'AITA for disappearing from my sister's wedding for 45 minutes. to go cry.' + UPDATE
"AITA for disappearing from my sister's wedding for 45 minutes. to go cry."
Recent_Gas4203
It's been 8 years so I feel safe in posting this. I love my sister and it's water under the bridge but we've never discussed and/or resolved this beef because that's not how that part of my family does things.
TLDR: my sister seated me, one of the bridesmaids, at a table full of strangers away from everyone I knew at her wedding reception. I left to cry, but came back to help her celebrate.
I (53F) am never married and it's taken me decades to heal my ish and make peace with it, but for years attending weddings as the always single was really upsetting and embarrassing.
Although I am confident in non-romantic situations outgoing and funny, I am overweight and have only had a handful of boyfriends in my life, so this issue was particularly painful and often made me cry out of humiliation and insecurity.
Eight years ago, my half-sister (28F at the time) married a British man and insisted on the wedding being in his hometown, even though they lived here in the United States.
He actually wanted the wedding to be in our home state because it's a popular place that people like to visit and his friends and family from England were excited to have a reason to come here. But she was insistent that the wedding be in England.
At the time our dad (72M) was dealing with significant dementia, had cancer, and a lot of mobility issues. One of our other sister's (30F)who I'll call Lauren, was many years into treatment for stage 4 breast cancer and had a 10-month-old baby.
The fourth sister gave birth 6 weeks early to a child who barely survived and was in the NICU until she was 7 months old, making it impossible for her to travel to England for the wedding.
So the fact that the bride insisted on England given all of this was particularly insensitive given the challenges our family faced in trying to travel for an international wedding.
For the wedding, Lauren was the MOH, I and a cousin were bridesmaids, and 3 of the bride's friends were also Bridesmaids. The bride and groom knew how I often felt extremely uncomfortable being alone at weddings and had been supportive of me in the past.
But it became apparent to us as we tried to plan our trip that they really didn't have any intention of spending any time with us in Europe. They had a big group of affluent hipster friends at the time that dominated their social life.
They planned to go early to England as did many of her friends, and they planned a honeymoon with that whole entire group, and HIS parents, in the south of Spain at an oceanside city for the week directly following the wedding.
My Dad was not much of a traveler. His idea of vacation was camping and we knew he would be very uncomfortable in Europe, especially given his dementia. My sister Lauren really wanted to join the group in Southern Spain so that we could see more of Europe without over-taxing her while she was in treatment and caring for a baby.
The Bride and Lauren had aways been extremely close, basically BFFs, and Lauren hoped to spend more time with the bride and groom after the wedding, and she very much wanted some time to relax on a sunny beach given the long illness she had been battling. But when we tried to make these plans the bride and groom were very evasive and it became clear to us that they did not want us there.
We don't know if perhaps we embarrassed them because we weren't affluent hipsters or what but it seems particularly rude given that we were forcing our ailing and aging father and our cancer stricken sister to travel across an ocean for a wedding. And if we were going to do all that we wanted to make a trip out of it and spend more than just the couple of days required for the wedding.
It was pulling teeth to try and get information from them about where we should fly into, how we should travel to the north of England and where we should stay. And although I had been to Paris many years before, I was the only one to have been to Europe before in our group.
As I said in many ways other than romantic, I am independent and confident. I very much wanted to see more of England so I chose to fly in a day early and do a day tour I was excited to do.
So I traveled alone to London, took the day trip, and then took the train north where the Groom's aunt kindly met me at the train station and our group stayed with her. She was a lovely hostess.
That evening we expected to have dinner with the bride and groom and after a lot of hassle we did end up having dinner with them but immediately after we were hustled away and they went out with their friends.
The next night we transferred to the venue where we were all staying and had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. It was more of the same with the bride, and especially the groom, really blowing us off.
The groom almost acted like we were invisible. When we got to the venue I was all excited and I gave him a big hug and he literally gave me the hug and shove and then turned back to his friends. Very little was done in the way of introductions between the United States contingent and his friends and family there.
Fast forward to the wedding and the reception. I've learned that weddings in England last a long time. After the wedding there was a cocktail hour while we took pictures and then the attendance couples were asked to make a splashy entrance. After we did that and the bride and groom were introduced I went searching for my seat.
It was then that I discovered I had been seated 3 rows of tables away from the bride and groom, the attendant tables and close family. I was seated at a table of total strangers. I didn't know these people and there was no effort made to introduce me.
In a state of utter shock and humiliation I did sit down and introduce myself to everyone and tried to make conversation but I was getting more and more upset. I felt completely humiliated.
I didn't understand why at the very least I couldn't have been seated with the groom's aunt who I at least knew from staying with her, or with a a couple of family friends who had made the trip.
So, rather than cry in front of everyone, I got up and excused myself and went and hit out in one of the parts of this inn where I knew no one would be. I could not stop crying and I am one of those people who looks absolutely horrendous after I cry. There is no hiding that I have been crying.
The bride finally noticed I was gone and sent Lauren to look for me. Lauren was very sympathetic and was trying to comfort me but I'm also one of those people that will cry harder if you ask me what's wrong.
So, I thanked her but told her to just go ahead and back and give me some time and I was going to try and fix my makeup and come back. Which I did. I don't know exactly how long I was gone but dinner was over and toasts were starting.
Lauren was the MOH so she gave a speech as did my dad and others made speeches for the groom. By this time I was calmed down enough that I was able to smile and applaud.
After her speech Lauren approached me to check in and said that when she told the bride and groom why I was upset they just rolled their eyes and said I was being ridiculous. I did my best for the rest of the night to participate in all of the wedding things and dance with them.
The bride never said a word about any of it, and the groom didn't speak to me once the entire evening. When we got back to the states there was a lot of resentment but as a group we did our best to work through it because we love each other.
A few years later, the groom made a snide comment to me about that situation, kind of as if he was mocking me for it, and I snapped back and told him that he hadn't even bothered to introduce me to the people he seated me with. He said he didn't think it was a big deal since I can quote talk to anybody. I asked if he really wanted to get into it and he said no. So we both dropped it.
We are all fine today and I love them all dearly, but I still have a pretty deep wound and writing this makes my eyes burn. So, am AITA for getting my feelings hurt at my sister's wedding and excusing myself to go cry?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
MojoJOJO15a
Weddings are supposed to be a joyous occasion. It's supposed to be when your families and friends get together to celebrate the joining of two people. The fact that you were disregarded is appalling. Especially being the bride's sister. NTA.
Select-Government680
NTA. However I will say that you should've confronted them. Your BIL made that snide comment because they think you were being a drama queen and seriously didn't care how hurt you were.
Your sister made a choice, her new husbands family was more important than her own. While I don't think you're the ahole I do think you need to grow that backbone. I wouldn't let a friend let alone my sister treat me that way. And you continued the relationship without any confrontation or setting boundaries. They didn't just disrespect you by the way but your father and your sisters.
The OP then returned with more information.
Recent_Gas4203
Thanks. I'll have to think about this feedback. Our dad passed in 2017, and "Lauren" passed in 2019. Fortunately my 4th sisters special needs daughter has lived despite the odds but at 8 years old, she is still very medically fragile.
Then we lost my aunt and grandma. I think that this contributed to my desire to let it go. I snapped back harsh and quick when he made that comment so I did make it clear that I thought it was crappy.
The bride is a lovely person and I think she just had the bridal crazies. And the groom and I actually get along quite well. I wanted to give them grace but also worried I was being unreasonable because I know I was insecure about being alone.
Additionally, the three of them are my half-sisters. My stepmom came into my life when I was 5 years old and the first of my sisters was born when I was 11. My stepmom has been unkind to me many times over the years and my dad allowed it.
This contributed to my feeling alone in situations like these, but I desperately wanted more family. I am an only child of my two parents and have very little family otherwise.
My mom is a very feisty person and will confront anyone over anything. My dad and stepmom are the exact opposite. I am somewhere in the middle. This is resulted in my stepmom especially and sometimes my sisters thinking that I am too aggressive or overly confrontational. So I always try to be very careful to be fair and balanced.
There were times that I very much asserted my boundaries. For example, in my teens and twenties my dad had a timeshare in a houseboat on Lake powell. We would typically take one or two weeks of vacation there when I was teenager.
When I got into my twenties my stepmom began to exclude me from more things always making excuses for why. So I found out through an offhand comment that they were taking a week-long trip to Lake Powell and when I asked about it was told that there was no room on the boat for me.
The night before they were to leave, my dad called me and said that my youngest sister, the bride in the story above, had invited a friend but the friend had called that night to say it turned out she couldn't go.
She was in grade school at the time. So he asked if I wanted to go. He told me I would need to be ready and at their house at 6:30 a.m. the following morning if I did.
I was incredibly hurt and angry and told him that I would very much have liked to have gone but that I had a job that would require that I give notice and I couldn't just go no show for a week. I called my mom in tears and as usual she wanted to call them up and start a fight but that never helped so I said no. I didn't speak to them for a month after that.
Fast forward to my 30s and I have started my own business. I started it on credit and Sweat Equity and asked them if I could move into their basement for 6 months so that I could rent my place and give myself a leg up and trying to get my business established by not having to pay my mortgage for the first 6 months.
I had a cat who was very good about using her litter box. They told me that it sounded like I was being irresponsible but that if I really wanted to I could move in with them, but I couldn't bring my cat who had had for many years. Meanwhile they have a dog and an outdoor cat.
At the end of this very stressful conversation my stepmom says to me, you should also know that because the oldest of HER three daughters (my 3 half-sisters) was graduating from high school they had decided to take a family trip to Mexico and I was not invited.
I was stunned. I left and again called my mom crying. When I got home I called them and said thank you very much for agreeing to let me move in with you but I am going to figure something out. And then I refused to speak or interact with them in any way for 6 months.
In all of these situations the family acted like I was a ridiculous drama queen, as you definitely noticed, and so that added to my feelings of being alone and excluded.
My entire life since I was 5 years old I've had to try and strike a balance between trying to be part of a family I desperately wanted, and standing up for myself when they were jerks about it. It's been very challenging. But once you start losing your loved ones these things seem a little less important.
Comments then continued:
Longjumping-Pick-706
Have you ever considered therapy OP? You have a lot of trauma that has built up ever since you were only a little girl. What your step-mom has done to you your whole childhood is emotionally abusive and your father emotionally neglected you in allowing her to do so. That stays with a child into adulthood and will affect their entire lives if not treated, as you clearly see.
pq62
NTA at all. I am sorry that sister and her husband were and are apparently incapable of seeing your sensitive, loving heart. Their loss.
CheezeLoueez08
NTA. You’re way nicer than I am. This would mean an end to the relationship for me. They are so cruel. Please take care of yourself apart from them.