'AITA for destroying my relationship with my daughter and ending my marriage?'
"AITA for destroying my relationship with my daughter and ending my marriage?"
I (41M) have been with my wife (41F) for 24 years. We have 3 kids. 2 of which are adults 21F & 18M. My marriage has been a bit rocky for a few years. I have been racked with anxiety, stress, and fear which I have let affect me and our marriage.
A few weeks ago, my daughter came to me and told me that, through work with her therapist, she has determined that trauma she experienced during her childhood caused by me is responsible for her failed relationships and bad behavior.
I shut it down. I told her all her good qualities should be her focus. This worsened our relationship as she said I wasn’t listening and continued to double down on me taking accountability. I told her “ I certainly made mistakes, and a lot of them, but I did my best”.
The rift significantly worsened when she told me that wasn’t good enough and that I didn’t do my best. Along with other comments that I took as disrespect and hurtful such as “you only have an emotional connection if it benefits you”.
I then began to seek guidance. I spoke about the situation with multiple family members and friends as well as my therapist. 9 out 10 including my mother and brother told me she was being disrespectful and that she needs to experience life and gain perspective.
I tried multiple olive branches to smooth it over to no avail. Finally after trying and her refusing to speak to me. I told her “my name is on the deed” and implied that if she won’t talk to me then she can get out.
This had devastating consequences. My wife immediately told me if I kicked her out she would divorce me. Several horrible arguments erupted culminating in my daughter calling the cops on me trying to have me removed from my home.
It didn’t work because I was not physical or violent. I recorded the whole fight and while I am not innocent, my wife and daughter said some things that really hurt me. I thought, this is it, there is no coming back.
My anger towards my daughter for the entire situation came to a head from her calling the cops and I told her “don’t talk to me like that, I’m your father, you are no daughter of mine”.
I regretted it instantly. All in one moment I saw all of the hurt and pain this all caused her. I can’t stop seeing her crying because of me. I feel like my support system lead me down the wrong path.
Now my daughter wants nothing to do with me. My wife says divorce is non-negotiable and I feel lost, confused, broken, and angry. My mother in law talked to me and helped me see the forest through the trees but it’s done and I messed everything up.
Diving deeper that anxiety, stress, and fear have made me insufferable and difficult that my wife has had enough. I want to save my family. I love my wife and daughter. I’m an idiot. However my mom and brother say I did and am doing the right thing. It sure doesn’t feel like it. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
9/10 people said you are right... was the one who said you were wrong the therapist?
YTA. you keep making the worst move possible every time. "Shutting it down" when someone is trying to address something important to them is going to hurt the relationship. Its your fault and you're still not taking any accountability.
YTA. You have such a strong victim complex that it ruined your family.
YTA. Seems like maybe your behavior this time wasn’t anything new and they are finally done with you.
"I feel like my support system lead me down the wrong path."
I beg you the finest pardon? You are shameless and have ZERO accountability. Just audacity. You’re the biggest AH.
YTA. She tries to share what she’s been learning in therapy and start a dialogue about how you hurt her and you “shut it down”. I also had parents who “did their best” but you don’t get to decide for your children if it’s enough. And it’s okay to hear that your best wasn’t enough! It hurts but we don’t get things right all the time. Your best wasn’t enough for your daughter. Your best still hurt her.
Not gonna lie I had a similar conversation with my dad. And he always, ALWAYS made it about his hurt, his struggling, and his best efforts. I know that it’s hard to hear that you have failed at something. Even something as important as being a parent.
But failure doesn’t mean you will always fail at that thing. It gives you an opportunity to learn and ACTUALLY BE BETTER. Regardless of your perception, you let your hurt feelings, unwillingness to listen and insecurities ruin not one, but two relationships.
wrathofnovaprime (OP)
You are right.
Look dude I know that being a parent is hard. Usually we had trash parents and weren’t given the skills or resources growing up to be able to be what our kids need. But at some point you have to find the resources. Give yourself the skills. If you have access to Reddit, you can also look into therapy. Parenting tips for adult kids, emotional validation.
I’m sorry if your parents also didn’t do enough. I’m willing to bet they also told you “they did the best they could with what they had” and maybe it’s true. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or affect people. Consider the impact of your words and choices and not the intention. Because good intentions can still hurt someone.
OP you’re literally shutting down your daughter‘s thoughts and feelings she’s telling you how she felt about her childhood and things that she felt were traumatic and you basically shut her down and told her her feelings and her thoughts weren’t valid.
She wanted you to take accountability for the things you screwed up and you didn’t you drop the ball. She may have been a little disrespectful in her delivery, but you weren’t listening and you basically stomped your feet like a little child.
YTA, your daughter came to you and tried to talk to you and as you stated you shut it down. You've admitted you have anxiety, fear, etc., well how do you think that being untreated has effected your family.
Your mother and brother shouldn't have even been asked, of course they will side with you, otherwise you wouldnt have come to reddit to ask us. So, yeah not only are you the AH, you showed your daughter that you will never take accountability.
Which had you actually done so, your relationship with her might have gotten better, if you try now chances are she wont believe you because you showed her who you are. As for your wife, I don't blame her.
After years and years of your behavior and lack of accountability, I can see where that wore her down and this was the straw that broke that metaphorical camels back. I do hope you decide to get your act together, if not for your own sake, do it for your family that you say you love.
P.S. My father has the same issues, plus a few more, and I'm no contact with him because of his behavior and lack of accountability, and lack of respect. Don't let your own pride and ego stop you from doing the right thing.