words out of his mouth are “after our conversation last night I talked to mom and she said that you were wanting to have her as the flower girl and your fiancé (ME) wasn’t” just as I thought would happen….and he goes on to say “as your brother I want to make sure that you get what you want since it’s your wedding” I was pissed.

My fiancé told him that we would still talk about it but that we had already agreed not to have her as the flower girl -and that he should not have seemed so open to it last night. That whole day we discussed it. I felt like an asshole and was tempted to cave to keep the peace, but the ONLY reason my fiancé was wanting it was because it meant a lot to his brother.

But the conclusion we came to was that it’s NOT HIS BROTHERS WEDDING. So we called him up a few hours later and told him no for the THIRD TIME. He was upset but at least it was over…or so we thought. He texted him the next morning AGAIN expressing how hurt he was by it but at that point we were like “the decision is made.

It’s our wedding please get over it” and then My fiancé’s brother enlisted their mother…she calls my fiancé and basically attacks him for almost an hour on the phone. My fiancé did a great job of sticking up for us and sticking to his guns. His mom went as far as to say that my relationships with his whole family will forever be affected by this decision.

That one hurt. And that my fiancé’s relationship with his brother will forever be altered. At this point this is all going way too far. We ended up talking to my fiancé’s sister and found out that his brother no longer wants to be best man anymore and that neither of them want to speak to us for a while.

They said that this won’t be resolved UNTIL WE GIVE IN. I’m at a loss for words. This doesn’t even feel like a real situation to be honest. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. We are definitely not going to give in. At this point all that it would tell them is that if they push hard enough they can manipulate us. It just really hurts because we had such a great relationship before this.

(TL;DR) My fiancé’s brother (and mother) are trying to manipulate and force us to have brother in law’s girlfriend’s daughter as a flower girl. Brother in law is not the biological father of this child and we have never met this child or her mother. They have also only been together for 8 months. We have said no repeatedly and they are personally offended and now won’t talk to us.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

FartyNapkins54 wrote:

Your MIL and BIL are being crazy but your fiance really messed this one up by waffling about it in front of his mother and making you look like bridezilla. None of this would have been an issue if he didn't do that.

linerva wrote:

This. Most of this is fiancé's fault unfortunately. The family are being extremely pushy and inappropriate, but he allowrled them to do that by giving them room.

He should have said "OK mom we'll have a think". Instead he left OP out to dry and now everybody thinks it's "her fault." He should NOT have given an inch without discussing it with OP privately. Now he needs to sit his brother and mother down and tell them that THEY as the wedding couple TOGETHER do not want any more flower girls.

And that this is NOT up for debate. If you can think of another role for this girl I might consider it, but I am not sure if would capitulate at this point. Honestly I'd be tempted to just scrap children in the wedding party altogether if it was me. If grownups can't be trusted to keep their opinions to themselves then maybe that's the easiest option.

Good-Principle420 wrote:

I literally have no idea who ended up being ring bearers and flower girls in my wedding and which ones walked down the aisle and which ones didn’t lol.

HerCacklingStump wrote:

I've been married 7 years and I just found out last week that one of my flower girls (age 15 months at the time) had a huge meltdown halfway down and the best man (her uncle) had to come pick her up and walk her down. And everyone chuckled because it was adorable. It didn't matter.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

Update: Wow! As a new poster I’m absolutely shocked by how many views and comments this post got. WAS NOT expecting for people to actually reply. Thank you for those of you that gave great advice and were trying to help the situation.

Your insight really opened our eyes (mine and my fiancé). A lot of you hit the nail on the head, Brother in law IS the golden child and has always been favored greatly over my fiancé by their mother. BIL is the youngest and his mother has been coddling him his whole life. My fiancé is the oldest and tends to be the peace maker / sacrificed.

A lot of you also called out the triangulation manipulation. I told my fiancé this and he said that his younger brother often would rope his mom into their arguments, get her to take his side, and get my fiancé in trouble no matter how ridiculous or wrong brother was being. He mastered the art of triangulation manipulation from a young age. My fiancé would just take it and apologize to keep the peace.

For those of you who said it’s ridiculous to have a child we have never met and are not related to (and have not even met her mother) as such an important part of our wedding party: THANK YOU. I was feeling like the crazy one for thinking this. Also info: I was being gracious when I said they have been together 8 months.

They have known each other 8 months and only been dating officially for 4 months. The wedding is further away than the length of their whole relationship. It’s bizarre that they are pushing so hard for this. For those who said we should have granted their request and just kept the peace, my fiancé has been doing this his ENTIRE life with this family.

That is probably why they resorted to their usual manipulation tactics. He never actually wanted to have this baby in our wedding. He in fact thought it was pretty ridiculous of them to ask. He was just ready to cave because he always does to keep the family peace. At the expense of himself and his needs / wants every time.

Except the difference is, this time the wedding is about him. ITS HIS DAY and not his brother. Well both of us. And that’s the other thing. He has me this time to stand up for him and what he actually wanted (I also wanted it too which helps lol). On to the update…a lot has happened. Today my fiancé went to see his dad, and then his mom (they are separated).

His dad is neutral but has been sticking up for me in this whole thing. I have a great relationship with him. He filled us in on a lot. Here is essentially what has been happening: Turns out BIL’s girlfriend has more to do with this than we thought (as some of you suggested in the comments) she is the one who has been encouraging him to push for this “because it means a lot to him."

And been super offended and making a big deal about us saying no (personally if it was me I would never ask someone if my kid could be in their wedding. Even if it’s family. But FORCING it on STRANGERS is wild.)

My fiancé found out from talking to his dad that my mother in law and brother in law are spreading a whole bunch of lies. Here is what has all unfolded. Mother-in-law is telling people I’m RACIST and that’s why I didn’t want the baby in it.

(Apparently the baby and mother are Filipino which I honestly didn’t even know because once again IVE NEVER MET THEM THEY LIVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY I don’t even know their last name) but still I don’t care what race they are in the slightest. The girlfriend now believes this and doesn’t even want to come to the wedding anymore.

That’s her choice. Also the wedding party is diverse ethnicities soooo how is it that I’m r@cist? lol. Brother in law is telling people that we are judging the girlfriend and don’t want her child in the wedding because she was born out of wedlock (which is ridiculous. Two of the children who are already in the wedding were born out of wedlock. One from each side).

They have been talking behind our backs, gossiping, making up lies about me, and assuming things about me that are not true. Brother-in-law is twisting and changing my fiances words into complete lies that make him seem like the victim.

He is feeding these lies of things my fiancé did NOT say to not only his mother, but his sister and his dad my SIL and FIL are both neutral and won’t take sides but think that this whole thing is insane and want it to end (we do too). they both see that THEY are doing this whole thing and hate me for no reason. So today my fiancé went to see his mother to essentially call her out for her behavior.

She was absolutely hysterical and was not ready to listen to reason or logic. She deflected and denied. And lied about things we knew were in fact true. She refused to take accountability or any sort of blame for the situation getting out of hand. She just deferred back to blaming me for everything and making me the villain and herself and her precious baby son (BIL) the victim.

Meanwhile the last time I spoke to either of them was when we had that conversation with mother in law at her house where my fiancé slipped and this whole thing started. My fiancé has been handling this whole thing and even trying to shield me from the blame and take it all for himself.

It’s not working. Mother in law and brother in law have made this whole thing up in their heads and driven themselves and everyone else crazy over it. Meanwhile all I’ve done is express my concerns for having a child in the wedding that we don’t know (in that initial conversation) when they aren’t engaged or married.

And the fact that we already filled the roles. She denies favoring brother in law and claims that she is “hurt by the accusation” and then in the same breath favors him and defends him. I feel the worst for my fiancé because he doesn’t even want anything to do with them anymore and does not feel the need to keep up with these relationships.

He said that his mother expected him to fall on his face today and apologize for everything because that is what he was forced to do growing up and that’s what they are used to. But now that I’m an extension of him, he is not letting me / us get treated this way.

He is angry that they are selfishly trying to use our day to make some grand gesture to his brothers girlfriend he’s been dating for 4 months and that they refuse to respect our wishes. He is shocked and disappointed that they are lying about us and creating drama around our wedding. He is saying goodbye to this toxic cycle and going to go no contact until they come to their senses and fix this mess.

For those of you who asked: we are in premarital counceling with our pastor who is also our officiant. He was bewildered that they even requested this in the first place and shocked and dismayed that they have turned it into such an ordeal. Anyways this wasn’t the update we hoped for but it’s the one we have. Hopefully one day things will turn around.

We are hoping Mother In Law at least comes to her senses considering we are the only family that lives near her. Maybe she will learn to support the son and daughter in law who will one day birth the grandkids she actually has a shot of seeing regularly - rather than blatantly favoring the son and girlfriend who live across the country. But for the time being this is it.

The comments kept coming in.

Thriftyverse wrote:

Maybe she will learn to support the son and daughter in law who will one day birth the grandkids she actually has a shot of seeing regularly. This woman has called you all sorts of terrible things, made up lie after lie about you. She treats your fiance like scum. You're having to password proof and security guard your wedding because of her. Why would you ever, for any reason, let her around your future children?

She'll treat them like she treats your fiance and let them know how 'horrible' you are. Their visits with grandma will be filled with stories about how horribly Uncle Perfect was treated, how r*cist you were for not letting Cousin Perfect be in the wedding (if, of course, he's still with his girlfriend), how sad she is and how you made her sad.

As soon as BIL has a kid, she'll be too busy with the child from her golden child to even pay attention to your children anymore. Why would you subject your children to that?

OP responded:

Oh god you might be right…never thought of this but she totally would. She did this with her own kids against her own husband

whydoweneedthiscrap wrote:

NTA and great job supporting your man in a way that’s helping him grow a shiny new steel spine!! He did amazing, let him know this internet stranger is so proud of him for shutting that down immediately and completely!

MelG146 wrote:

Tell FIL & SIL that by "not taking sides", they ARE in fact taking sides...just not yours.

OP responded:

Actually I would argue if anything they are taking our side but just not rocking the boat with MIL and BIL. they both said their piece defending us and when MIL and BIL rebutted with a ridiculous argument, they just change the subject and avoid the wedding topic all together. They are doing this to try to stop the family drama rather than fan the flames.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

MINI UPDATE: Hi guys, I have a small update! I decided to just be the bigger person and try to dissolve some of the tension myself. I was tired of my fiancé talking to his brother and his brother twisting it, so I tracked down BIL’s girlfriend on instagram and sent her a DM (like some of our comments suggested !thank you!) I cut out the middle men (literally LOL).

I sent her a very nice message telling her how excited we are to meet her and her daughter, explained from my point of view IN DETAIL everything that went into the original decision of the flower girl and cleared up all of the miscommunications (her boyfriends assumptions and twists of my fiancés words BUT I DIDN'T SAY THAT LOL). Surprisingly she was very kind and appreciative.

Her message back was very mature, gracious, and understanding. Me and her are 100% good and she and her baby are very excited to come to the wedding. Honestly, it could not have gone better. Now for what everyone is wondering about, we are still low contact with mother-in-law and brother-in-law. My fiancé is not ready to talk to either of them. Brother-in-law has not tried to reach out.

That night, after mother-in-law had that horrible conversation with my fiancé, she found out that sister-in-law was coming to my first dress fitting the next day and she wasn’t invited. She asked sister-in-law to call us and ask if she could come to it. We told her there would be others (I wouldn’t really be able to enjoy the day with all the tension).

The next day I had a great time with sister in law (and did not mention the topic / situation even once because I knew she was forced to hear about it from both her mom and my fiancé). Mother in law reached out to both me and my fiancé and asked to talk to both of us in person and proposed a few dates.

My fiancé told her that he was not ready to talk to her yet after how their conversation went the day before. The timing of it tells me that she definitely sees that if she doesn’t make this right, she will be left out of all the wedding stuff. Not only that, but all of the life stuff that we’re doing (for example we just put an offer in on a house).

I am holding out hope that our relationship with her will be mended one day soon. I am hoping that his brother also comes around now that we have explained everything to his girlfriend. My fiancé has expressed that they need to apologize before we can move forward. Not too much of an update but just wanted to keep you guys in the loop. Thanks for reading and following along with this madness.

The comments kept coming.

CartographerFancy203 wrote:

If your BIL's girlfriend is that understanding, that relationship will hardly last. Nobody can stand a jerk who's backed up by his mom 🤗.

whatthewhat3214 wrote:

Makes me wonder if it really wasn't the gf pushing for this after all, but BIL himself. He's shown that he'll lie and twist things as easily and readily as MIL, so maybe he threw his gf under the bus and blamed her when really he was throwing a golden child-sized tantrum bc his brother is finally getting some attention, you know bc it's his wedding day and for once it's not about BIL.

Significant_Bed_293 wrote:

I am guessing this is off your hands now. MIL has to fix the mess with her son, not you, no? anyways, good update! I hope it all resolves without any more drama!

OP responded:

He is insisting she apologizes to me before talking to her as well. Because she spread so many lies ab me. But yes waiting for him to deal w it when he wants to

RustysGypsy wrote:

I’m so glad your fiance has your back in this. You are both needing an apology from mil before the relationship can begin to mend. Good luck and keep us posted 🥰.

Four days later, OP shared another update.

UPDATE. Brother in Law’s Girlfriend broke up with him. I don’t know all the details, but BIL told my sister in law, who told my fiancé this morning. Apparently she said she couldn’t deal with the “toxicity and drama” of his family.

(Trust me girl I get that) but my fiancé is super upset because he thinks that she means US. AS IN ME AND HIM. I said after our messages the other day she probably means mother in law, but my fiancé is convinced that from her perspective, he and I are the toxic ones creating drama.

Idk that’s debatable I guess. Either way he feels super guilty and now just wants to fix everything with his family. I’m convinced that if anything my text to her showed her how crazy HE made this whole situation and it probably illuminated some of his issues.

I think he probably tries to manipulate her too. But it’s hard to say, I don’t know her or their relationship. At this point I’m speculating but I’m sure that there were other issues with them. Nobody breaks up with someone they truly are in love with just because of their family. There has to be something else.

Let me update you on mother in law. Mother in Law called my fiancé the other day (before the breakup and stuff which we all just found out about this morning) and told him “maybe it’s good this all happened, now you’re going to therapy to work on yourself and her (my) mother is being super supportive” we did not appreciate that.

Felt super condescending tbh. But anyways he called her this morning after all of this and she said she was trying to see us so that she could apologize to us. I will definitely hear her out and accept her apology. I will move on from this but always watch my back. Things can be cordial again tho. I’ll keep you guys updated as things progress.

The comments kept coming in.

Accurate_Muffin429 wrote:

Based on your posts, it would seem the GF ended the relationship over the BIL/MIL drama but I am sure MIL will twist it. Stand your ground. If your fiancé doesn’t stand with you that is a huge red flag.

mrmayhem05 wrote:

Yup. Ex-GF had been around FOR 4 MONTHS. She was most likely like "why the f is it so important that my daughter is apart of this wedding? I'm just a new girlfriend."

StrategicCarry wrote:

"Nobody breaks up with someone they are truly in love with just because of their family."

Oh my sweet, summer child.

FelineCompanionCube wrote:

Yeaaaaah, my wife once told me that if she had realized ahead of time just what kind of shitty pit of vipers my family was, she never would have married me.

She also gave me a solid ultimatum that if I ever forced her to go to dinner with my family after she decided she was done, she'd be done with me as well. And I don't blame her at all my family absolutely sucks. Best thing my mom did for me was die because it got me a week off work.

GentlewomenNeverTell wrote:

Why do you maintain contact?

FelineCompanionCube wrote:

I did a s**t job explaining myself there, didn't I? Ok, short version. After my wife married me, she realized how much my family sucked. I was oblivious, since I grew up in that toxic hellpit. She helped me realize that my family sucked, one painful step at a time.

Not too long after she stopped being willing to tolerate family meals with them (It wasn't a family meal until there was blood in the water...sometimes literally), I started to realize that I dreaded going over.

So, I calmly told my dad I was done, and distanced myself. Went full NC. Haven't been happier. Mom died while I was NC, so I took advantage of that to get my "bereavement". Which I actually did utilize to properly address the loss of a parent.

Mostly mourned who I wished my mother was, and that I never truly had a good discussion with her to bury the hatchet... in her throat. So yeah, I don't have any contact with anyone in my toxic family. Not anymore. And yeah, that's the extremely abbreviated version. The full length one is several very stupid novels long. Or one melodramatic telanovela.