Mom refuses to give daughter copy of father’s death certificate to save her lost college financial aid. AITA?
"AITA if I didn’t give my daughter a copy of her father’s death certificate for her SAP appeal?"
My daughter (18F) just finished her first year of college, and unfortunately, she ended the year with a 1.7 GPA. This disqualifies her from receiving financial aid moving forward due to not meeting Satisfactory Academic Progress standards.
To her credit, she was completely honest with me about the situation, which I really appreciated. She didn’t try to lie or shift the blame. She admitted that she didn’t take college seriously enough, got distracted, and didn’t put in the effort. I was disappointed, but I respected her for being upfront with me.
My daughter has always been an intelligent young woman, so this drop came as a surprise. There wasn’t any significant hardship during the school year that she told me about, and again, she was honest in saying she just didn’t try as hard as she should have.
Her father passed away in 2020. While that might sound like something that would deeply impact someone, the truth is he was never present in her life. They had no relationship, and when he passed, it didn’t really affect her emotionally. She’s even acknowledged that herself.
But now, for the SAP appeal, she’s asking me for a copy of his death certificate, with the intent of saying that his passing caused depression and academic decline. I feel really uncomfortable with this. It’s not true, and it feels dishonest.
I’ve told her that I think she should take responsibility and own up to her choices. Yes, it’s unlikely the appeal will be approved since SAP appeals are specifically based on hardships or circumstances you couldn’t control during the academic year, and she’s already admitted this wasn’t one of those cases.
She’s upset with me because financial aid covered everything this year, and she even got a refund check both semesters. She told me I’m being selfish because this is too important to use as a lesson learned. I understand she’s scared and stressed, and I do feel terrible that she’s in this situation.
But at the same time, I believe we have to raise our children to face the consequences of their actions, not teach them to lie their way out of them. I told her if it doesn’t get appealed, she can take out private loans and work to raise her gpa and regain financial aid in the spring.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
YWBTA I’m estranged from my father but I’ll take the 3 days paid bereavement leave when he dies. If the appeal isn’t approved that’s up to them, not you. You’re punishing her for underperforming but she’s already received consequences from it. Give her the death certificate and make sure she understands she needs to take next year seriously.
As someone who is going into their second year of college and couldn’t get financial aid due to my parents financial status, YTA. There needs to be a lesson learned, but this isn’t where it should be. Do what you can to get her ahead. I’ve been stressed out constantly over money because I am going to have to pay off loans.
My hair is falling out. Do you want that for her? The college system is a scam and being honest with it is how you get screwed over. Don’t screw your daughter over by trying to be honest with them.
Regardless of the school situation, she should have a copy of his death certificate in any case since he was her father. Regarding the school situation, you are being an AH.
YTA. You’re not entitled to keep an adult child’s vital documents away from them for any reason, regardless of your opinion. If you have evidence of a crime, give to the authorities. Whether or not she had a relationship to her father is not the basis of if she suffered depression related to his death.
Everyone who loses a parent has their own story about what that means to them and it’s not for you to say she’s not affected by his death because you have no idea what she really thinks about her father. Maybe she held out hope for a relationship and had aspirations for a reunion and death has forced her to confront the finality of that.
Don’t assume you know because keeping her true feelings about him from you would absolutely be an option she has to avoid drama and conflict with you. Regardless, she will find out she can just get her own birth certificate with no problem without any cooperation from you.
OMG. Do not "teach your daughter a lesson" on this. You really think having an absentee father that she will never mend a relationship with because he died has not impacted her? You really think this wasn't a hardship that she had to deal with?
Further, you really think the world is fair and you should set your daughter back in life as part of some lesson? Give your daughter the certificate. Get her back in school. She is trying to fight to stay so help her! Don't use withholding education (a life trajectory changer) as a punishment.
YWBTA if you withhold the death certificate. Your daughter has taken ownership of her past choices and is attempting to change course. Who's to say there isn't any truth about her father's passing causing an impact? You said that she is intelligent and the drop in academic standing is surprising.
Grief comes in waves and she's a young adult figuring herself out. With an absentee father figure and no chance of ever getting any type of closure from him... I would give your daughter more grace and support her as she tries to remediate the situation she got herself in.
Um...Refusing to do a simple, easy for you, thing, that would help your daughter avoid what can be life-long negative consequences of a out-of-character (by your own admission) mistake… to make a moral point. Would make you a AH and also a bad parent.
You had/have all of their childhood and adolescence and the rest of their adult life to instill even more of your values to them, you don’t have to potentially ruin their life to show-case your moral superiority.
Soft YTA If he wasn't there for her when he was alive, at least let him be useful to her in death. The appeal might fail anyway but at least tgis gives her a chance at taking her education more seriously and putting the work in.
Frankly I think she should tell the truth. That she has no support outside of college and struggled to take it seriously. That she doesn’t have any good role models or adults who cared enough or paid enough attention to her to guide her through her first year of college or who noticed when she was slipping and needing a reality check.