'I didn’t attend my son’s wedding, I instead spent the evening with his ex-wife. AITA?' UPDATED

"AITA? I didn’t attend my son’s wedding, I instead spent the evening with his ex wife."

Quick backstory, after graduating high school my son moved 3 states away for college. At 19 he married a girl he met, I tried convincing him to wait because I personally felt he was too immature.

They both dropped out and moved back here to his hometown. At 20 they had their first child, a beautiful little girl. 16 months later, my DIL gave birth to their second child, a little boy.

After the first baby, my wife and I noticed our DIL wasn’t happy. We both thought it was PPD related. Just after the second arrived, my son and his wife separated. She would bring the kids over for a visit, it was then she began unloading on us.

I know there’s two sides to every story, but considering I know my son, I believed her. I sat my son down numerous times to speak with him regarding his marriage.

He refused to take responsibility, blamed her for everything even when I directly pointed out where he was the sole problem. They got into counseling, for a year things were ‘ok’ on the surface.

Our DIL filed for divorce, my son 3 days later was on Facebook announcing his new girlfriend. A month later, they were engaged. My son had forced his then wife to become a permanent SAHM at the birth of their first child.

She of course had no other family or friends here, she knew no one aside from us. She had nowhere to go with two small children. Unbeknownst to our son, my wife and I helped her financially and got her an apartment.

Before the divorce was even finalized, we received a wedding invitation. I made it clear to my son, I would not be attending and they would not have my blessing. His mother told him she would see to it that I would attend.

I stayed consistent in my decision, I also asked him not to bring his fiancée around our house out of respect for the mother of his children. The wedding happened on Feb 11. The night before, my wife gave me the final push. I did not attend.

Our daughter, also did not attend for the same reasons. My wife picked up our grandkids, got them dressed and attended the wedding. My daughter and I decided to spend the evening with his ex.

I couldn’t imagine her sitting alone, while her kid’s attended their father’s wedding. She was taken aback that I didn’t end up attending his wedding. We took her out to distract her mind.

I just wanted her to know, she’ll always be considered family to us. My daughter also made a joke they can drop the in-law status and just be sisters now. She was very tearfully grateful.

I realized just how badly she needed our support and specifically on that night. The next morning, my son called to tell me how much of a horrible father I am for not attending his wedding.

Few days later he caught wind that I spent the wedding evening with his ex. He said that was the ultimate form of betrayal, and further myself and his sister would have to earn an relationship with him on his terms only.

The internet weighed in with their thoughts.

StAlvis wrote:

NTA. 'Our DIL filed for divorce, my son 3 days later was on Facebook announcing his new girlfriend. A month later, they were engaged.'

Eww.

The best children are the ones you choose.

Posterbomber wrote:

NTA - this is funny, you have to 'earn' a relationship on his terms. I think he needs to check his offering. He's way over valuing what he brings to the table.

nurse-ratchet- wrote:

NTA- it sounds like you’re a reasonable parent who acknowledges when your kid is being an idiot. I don’t see anything wrong with you choosing to support the mother of your grandchildren who he seems to have left in a bad spot.

OrangeSpiceNinja wrote:

NTA. He wanted a trophy wife, immediately got into a relationship with another woman when he got divorced, and tried to manipulate both you and her.

Unlike some comments that will undoubtedly come, the relationship you have with your ex DIL is yours, not dependent on him. Good for you for helping her out through this difficult time and for standing against the AH son.

SeaSnow1010 wrote:

NTA.

And OP, you win FIL of the year award. Your son seems to be very very immature.

You received an invitation and already made it clear you would not attend. And the way you helped the DIL, is a testament to what a kind man you are. You and your daughter have the morals your son will never be able to see.

PJfanRI wrote:

NTA. I don't understand people that think you are required to side with family members regardless of their decisions.

From the sounds of it, your son wasn't faithful to your DIL. He is the one that did wrong, not her. Why punish someone you care about when they're the victim? The son is an a**hole. He made his bed, now he gets to sleep in it.

Major_Barnacle_2212 wrote:

Wow. I feel like it's hard to fully judge without knowing the issues of a marriage, but based on the timeline you shared of your son's 'girlfriend' announcement, it speaks volumes.

Your daughter aligning in your views also says something about the arc of the relationship. I think it's very brave for you to see your daughter-in-law (I guess now she's your daughter-in-love, not law) as a person who most needs family and your support.

Standing with your beliefs may have cost you a relationship with your son, and likely with future grandchildren. But it will have profoundly impacted the life of some very real humans in your life now.

Sometimes family comes to us outside of blood. It sounds like you found someone you genuinely brought into yours, and don't want to see wronged, even by another family member. NTA, in my opinion.

In response to some of the comments, OP shared a comment clarifying the nature of his son's past relationship more in-depth.

He tried controlling his ex-wife. When they married she was blonde. Shortly after she had brown hair. After having the two kids, she wanted to go blonde again. He told her no, that he wants her to have brunette hair.

Then he comes home with a tattoo, he never even uttered a word to her beforehand. He didn’t want her working, or really ever leaving the house. She gained weight, understandably after having a baby. He was mad at her for not trying harder to lose it. Said he didn’t marry a fat woman.

After the dust had settled, OP jumped back on with an update.

First, I’d like to sincerely thank each and every one of you for your support, encouragement, and all the awards. I know without a doubt, I did the right thing. I even feel differently now, his mother should not have attended either. But we can’t go back and undo that. So, my son saw the post. I had sent my daughter the link yesterday so she could read the comments.

This morning, she texts me at work…DAD YOU WENT VIRAL! Lol But anyways, he sent screenshots of the post and all my comments to his mom. He also told her…”He’s dead to me now.” Time will tell if he means that. I’m sure he’ll see this update too. For that reason, I’m positively certain the second he needs another cash loan I won’t be dead anymore.

His mom told him, “Your children have to be our number one priority.” They’re not just some disposable items you can leave behind when one chapter of your life closes. Maybe one day, he’ll understand this.

The commenters did not hold back.

madmatt911 wrote:

I'm sure you can make it up to him by attending atleast one of his next three weddings...NTA.

OP responded:

That honestly made me laugh, but sadly probably going to be true. I can only hope this one works out for him and she treats my grandkids well.

Responsible-Mall2222 wrote:

NTA, I give his new wife 2 years tops before he is cheating again.

OP responded:

I give it 5 minutes. It’s bound to happen, especially if she puts on a little weight.

basestay wrote:

I like how he told you that you needed to earn a relationship with him. Why would you want to earn a relationship with someone who disrespects relationships he already has? Your kid kinda sounds narcissistic considering how he was quick to toss his first wife and get with the new girl. NTA. I’m happy his ex has someone like you and your daughter in her life.

OP responded:

So many people here have said he sounds narcissistic. I’ve heard the term a million times. I know it’s a self centered person but I’ve never researched it. Well I did this afternoon. That perfectly describes him. He has no empathy, he’s always right and everyone else is wrong. I see it’s a taught behavior.

I have no idea what I did or his mother did to have him develop narcissistic traits. I probably let too much crap slide maybe. He overwhelmed me a lot, he’d laugh at his consequences and act like I didn’t have the authority to discipline him.

gimpstack wrote:

Sorry, I know you're his father, so on at least some level this probably will offend you, but he honestly doesn't sound worth having a relationship with.

NTA.

OP responded:

We haven’t had that good of a relationship anyways. He says I favored his sister. She didn’t have me coming to the principle’s office every other week or send the cops out for doing stupid s#$t. But that doesn’t really matter here. He just gave me a run for my money as he grew up whereas his sister focused on her education and didn’t get involved in delinquent behavior.

Moon_Colored_Demon wrote:

So he was cheating and married the girl he cheated on his ex-wife with? Hell tf no. NTA.

OP responded:

He swore he wasn’t cheating. I’m sorry but if my marriage fails...well it hasn’t but I would do everything I could to prevent that. But I sure as hell wouldn’t be calling 1-800-find-a-bride. Especially with kids involved. There’s so many reasons I couldn’t attend his wedding. I felt like it was a huge slap in his young children’s face.

He provided them an unstable household, then overnight daddy has a new step mommy for you. He was without a doubt cheating. His ex knew it, I had even asked if there was someone else but he swore there wasn’t.

girlgoals95 wrote:

NTA. While it feels like you were prioritizing your son's ex over him, it honestly sounds like you were prioritizing your grandkids over him. That includes supporting their mother. Good for you and your daughter for being there for her. One day the kids will be old enough to understand that you had their best interest in mind, no matter what their dad says or does. He clearly isn't focused on his kids well being.