Girlfriend’s secret contact with affair partner revealed after his tragic death. AITA? UPDATED 3X
"My girlfriend got angry when I didn’t feel enough sympathy when I found out that the guy she had an emotional affair with died."
Just to make it clear, we have been dating for over 5 years now and things have changed a lot since the affair. I’m not saying what she did was okay, but I have forgiven my girlfriend since.
About only four months into our relationship, she was close to this guy from university. They had a thing once but stayed as friends. I read a conversation between him and her one time and found out what was happening. Anyway, this was five years ago. Basically, the guy still liked her. She didn’t, but flirted back.
Last week, the guy fell off a building while climbing it or something. Apparently, he lost footing while climbing a crane for some reason. I don’t know, I knew he was into that “climbing buildings for views” type of thing.
I’m going to assume you guys know what I’m talking about. My girlfriend told me that he passed away as soon as I came home from work. This was how the conversation went.
Her: D died yesterday. Me: oh, yeah? Poor bloke, he was asking for it though. Didn’t he do those stupid parkour things? Her: what is wrong with you? He left a sister, a mum and a dad. How heartless can you get?
I’m not happy that the guy died and I’m not sad, either. I just feel okay about it. I didn’t know him enough and he never apologised for what he did to me. Three years ago, I probably would’ve laughed because I wished for it to happen.
The anger I felt for him was so high. I understand that my girlfriend used to be close to him but they haven’t talked since she cut him out of her life so I don’t get why she’s getting all emotional.
It’s not my fault he died, it’s not my fault I’m not bawling my eyes out. I would bawl my eyes out if it was a kid, but a full-grown adult who convinced my girlfriend to cheat on me, never apologised for it and is now climbing cranes for fun? No.
To add to this, he was a massive jerk to everyone, including our teachers, in high school. He also mocked me because of my height. I don’t see the wrong thing in what I did but I do miss my girlfriend.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Definitely a rough situation. While I probably would have thought the same thing you did and would have probably made that joke to one of my friends afterwards (if they didn't know/care about him) it was a bad move to make that joke to her. She definitely should have looked for sympathy from someone else but you shouldn't have thrown salt in the wound.
douknowdewayy (OP)
I’m just gonna apologise for what I said. Right now.
She’s still mourning, heard her sniffling in the morning. Why? I don’t know.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I appreciate everyone else’s two cents on the issue. After logging out of this account, I walked up to my girlfriend in our bedroom to see her crying while looking at her phone. She found photos of them together while they were a thing.
Just the typing this makes me sick to my stomach. The sight of her an emotional wreck just made me break down. I asked if we could talk tomorrow and all she said was a faint yes.
Well, we had that talk. And she admitted to falling in love with him during the affair and not getting over him for about 7-8 months WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER. She told me she never felt anything for him during this time.
This also means that she kept in contact with him all this time through small Facebook conversations. I’m going to give a few points to that redditor who suggested that maybe she was in contact with him even before his death.
I apologised for what I said but I am terribly hurt. She lied to me all this time. I am not proposing. She has broken my trust and still stayed disloyal after all these years and after everything I have ever done for her. We have been through so many things. I was almost certain she was the one for me.
She begged me to forgive her and to stay but I don’t know anymore. She also told me that even if they kept contact, she has never felt anything for him again. She just said he was a great guy.
I am staying at a friends tonight and will be moving out of our apartment soon. Took a day off at work and my life has gone straight into the garbage. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know if we’re broken up or not. All I know is I’m questioning everything at the moment. I don’t wanna move, I don’t wanna eat. I just can’t.
I’m missing her so much and I’m tempted to come back home but I’m also angry and I’m afraid that I’m going to end up hurting her as soon as I see her. She has been trying to reach me and asking when I’m coming home as if I only left for work.
Don’t worry, friends. I will be okay. Just wish I broke up with her as soon as I found out about the affair so I wouldn’t have to go through this all over again. It all feels like a dream to me. I know my reaction to his death was harsh, but I do not deserve any of this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s first update:
This is why this sub will generally advise breaking up when a person cheats. It's so much more painful later when the cheating happens again or when more information about the affair turns up. I'm sorry you're going through this. You now know your (ex?) Is a cheater and a liar, and a person who will hide and do hurtful things behind your back.
If she really didn't have serious feelings for him why was she putting your healing relationship with you at risk by continuing to contact him? If she didn't feel anything for him why is she having crying jags over him? She continued to cheat on you emotionally. Continue with your plan to move out, then move on. You are worth so much more than this.
If he meant nothing to her she wouldn’t be so upset.You are wise to move on,she is not marriage material at the moment and for you she never will be.
Hey dude, I'm sorry for you, not by mercy or pity, but by empathy. I was one who suggested she still in touch, and I would have preferred I was wrong. As you don't have appetite, you should pick liquid food : soup, smoothie, hot chocolate, milkshake. If you have issue for sleep, cold shower can help you to sleep, as it will slow your body temp.
The OP then returned with a second update.
All I know is she chose to betray me even when I made it clear I wanted him out of our lives. I am now at a friend’s house and she has been calling and messaging me, even having the audacity to call my parents and demanding them to tell me to call her back.
The pain is too much right now. I haven’t eaten since. I don’t think I can. I don’t wanna do anything, including moving. I wanna stay in bed and sleep in for the rest of my life. Everything reminds me of her.
5 years of my life wasted. All the money, the time, our apartment that I’m planning to give up to her because she doesn’t have anyone else. I hate this. What did I ever do to deserve this.
These past few days have been really hard on me. I only had almost three hours of sleep last night and it is currently midnight right now. I’m not going to consider getting back with her. I’m trying to be okay.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s second update:
You didn't do anything to deserve this. It's on her. She lied to you. Try to get out and do anything. Get fresh air, go for a walk, hit the gym. It'll take time to clear your head.
She should be thankful that you didn't hop up and dance a jig. So turned out that she didn't cut contact with him after all, that means that the affair continued. Ask her if she would cry if a man who beat her kids died? This guy helped her to hurt you in one of the worst ways possible. Of course you didn't care that he died.
She maintained a relationship with you both. Now that she has lost the real love of her life she is left with you. So she will grasp at all she can to keep you close. She is a horrible person and you cant save her or help her. Only she can learn from this and that is if she really is willing to see what is wrong with her.
Most cheaters wont look to themselves when they cheat. Why would they. They have a perfectly willing victim to take blame right in front of them most of the time. Your right to have left. You need to take the time to heal and move on from her. Life is to short to stay with someone that will treat you this way.
A month later, he OP returned with their final update.
It has been weeks since the biggest nightmare in my life happened. I have never been so wrecked, so emotionally drained and traumatised. My ex-girlfriend decided to move out of the apartment just over a week ago.
We both signed an agreement that the apartment becomes mine. That was the last time I saw her. Nothing big happened except her friends talking me out of this break up. Stupid idiots.
She’s still trying to come back to me but I’m slowly starting to heal and accepting the fact that her chapter in my book is over so her door to me is now locked. I’m currently seeing someone to help me get over her and I think it is working.
I’ve tried a couple of things and even went skydiving. It felt good. The thought of her still hurts me deeply, but I’m certain it will go away. I’m hopeful at the moment. Maybe being alone isn’t so bad after all.
It made me reconnect with a lot of friends and family. Thank you everyone for the help and the advice. It might seem little to a few people but your understanding and words gave me comfort.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s final update:
"It’s honestly too late to dump her as I am planning on proposing soon" is such an insane thing to say. Maybe I just don't get how long-term relationships work, but just that idea makes my head hurt.
This is honestly the main reason why I could never stay with someone after I learned they cheated. I know myself. The worry and stress from me wondering if they were still in contact would eat my sanity alive. I just don't think I could do it but I thankfully haven't had to put that theory you the test.
Congratulations on moving on and finding yourself again. Being alone for a while is a good thing. You can concentrate on you and only you. Do what you want, keep connecting with old friends. It is really looking up for you.