'AITA for denying my brother and best man a plus one? His marriage is on the rocks.' UPDATED 3X
"AITA for denying my brother and best man a plus one?"
I'm (30f) getting married in a couple of weeks and our siblings are in the wedding party. My sister and fiance's sister are my bridesmaids/ MOH. My brother (36m) is the best man. We siblings get along great. Fiance (34m) is my childhood friend, and brother's best friend. My brother's wife (SIL) doesn't get along with my family and we've had several fights.
She has been very snooty with our family because she comes from a wealthier background. She has been rude to my parents, said mean things to my sister's kids, wouldn't let my brother visit the family over the holidays because she didn't want to.
The list is endless. My brother has always defended her and even fought with the rest of the family for her. My parents try to keep things civil for the sake of the family. It's just sad.
So obviously I didn't make SIL a bridesmaid but she was invited as a guest. I even texted to tell her I hoped we could put differences aside and get together as a family on my wedding day. She texted back thanking me for the invite and telling me it would be too hard for her to attend with everything that had happened and that she couldn't pretend.
I thought it was typical of her. Didn't give it much thought. Yesterday my brother called me and asked if he could bring a plus one to the wedding. I asked if he meant SIL. But nope - turns out he and SIL have been separated for a few months because their marriage has been on the rocks.
I think there was some infidelity on his part as well because he wanted to bring his new girlfriend to my wedding. I said hell no. I have never met this new woman and don't know how long it'll last. And he's still married to my SIL and has a child with her. I just don't think it's fair to her or my nephew to be replaced just like that in a family gathering.
My nephew won't be attending the wedding but I'd like to show him the pictures later. How would it make him feel? So I said no. My fiance and brother both think it's unfair because he's best man and deserves a plus one. He claims his marriage is basically over and he's single now. But I'm standing my ground. So am I a bridezilla?
Commenters had a lot of thoughts about the situation.
z-eldapin wrote:
New girlfriend is gonna have to sit this one out. If YOU didn't know they were separated, neither will anyone else and that's way too much drama for a wedding.
OP responded:
Exactly! I'm 90% sure he cheated behind SIL's back and she's she affair partner. Timelines don't add up and my brother is being evasive about it.
Every-Requirement wrote:
Does SIL know about this woman??
OP responded:
No idea, haven't spoken to her since.
quietdiablita wrote:
Could “all that ha[s] happened” that makes her unable “to pretend” be the failure of their marriage?
OP responded:
Maybe. I didn't make the connection then. A lot of other stuff had happened before that. Our last family gathering also ended in a big fight and my parents walking out of their house in tears. She has problems with our family culture, language etc. In an ideal world she would have whisked my white passing brother away from his family and made him a part of her world.
She hated it that he wouldn't cut off his family and even tried to teach his son our language. But she changed her last name to my family's last name so I don't know if she really hates our culture that much. She is a confusing woman. I hate that woman but doesn't justify what my brother is doing.
Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.
Update: Spoke to my sister, she is absolutely on my side. Parents have no idea yet. I don't know what this guy was thinking - just show up with a new woman without telling them?
The next day, OP shared another update.
I spoke to fiance - he admitted he's finding it hard to feel bad for my SIL because she has been so horrible to us and apparently my brother has been miserable for several months. But he agreed that the cheating part was wrong. Fiance agrees that I have a right to be mad and disappointed in my brother. But obviously we're not going to cut him off for his poor choices, we never did. He's an idiot, but he's our idiot.
Fiance said he saw no point in getting off on the wrong foot with the new girlfriend because what if she's nice and this relationship lasts? I told my fiance I was open to getting to know my brother's new girl in the future if she's still around then, but not like this and not right now. Brother needs to get his s#$t together and finalize the divorce, custody and co-parenting arrangements first.
He needs to clean up his mess before creating new ones. Fiance says he's in a difficult position because his other groomsman is also bringing a date, who we've never met before. But that guy was never married, not a part of my family and his date's presence will not create any drama. So this situation is different.
So now we've agreed that we won't invite his girlfriend to the wedding because it would be inappropriate. I told fiance he can tell my brother that I - his sister - made this decision in my family and my nephew's best interests. I'm ready to be the bad guy. That way he can save his relationship with his idiot of a best friend. As for me, I'll deal with my idiot of a brother later. Right now, I don't want to talk to him.
The comments kept coming.
Girlbythesea1717 wrote:
NTA for your decision but YTA for making your fiancé tell YOUR brother basically your decision. You should be the one to tell him.
OP responded:
I had told him my decision immediately, nothing further for me to tell him since I haven't changed my mind.
ffatio wrote:
Despite your MIL being someone the whole family had an issue with it, there’s a child involved. Your brother doesn’t have the right to use your wedding to to rob the attention and announce that he has separated and has a new girlfriend, regardless if they were having an affair or not.
He could introduce her before the wedding if they are really serious. And it’s also possible that this girl doesn’t even want to go to the wedding and being to object of scrutiny from the whole family before she even had a chance to prove herself.
Theponderousmare wrote:
"He's an idiot, but he's our idiot" - This is why all the world's boys need a sister. You're a wonderful sister and in your story proven many times you're a wonderful person too. Definitely not a bridezilla.
You gonna have such a happy marriage and a wonderful family! And about your brother's new gf - if this relationship is to last I'm pretty sure you can justify what you did was right because it was. And if she's a reasonable person she'd agree with you.
OP responded:
Thank you!
Two days later, OP shared another update.
Hello, it has been two years and I was just reminded of my previous post. So here's an update. My wedding took place as scheduled in a beautiful historic church. I'm not religious but even I must say that the ceremony was beautiful and emotional.
My brother attended it as best man but without a plus one. My parents got to know what was going on and wouldn't let him set foot in the church with another woman while still married. My now ex SIL or nephew didn't attend either. I was a little sad about my nephew not attending, but I sent him his "thank you" gift.
We learnt more about why my brother's marriage imploded and it makes me so sad. It was because of religion. My parents had organized a baptism for my nephew as per Catholic tradition and my ex SIL didn't want it because she is not Catholic. (Edit for clarity: Nobody told my parents at that time that ex-SIL had an issue, they thought she was on board).
My parents had no reason to suspect this would ever be an issue because my brother and ex SIL got married in a Catholic Church(!!) - the same one I got married in. But turns out she was cool with it because it was a beautiful historical church and she thought it was romantic. She had different feelings about the baptism. My brother mishandled the whole thing and made this baptism his hill to die on.
Ultimately, it was my stupid brother's fault and failure to communicate, but our entire family got blamed for being pushy. If either of them had told this to my parents they wouldn't have suggested that my nephew be baptized. (Edit for clarity: In my culture, grandparents host and pay for the baptism party, it's a big deal. So my parents wanted to know if they needed to set money aside and start planning it.
The child's parents are supposed to speak with the priest and do the religious parts. That never happened because brother's marriage had imploded at that point.) My parents are not bigoted or intolerant of other faiths. My other brother and SIL are raising their kids Jewish (her mother's religion).
My parents were totally cool with it because they were clear about what they wanted for their children. My brother has since divorced my (ex) SIL and married the woman he was dating at that time. My new SIL is actually quite nice and gets along with the family, and is a good step mom to my nephew. My brother has joint custody. I hope he doesn't mess up this marriage too.
FWIW, she's an observant Catholic, so religion at least won't be an issue this time. My parents have told my ex SIL she will always be a part of the family as my nephew's mother and she is welcome home anytime. She wants to keep her distance though, and I totally understand why.
The internet was invested in the new update.
Specialist-Leek-6927 wrote:
Your brother was trying to find a justification to implode his marriage, he used your nephew as an excuse while creating a situation where he wouldn't be the only one to blame, in this case he dragged your naive parents into it, while also framing your ex sil as stubborn, you are giving your ah of a brother too much grace.
OP responded:
My brother was an AH for how he handled several things, but she had her own issues. She was r*cist to our family, hated that my parents were working class, and always had mean things to say about them because they speak English with an accent. On one occasion, she even threatened to call ICE on my Dad in anger (he's NOT undocumented, she was just being a bully).
Specialist-Leek-6927 wrote:
Your description of her in this comment, doesn't match how you described her previously, and why would your parents be so nice to a racist b*lly? I'm confused.
OP responded:
Oh we all tolerated her only because my brother was so much in love with her and we wanted them to be happy, and we all wanted to have a relationship with their child. My parents wanted their son to be happy and if tolerating his racist wife was what it took, they decided to put up with it. She apologized for the ICE comment though and they forgave her.
elseldo wrote:
So they broke up because she wouldn't do Catholic things so he committed adultery, breaking one of the ten commandments with someone who is Catholic?
Okay. Religion confuses me the way people pick and choose what matters and what doesn't.
OP responded:
He is a self proclaimed atheist. It's weird that he was so hell bent on raising his child Catholic. My parents are Catholic but don't dictate what their grandchildren should be.
bmw5986 wrote:
I think there's more to this that he's not telling you. Im trying to understand why an atheist would blow up his marriage over Catholic baptism. Hopefully, he learns to communicate properly, otherwise he will ruin this one too. Glad your wedding went well. :)
OP responded:
Copy pasting from another comment. My guess is that it became an ego battle between him and his ex-wife. She's not very Christian either. She was raised either Presbyterian or Methodist. I bet she can't even tell the key differences between her denomination and Catholicism. This ego battle was just bizarre overall.