'AITA for expressing my disappointed in my husband’s conduct after our first baby?'
"AITA for expressing my disappointed in my husband’s conduct after our first baby?"
My husband has always been someone everyone around us admires and respects because of his maturity and just the overall way he carries himself. We have been together 4 years.
I also have had such a high regard and deep appreciation and respect for my husband because of how wonderful marriage to him had been but I feel like becoming parents has revealed him to be embarrassingly immature and I am deeply heartbroken.
I want to confirm if I am being a nag or have reason to be hurt but he has just disappointed me in his unwillingness to actually sacrifice his old life since the baby arrived.
I had a c-section and our baby was in NICU. Literally 3 days after our baby was discharged, after going home to get us some things, he returned dressed in his football kit and told me he was going to a football match.
I didn’t make a fuss but I was deeply hurt seeing him in his kit, knowing I can barely even stand up to go to the toilet and our baby has only just left NICU. Why is football on his mind? He usually plays a couple times a week for fitness but that was never an issue when we were childless.
Since then, he’s been staying behind after work which he never used to do before. He used to leave ASAP and rush to come home to be with me. Now it’s like he finds every reason to not be around and I feel it’s to avoid having to look after his newborn. He still goes for his football matches, stays later even after it’s finished. Goes ‘shopping’ for us but will take a LONG time to do it.
It isn’t infidelity because I have his passwords to everything. Phones, bank accounts, emails. I have his location both from his phone, watch and car. This behaviour just started as soon as I gave birth. He just doesn’t want to be home because then I want/expect help.
This isn’t the man I married. I thought our marriage was perfect beforehand. He just doesn’t seem to want the responsibility of children, just wants to kiss them, carry them for 30 seconds and give them back to me.
I sent a really long text (as he is currently at a football game with friends at a match that ended 2 hours ago), sharing my deep disappointment and I feel awful. In our 4 years, I have never had to “vent” or send a message to complain like this ever.
I have always been happy and grateful about how wonderful of a husband he has been. I feel so confused that it took a baby he wanted, for him to just become a stranger. He just doesn’t want to look after the baby and tries his hardest to be busy anywhere else to avoid doing so. AITA for complaining?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Unfortunately, it’s an all too common thing. Men want babies until they realize that they have to take care of them too. Until they realize it is not all fun and rainbows there is screaming and poop and peeing and vomiting, and no sleep, dirty clothes etc.
Or they’re just showing that they believe it’s all the women’s responsibility and they only want them for five seconds to take a picture to look like the greatest dad in the world for Facebook.
NTA for the disappointment, my only criticism is that you should’ve said it to his face in front of his mother or family member that would tell him to knock some sense into him and tell him to help his baby.
my co-worker faked working late to avoid sharing the bedtime/bathtime responsibilities of 2 toddlers. He actually admitted so to his fellow women co-workers who looked at him like he was a POS.
at clock out time, he'd get himself psyched up for the "the call". "I have to work late". Then he'd get his snacks, drinks, and prepped for an evening of surfing the web. He'd also come in on Saturdays for these fake work hours.
NTA. You both need help, and you need it now. Are you on good terms with your father? Is his father a good parent? If so, call in the dads. He needs a reality check about being a parent and he needs it TODAY.
He also needs people he can role model on to be a father, aka your father and his father. If he has brothers or cousins or living grandfathers who are good fathers, get them to help you too.
Basically, you want the men he respects and wants to be respected by to give him the social correction he obviously needs. Otherwise, it’s time to start the “this is your child” refrain.
Hand him the kid as soon as he walks in the door and go take a shower. Hand him the kid and a bottle and go outside for a 20-minute walk. (If he gets to exercise outside the home, you get to exercise outside the home.) Get your dad.
I think you know the answer. Marriage counseling maybe? Or, if he gets a night out - you get one too. Leave the baby with him and go see a friend, just for half an hour.
NO! He needs to grow up and accept his part of the responsibility for His child! Seems to me he is trying to live the way he used to but now he needs to be the father he should be! Best of luck! I’ll keep you in my prayers!
Throwaway199906543 (OP)
Thank you so much. Please do. Exactly that. Nothing about his life has really changed since the baby. It’s mine that has gone completely upside down.
Its the fact that he presumably just witnessed your guts outside of you body in order to deliver his child and he can still stand to be away from you like thats INSANE work.