'AITA because I didn't acknowledge Father's Day on Sunday to my husband (father of our children)?'
"AITA because I didn't acknowledge Father's Day on Sunday to my husband (father of our children)?"
For 22 years, I have acknowledged Father's Day for my husband, taught our three children to acknowledge it, and tried to go out of my way to make it special for him by getting gifts, making dinner and picking up most of the 'chores' for the day.
My husband over the years has felt at times like I have not thought he was a good father. Admittedly, there have been good and not so good times where I have indeed felt like he did better, and then not so great. Personally, I feel like I have made more positive comments than negative, but he has expressed over the years that he feels the opposite.
Now, this last Saturday night, we were in bed talking about Father's Day the next day. He proceeded to tell me - “I’m not interested in hearing those words (Happy Father’s Day)”, “I don’t want decorations”, and “It feels like a fake, forced day.” He had already decided he was cooking his own dinner, even though I had already coordinated with the kids to all show up.
I got teary eyed about it and went to sleep. The next day, I made no comments about Father's Day, there were no decorations, and the only thing I did was try to be a little funny by putting out a piece of paper with some candy as "sperm and eggs" on it with a written 'Thanks!' I tried to make the day 'normal' by going about my usual tasks.
I admittedly probably overly compensated by seeming standoffish, because it's the first time in 23 years that I felt like I was not supposed to celebrate Father's Day. That night, and since then, he is upset with me and says that I completely decided he didn't want me to acknowledge Father's Day, that there is no way I should have interpreted his comments in that way. AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
ScaryButterscotch474 wrote:
NTA. Sounds like your husband was trying to get you to tell him that he is a fabulous father and then his approach blew up in his face because you literally took him at his word. Or alternatively he was over it and then realised that the day with no celebration sucks and now he cannot admit that he was wrong.
Either way, he asked and he received. What does he do for you for Mother’s Day? Anything? If not, don’t sweat it. You are meeting his energy. If he does normally celebrate Mother’s Day, you might want to get this issue squared away before the next Mother’s Day.
OP responded:
Yes, we always have celebrated both Mother's and Father's Day. I would never tell him that I don't want Mother's Day acknowledged. He knows I love tradition and holidays.
PreviousPin597 wrote:
NTA, he got what he wanted and still complained, blaming you for following his directive. He wants kudos even though he knows they may not be deserved, and instead of managing his big feelings or processing his big feelings, he blames you, again. I'm guessing there's a pattern here. So sorry, OP. Hope he's at least decent on mother's day.💔
late-nineteenth wrote:
The only thing I am noticing is the part where you said you feel like you have made many more positive comments than negative about him being a father. FYI, negative comments really stick in the brain much more than positive ones. You need exponentially more positive comments just to counter negative ones.
Just something to think about.
ETA: you're NTA by following his seemingly instructive thinking out loud.
OP responded:
Agreed, I feel like I have been 50/50, but I think you're right, the negative comments really stick.
Deep-Okra1461 wrote:
NTA. He's trying to trap you in a no win situation. He talked about the day being forced and fake. Then he says you shouldn't have 'interpreted' his remarks in that way. There was no interpretation. He said he didn't want the Father's Day stuff that usually marks the day. So he didn't get it. Now he wants to act like that's not what he meant.
LibraryMegan wrote:
NTA because he got exactly what he told you he wanted. However, you rolling over teary eyed and not responding is weird to me. After so many years of marriage, you should be able to have a discussion with your partner. You should have told him flat out that you would take him at his word and cancel the plans you made.
OKParking330 wrote:
In the past has him having a whine fest put you into the position of reassuring and bolstering him up? Was that maybe what he was looking for? NTA. but I think this is a deeper issue for you both. How bad of a father was he?
Were you complaining about him not folding laundry and sending kids to school with wrinkly shirts? Or that he was yelling, or hitting the kids or putting them down? Makes a huge difference in how I would interpret your positive/negative comments on his being a father.
GeomEunTulip wrote:
Sooooo I interpreted his words differently than most in the comments seem to have interpreted. See, OP in the post says she thinks she has said more good than bad about him as a father. But in the COMMENTS, she says she’s said about 50/50, which is a pretty big difference.
When you have someone saying HALF THE TIME that you are doing wrong stuff, that you aren’t being a good father, but suddenly, because it’s a holiday, you are being told how thankful everyone is for you and have the same wife who criticized you half the time saying you are a wonderful father?
Feels pretty “forced” and “fake” to me. So I can see where he is coming from.
He communicated poorly, though. Instead of expressing his true feelings, he expressed half realized ideas according to your post. In this way, I say ESH.
Him for not communicating properly and getting upset when his words are followed, OP for being a negative partner constantly downing on her husband to the point where he doesn’t feel sincerity behind Father’s Day. If the genders were reversed, people would be focused a lot more on the “50/50” of negative vs positive feedback.