Brother drops out as best man after demand of flower girl role for girlfriend's baby denied. AITA?
"AITA for denying my future in-laws only request for the wedding -therefore ruining our whole relationship?"
I need some advice on this situation from an unbiased source. Me (23 female) and my fiancé (27 Male) are getting married in December. We got engaged in April and I pretty much did all the planning myself (with the help of my mom) in the first few weeks.
From the very beginning my fiancé and I had a plan laid out for the bridal party. That was one of the first things decided since before I had the ring on my finger. Including flower girls and ring bearers.
We decided that the flower girl would be my sister (who’s also my Matron of Honor)’s baby who will be pushed in a stroller down the aisle by my 10F cousin who would be considered a junior bridesmaid. For the ring bearers my fiancé really wanted to include his best friend’s son.
For context his friend has not had custody of his child for most of his life (long story) and it could be a little difficult to arrange his attendance. (He will be around a year and a half at the time of the wedding).
As a result we decided that we would also have my two cousins (5 male and 7 male -the brothers of the junior bridesmaid) be ring bearers as well. This way it’s no pressure on the friend and everything will go smoothly weather his child can come or not. The older boys will help the younger boy walk down the aisle holding his hands.
We decided on these specific children because they are closely related / close to us and are the right age. Shortly after the engagement, I asked my sister and my cousin (the moms of the children) if their kids could be in the wedding and gave details of what they should wear etc.
The kids and parents both were so excited. This was great and everything was going according to plan until a few weeks ago when my mother in law asked us if we would consider adding another flower girl.
For context, my fiancé’s brother/ best man (24 male) lives across the country from us and has recently told us (around 4 months ago) that he has a new girlfriend (21 Female). This girlfriend has a child from a previous relationship (female 10 months).
They have now known each other about 7 or 8 months. He is very serious about her and we are very happy for them. He has taken a sort of father role in her daughter’s life which is adorable.
He is expressing interest in marrying her in the future but they are taking it slow. My fiancé and I have never met this girlfriend or her child, But we are thrilled for his brother so we of course invited them both to the wedding.
Now this is where things get a little messy. I have always gotten along great with my fiancés family. They have always been so sweet, kind, accepting, and well meaning. They welcome new comers with open arms (including me) and have really become my family.
I especially had a great relationship with my mother in law. She is the sweetest lady and would do anything for me and any one of her children. She lives very close to us and my family lives far.
She was always the first to say that it’s OUR wedding (meaning mine and my fiancé) to encourage me to make my own decisions in wedding planning and not let my mother sway them. She has become like a mother to me in so many ways.
With that being said they are also very loving and accepting of my fiancés brother’s girlfriend (and her baby) from a far. Which is great. I’m so glad that they are so supportive. They even started calling her baby their first grandchild and flew across the country to meet them.
With this context in mind, a couple weeks ago when my Mother In Law and I were hanging out (just the two of us), she asked me if I would consider adding the girlfriend’s baby as a flower girl. She said fiancé’s brother keeps bringing it up and that it would be really cute.
I politely told her that we already had a flower girl (my niece) and a junior bridesmaid assigned to push her in a carriage. She responded by saying essentially “what’s one more? She will probably be able to walk by herself down the aisle by then (14-15 months)” I kind of just said I would think about it with my fiancé and changed the subject.
Later on I told my fiancé about it and we both agreed that it wasn’t a good idea because 1. We already had the role filled and it would be sort of awkward to have a baby randomly walking next to the stroller with the other baby. 2. If she needed help walking it wouldn’t be easy for the 10 year old to juggle two kids down an isle.
3. We have never met her and she might not be comfortable walking down the aisle of a wedding where she knows nobody. And 4. They aren’t married and worst case scenario if they break up she’s in all the pictures.
I know that sounds harsh but I come from a family where traditionally if you’re not engaged you don’t get a plus one no matter who you are. I am not following this rule and everyone’s significant other is invited (but that doesn’t mean they get to be in the wedding).
My fiancé and I were on the same page about this. We agreed to keep the bridal party the way it was. He talked to his brother and essentially told him it was a no and everything was fine and everyone was on the same page until the other night.
We were at Mother In Law’s house again but this time my fiancé was there too. Once again MIL brings up the flower girl thing and my fiancé tells her that we already have the position filled and that’s that. But then my MIL tells my fiancé how much it must mean to his brother since he keeps bringing it up.
This brings out the empath in my fiancé and he starts to have an open mind about it…. Meanwhile I’m still against it. And I start to say so with some of the reasons I listed above.
My MIL points out that all of the children in the wedding are from my side except one and that their side doesn’t have any representation. (Meanwhile this is because there are no children on his side) She also points out that there are three little boys in the wedding and why can’t there be three little girls.
At this point she’s convinced my fiancé and I’m an island. I’m still defending my position alone. She wasn’t being rude or anything but every reason I have she seem to have a rebuttal. She’s saying things like “they will get married one day anyways” and “she’s already part of the family.”
Then I start saying “we will think about it”. And she is like “sooo that sounds like a no” and I was like “we will consider it”. She then It was awkward and I was about to like cry so I changed the subject. The whole time I felt like I looked like a major AH. It was really bad.
My fiancé since apologized to me for being open to the idea in front of his mother when we had decided against it. From what he believed about his mother he figured that she would just have an open conversation with us and not try to push her way. I figured it would not go that way.
Later that night he called his brother and told him it was for sure no and we had already asked other people. His brother was sad but understood. I felt really bad and guilty for making my fiancé feel bad. (in hindsight I really should not have because of what followed afterwards) this is where my previous post left off. A lot has happened in the last few days.
I was worried immediately after that conversation that his mother would tell his brother that my fiancé was for it and I was against it while we were at her place. My fiancé said that he knows his mother well and that she wouldn’t do that.
That next morning his brother calls him wanting to talk. The first words out of his mouth are “after our conversation last night I talked to mom and she said that you were wanting to have her as the flower girl and your fiancé (ME) wasn’t” just as I thought would happen…. And he goes on to say “as your brother I want to make sure that you get what you want since it’s your wedding.”
I was pissed. My fiancé told him that we would still talk about it but that we had already agreed not to have her as the flower girl -and that he should not have seemed so open to it last night. That whole day we discussed it.
I felt like an AH and was tempted to cave to keep the peace, but the ONLY reason my fiancé was wanting it was because it meant a lot to his brother. But the conclusion we came to was that it’s NOT HIS BROTHERS WEDDING. So we called him up a few hours later and told him no for the THIRD TIME. He was upset but at least it was over… or so we thought.
He texted him the next morning AGAIN expressing how hurt he was by it but at that point we were like “the decision is made. It’s our wedding please Get over it” and then My fiancé’s brother enlisted their mother… She calls my fiancé and basically attacks him for almost an hour on the phone.
My fiancé did a great job of sticking up for us and sticking to his guns. His mom went as far as to say that my relationships with his whole family will forever be affected by this decision. That one hurt. And that my fiancé’s relationship with his brother will forever be altered.
At this point this is all going way too far. We ended up talking to my fiancé’s sister and found out that his brother no longer wants to be best man anymore and that neither of them want to speak to us for a while. They said that this won’t be resolved UNTIL WE GIVE IN. I’m at a loss for words.
This doesn’t even feel like a real situation to be honest. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. We are definitely not going to give in. At this point all that it would tell them is that if they push hard enough they can manipulate us. It just really hurts because we had such a great relationship before this. Am I the AH for saying no to their request?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Your fiance needs to do two things. One... he needs to tell brother that he had a weak moment and caved in to mom's pressure about this. That while he is sure that IF the brother gets married, you both will welcome new niece with enthusiasm and open arms and will not hesitate to treat her as any other niece. However, you haven't even met her yet and this isn't about her since she isn't even 2 years old yet.
two... he needs to call his mother and tell her to fix this goddamn mess she has created by not taking a no for an answer, not supporting you both on YOUR wedding vs a child you have never met, and now gossiping so that his bride is being trashed and his brother dropped out.
That she should have stayed out of nit and if brother doesn't apologize and back off.... he will be telling everyone what a mess she and brother created and SHE will have to answer all the questions about where is her other son at the wedding.
This kind of stuff is why I think people should save all that $$$$$ and just elope.
NTA - You don’t know the kid of the mom? It seems so weird that this is a hill they are all willing to die on, and yet instead of introducing you to this woman and her child they just keep badgering you about it?
I feel like there has to be SOMETHING weird that they aren’t telling you? Maybe the child is actually your FBIL’s but it’s a secret? Maybe she’s already pregnant with his kid? Something is not adding up.
NTA, simple solution is to elope and tell none of them for as long as you can get away with it. You will not have played favorites that way and you will have not given in to the manipulation that is being applied. Things were fine until MIL didn’t get what she wanted . . . . Isn’t that curious? Time for MIL to be out on an info diet. Time to make note of all who jump to do as she commands. Time for some distance.
NTA. Inviting her and the child to the wedding was enough inclusion and “kindness to newcomers”. MIL and BIL have way overstepped. Being extra nice maybe would’ve been including them and the kid in wedding pics but in the actual wedding is weird. You don’t know them. Honestly I’d elope to avoid it bc now you’re the outsider. All for a girlfriend of 8 months 🙄 I’m sorry, this is a sucky situation 😕