Dinner guest refuses to participate in autistic child's fork changing ritual. AITA?
When this dinner guest is grossed out by the family's dinner ritual, he asks the internet:
AITA for not following an autistic ritual resulting in property being damaged?"
I'll keep it short. Friend has an autistic son. I've met him before, lovely lad. He's six. I've never spent prolonged time with him, just short hour visits to my home or at the park. They invited me to dinner the other night and I went. Their son has a ritual he has to do at dinner where he takes a bite of his food, then exchanges his fork with someone else.
Their whole family follows this routine: he takes a bite, swaps fork with mom, takes a bit, swaps fork with dad, and so on, all around the table. They allege it's the only way he'll eat. Well, I refused. And it resulted in a huge tantrum which unfortunately resulted in thrown plates and other dinnerware.
Some of it is broken. I'm being blamed for not doing this--let's be honest--disgusting ritual. Even if it's the only way he'll eat, they should have warned me beforehand and I would have politely declined the invitation. Was I the a$$hole?
Let's find out.
agaur writes:
NTA- I'm a behavior health professional, and I work with kids of all ages on the spectrum. While it is true that not one case is the same as the next, this is most certainly not acceptable behavior for any child- with autism or not- and it shouldn't be reinforced.
The sooner that this child's parents start correcting this behavior, the easier it'll be for him to adjust to the changes and reduce the frequency of tantrums.
lawrag2 writes:
NTA because they definitely should have told you about this ahead of time. “Btw, you’ll have to swap silverware with our son after he’s used it, and likely after someone else in our family has also used it” is definitely something you tell someone ahead of time.
Also, what if YOU had some communicable disease? It’s in everyone’s best interest that this is discussed/handled ahead of time?
Watch a weird 10 minute performance, be introduced to an imaginary friend, compliment a sh*&ty drawing— these are the types of things one might have to graciously put up with at a dinner with friends’ kids. What you’ve described is something else.
emmwein writes:
NTA they absolutely have to find another solution or ritual. What’s going to happen when this kid attends any sort of school or social occasion? He’s already 6; I know kids share a lot of things, but they’re not going to want to share utensils like that on a regular basis (if ever).
Also, they can’t spring that on you and then call you the AH when you refuse to participate in their unhygienic “ritual”. It’s gross.
liveblrai writes:
My mom has been an educator specializing in special ed for over thirty years and at her last job she was a principal for the school with all of the special needs students in her district.
The only thing I heard more about from her than student inflicted injuries was what she called “weird food stuff” that parents would fail to inform the staff of and then claim can’t be fixed.
One kid lost his s&^t if the other kids ate their food in the wrong order. Another would try to grab handfuls of other kids’ food. Still another would try to shove half chewed food into other students’ mouths. The list goes on and on.
Literally every single one of these students were able to learn to work through and manage these inappropriate behaviors surrounding food with patience and guidance from the staff.
That doesn’t mean that every single kid will be able to do that, but it’s incredibly important to try. Food can have such a social aspect to it and they’re setting their son up to eat alone for the rest of his life.