'AITA because I didn’t invite my father to my wedding because years ago he told me I was no longer part of his family?' + UPDATE
"AITA because I didn’t invite my father to my wedding because years ago he told me I was no longer part of his family?"
SwordCat_
I'm 28F and will be getting married next month. I didn’t invite my father to the wedding, but now he's trying to get in touch. I think I need to explain the context, because it all started when I was 6 years old, when my parents got divorced after my dad cheated on my mom with my stepmother.
After that, I spent most of my time with my mom, but during holidays and vacations, I stayed with my dad. When I was 8, my half-brother Jake (20M) was born, and whenever I was with my dad, I was forced to take care of him.
When I started high school, I had to move in with my dad because my mom had to move abroad for work. This period was one of the hardest of my life. My stepmother wasn’t a bad person; she tried to include me in things, but she was very submissive to my father.
As for my dad, he always treated me like an "extra" in the house, someone who didn’t really belong there. I was constantly responsible for taking care of Jake, and whenever he went out, he would only take my stepmother and Jake, never inviting me.
One of the most painful experiences happened when I was 14. My dad announced that the whole family was going to Disney for vacation, but the day before the trip, he told me that he wanted it to be a “family moment,” their first big trip with Jake.
So, I was left home alone. This had already become a pattern—trips to the beach, zoos, or other outings always included just my stepmother and Jake while I was left behind.
My dad didn’t like me going out with friends or inviting them over. He said, “teenagers together only cause trouble,” and because he was controlling, he would call the house phone at random times to check if I was home. He also had a trusted neighbor who would keep an eye on me to make sure I didn’t have any visitors.
When I turned 16, living with him, the feeling of being an "extra" only got worse. Everything I had experienced during vacations—the exclusion and sense of abandonment—became part of my daily life. Things came to a head when I turned 18.
My dad got a promotion at work and decided to take a "family" trip to Europe. Since it was my last year of high school, I was excited, thinking I’d finally be included. But then he told me he didn’t have enough money for a trip for four, so it would just be to celebrate Jake’s 10th birthday. I had to stay home.
That’s when I snapped. I told him he was being unfair and that he shouldn’t have given me false hope. I explained how I’d felt over the past years, and he called me ungrateful and spoiled, saying that I lived with him rent-free (which was a lie since my mom sent money to support me and I did all the housework because both he and my stepmother worked late).
The argument escalated, and he kicked me out of the house, saying I was no longer part of the family and not even his daughter. He literally threw me out and tossed my things onto the sidewalk.
Luckily, a friend lived nearby, and I stayed at her place that night. The next day, I went back to see if my dad had calmed down, but I found my things still on the sidewalk, and some even in the trash.
My stepmother had kindly saved a few items for me and handed them over. After that, my dad never reached out, except to call and yell at me a month later when my mom stopped sending him money for my expenses.
A few months later, I got into an engineering program in another state, where I met my now-fiancé, Mark (29M). He was a senior, and we soon connected, realizing we had a lot in common. We started dating, graduated, and now work in the same field, though at different companies.
A few months ago, Mark proposed, and I happily said yes. I have social media, but I rarely use it—I’ve had Instagram for about six years but haven’t even posted 10 pictures.
I think one of my relatives must have told my dad about the wedding because, about a month after I accepted the proposal, he reached out to me through Instagram, saying he was excited to help with the wedding.
I was surprised, both that he had messaged me and that he genuinely thought he would walk me down the aisle. I responded, saying he wouldn’t be walking me down the aisle because my stepfather would, and that the wedding would be small, just for my close family. After that, I blocked him.
After blocking him (and inspired by reading Reddit stories), I expected calls, messages, and even letters full of insults like “ungrateful” or “spoiled.” However, the only thing I received was a letter delivered by Jake (yes, we still have contact). In the letter, my father expressed how sorry he was.
I won’t copy the exact words, but to summarize: he said that after kicking me out, he lived a normal life with my stepmother and Jake. But when he saw pictures of my graduation with my mom and stepfather, he started feeling regret.
He wanted to talk to me, but his pride held him back. He only decided to reach out now because he realized that his pride got him nowhere and that he wanted to fulfill one of the plans he made when I was born: to pay for my wedding and walk me down the aisle.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I’ve moved on with my life, and his attempt at redemption after so many years feels a bit too convenient. AITA for not wanting to include my dad in my wedding despite his apology?
Note: My stepfather is an amazing person; he always goes out of his way to include me in everything, and my stepsisters are wonderful as well. When he found out that my father hadn’t taken me to Disney, he planned a trip for the next holiday and took me, along with my mother and sisters. This and a thousand other reasons why I want to walk down the aisle with him.
Edit 1: People are asking why my mom and stepfather left me with my dad and what their jobs are. My mom works as a programmer and managed to get a job abroad. She thought it was best to accept it, especially since she wanted to save up a good amount of money to cover college expenses and for the future. My stepfather is a researcher and was doing his postdoctoral work at the time.
The first person to talk to me was my older sister (stepsister). Two days after I was kicked out, she came to see me and even stayed for a few days (which I can barely remember because I was just crying).
But I didn't move in with her because she lives in another state, and I was almost done with classes and final exams. So, my friend (and bridesmaid) let me stay at her house. Her parents helped me gather my things and even set up the guest room for me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
phyrsis
NTA. He gets to live with the consequences of his own actions.
HereComesTheSun000
NTA he isn't remorseful he's jealous and has his nose out of joint that another man will be taking what he sees as center stage and his actual role of worst father will be exposed without you needing to say a single word to guests or on SM. Sod him, have a wonderful wedding and a happy marriage!
Jazzlike_Adeptness_1
But… but… how will he explain to his family why he’s not walking his daughter down the aisle? I’m 1000% sure he gave his family a very different scenario of why you left his house. Pfffft. F*** him.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
SwordCat_
I'm back with an update and using a different account because the original post was from my friend's account. I'm not active on social media and didn’t expect much attention. So I used my friend account, she encouraged me to post my own to get neutral opinions, and I received way more feedback than expected.
Now, regarding the comments. I want to thank everyone for helping me see things I hadn’t noticed before, especially in how my dad's letter was written. For those wondering, yes, he mostly talked about his feelings and how he felt.
Very little was said about me, and even less was about apologizing. He also mentioned how I’m his only daughter, while my stepfather has two daughters to walk down the aisle, but he only has me.
For those asking why I didn’t move abroad with my mom and stepfather: they were supposed to be away for 3 to 5 years, with my mom likely needing to change companies every year. My stepfather was also deep in his research, so their lives were pretty unstable.
At the time, I didn’t anticipate how much I’d suffer or that I’d be kicked out. I think the rare times I spent with my dad and the feeling of being left behind would fade whenever I was with my mom and stepfather.
This cycle became my routine, which is why I stayed with my sperm donor. And for those asking if my mom knew what was going on: I only told her about the Disney incident. I didn’t want to bring issues from one home into another.
Now for the update.
For some background on my mom: she returned two years after I started college, and my real dad came back a year after that. It was my sisters who attended my high school graduation.
My mom now lives two hours away, so I went to visit her to discuss what had happened and to get her and my stepfather's thoughts on the situation. My mom said it was something I had to decide on my own and that she wouldn’t interfere.
My stepfather told me he’d help pay for the wedding, regardless of what I chose to do (yes, he’s helping with some expenses). My sisters, on the other hand, share the same opinion as most of you: not to invite him and to send him a letter detailing everything I went through (my older sister—let’s call her Lisa—was the most against inviting him).
Lisa was the first person to check on me. Today, I learned that on the same day she came to see me at my friend’s house, she also stopped to talk to my dad. She hadn’t mentioned it before because, according to her, he only spouted nonsense, and sharing it at the time would’ve just made things worse for me.
That’s why she’s completely against me reconnecting with him. For those curious about what he said, she didn’t go into details but mentioned that it angered her so much she ended up shouting at him, calling him every name under the sun. She thinks this may be one of the reasons he didn’t reach out sooner—she think that added fuel to the fire.
We talked a lot, not just about my dad but about myself as well. I realized that even with the therapy I went through during college, there was something important I hadn’t done: I never truly opened up to my parents.
I always thought I had to face and overcome everything alone. All I did, though, was bottle everything up. Today, I was finally able to unpack it all and share my feelings. After a lot of tears, I hugged them both. And here’s what I’ve decided:
I will respond to his letter. Unfortunately for Mark and Lisa, it won’t be the harsh response they were hoping for. I’ll take some of your advice and express how I felt when he kicked me out. I’ll be polite but honest.
I’ll also let him know that my stepfather will walk me down the aisle because that’s what I want. I won’t offer further explanations to him; after all, this is my wedding with Mark, and it will be exactly how we want it, without the need for justifications.
I will not accept any money from him, nor will I send him an invitation. If my dad truly wants to reconcile, he can reach out to me through Jake. But only after the wedding (or honeymoon), and it will be on my terms.
As someone suggested, we’re going to hire security for the wedding, no matter how my dad reacts. For those wondering, yes, Jake has been invited. As I mentioned, we still have a good relationship, and he’s allowed to take photos.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
New_Target_1829
Well done. He doesn't deserve anything, but you can be a bit harsh in your letter. Even brutally honest. That's what he deserves.
CaptDeliciousPants
That jerk doesn’t deserve to be a part of OP’s life. He doesn’t care about her. He just wants to take credit for her successes.
DUDEI82QB4IP
Good luck with everything, I hope your wedding day goes beautifully. These kind of people always want to be invited for the big events because they think they deserve the recognition and do t want to be embarrassed by people asking about their absence, but truthfully, if this was about a genuine reconciliation, he’d do it on a regular day NOT start making demands to be included in your wedding day.