"AITA for 'dictating' my flight details?"
I (20F) grew up with divorced parents in two different states. My dad remarried to a woman (my stepmom), and growing up with her was rough. She is the kind of person who has to be 'right' all of the time (even when she's clearly in the wrong) and likes to walk all over people to prove her point.
We recently had a long weekend break at my college, and I had plans to visit my dad during that time. My dad texts and asks me if the flight he found worked for me. Id be flying from Pittsburgh to Greensboro, with a stop in Charlotte. Here's the thing: normally I just fly directly to Charlotte as it is a quick and easy trip. Also, Charlotte is 30 min closer to where he lives.
I mentioned that because the last two flights I was on (travels that weren't to my dads) had issues with the connections, where due to weather and mechanical problems I was stuck and had to be put on a new flight.
Also, I am a resident assistant and needed to be back on campus by a certain day and time, and don't want being stuck somewhere to prevent me from returning when I need to. I then politely asked if I could just be put on the direct flight to Charlotte I usually take, and he said that was fine. He booked the flight and all was good.
Fast forward to the day after I arrive, stepmom and I are driving to the grocery store. She asks me out of the blue why I requested a different flight than the one to Greensboro. I gave her the same reasons I gave my dad, only for her to over power me with a "BuT YoU AReNt tHe ONe PaYInG!!"
I calmly explained to her that I understand I'm not the one paying, but my dad asked me for my input so I gave it based on my parameters. She then raises her voice and goes on that "sometimes we have to be inconvenienced to save money, especially when it comes to flights."
I calmly reminded her that she has always pushed me to "speak up more" and "be more communicative." so that is simply what I did: speak up and let my dad know that the direct flight to Charlotte worked a lot better for me.
Stepmom then huffed and called me ungrateful for having a dad that wants to see me, so I just stayed silent and didn't buy into her antics. Its like the minute I stick up for myself, I'm being punished all of a sudden. It feels like stepmom is inadvertently training me to not speak up so the world can walk all over me, but WITA here for even giving my preferences?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
carr1e wrote:
NTA. These are decisions between you and your dad and between your dad and your stepmom. He gets to deal with her, not you. You can use the grey rock method and give her an answer that shows it's not up for discussion.
You're allowed to determine your own boundaries. Just give her a simple, "I gave my preference when Dad asked." Any other follow up from her is met with, "This is a discussion between you and my Dad" and keep repeating that.
CeeCeeATL wrote:
NTA. I can see him initially suggesting the cheaper flight, in case it made no difference. But you communicated that the other flight would be more in line with what you needed. I do think your stepmom is out of line though. It sounds like you already know this.
Only suggestion I have would be for your response to be ‘my dad and I had a conversation about what flight would work best. I don’t have any concerns with our discussion. If you have any concerns, please discuss with my dad. I don’t think it is appropriate for you to make comments like this to me’.
FriendlyLeopard5607 wrote:
NTA. You need to have a talk with your dad, explain your step-mother's reaction and comments and explain that you're not going to tolerate being treated that way by her. Full Stop. You were asked for your input, you had valid reasons for wanting the flight change and it just made sense.
Instead, your step-mom berates you because you didn't go with her option that while it may save a few bucks, it could potentially cost YOU more in lost time from your job as an RA, as well as it just being an unnecessary inconvenience to you.
Next time, tell her to go kick rocks in flip flops.
Haidrek wrote:
NTA. Have a private talk with your dad. Let him know what she said without offering any judgment or questions. IMPORTANT: Tell him this as an FYI, that way he does not feel he has to defend his choice of wife. That is it hot mess that you do not want to stick your fork into.
Instead, mention how much you love him and how happy you are to be home visiting. Tell him how much you appreciate that he asked for your feedback.
He can take care of the rest behind closed doors.
CandylandCanada wrote:
NTA. When you give her information, she weaponizes it.
OP: Dad and I worked it out.
SM: But you didn't answer my question!
OP: I worked it out with Dad.
SM: Why won't you tell me why you changed the flight?
OP: Because I worked it out with Dad.
Please enjoy the look of frustration on her face when you repeatedly respond with non-answers. I wouldn't mention this so as not to engage, but *she* isn't paying either, it's between you and your dad, and this is none of her business. Keep that in your mind, don't share it.
Jocelyn-1973 wrote:
Talk to your father. He probably doesn't know that she does this.
Tell him: I hear from stepmother that the two of you feel that I shouldn't be asking since I am not paying - but then why did you ask me for feedback?
TeleHO wrote:
This, but less passive aggressive and more adult. "Hey dad, stepmom told me you were concerned about the price of my tickets. Going forward, can we talk directly about stuff like this, rather than through a second person? That way we can avoid misunderstandings and be on the same page." No sulking off needed.
Wandering_aimlessly9 wrote:
That’s when you go to your dad and say, “dad I’m so sorry. Stepmom just informed me of how big of an inconvenience I am and how I’m wasting your money flying home. I will stop. I didn’t realize I was such a problem. I’m just so sorry. I won’t do it again.
I wish you had told me how you really felt.” Then walk off in “shame” and go to your room. Or the bathroom. Step mom wants to play stupid games. She can win stupid prizes.