'AITA for disapproving of my in-laws asking to borrow money when we just had a baby?'
"AITA for disapproving of my in-laws asking to borrow money when we just had a baby?"
I would be very grateful for any feedback regarding the following scenario. When I met my husband he had no money, only small debt. At the time he was trying to build a small business. One night he messaged me and suggested that we move to a popular coastal town, get married and have babies. I was very happy about this. I owned a property and had savings.
I sold my property, we purchased a home together at the coastal town and discovered that I was pregnant. I was very happy about the pregnancy due to losing my mother in recent months. We stayed in the city until after our first child arrived and saved for my maternity leave and I paid off his small debt.
My husband did not have enough money to purchase an engagement ring and therefore we delayed engagement and marriage. Soon after moving to the house and having the baby, my father in law asked to borrow some money due their car breaking down and needing a new motor. My in-laws had lent their modest life savings to my husband’s sister and her husband to buy a business.
I felt uncomfortable about being asked by my husband parents to lend money when we had just had a baby, moved to a new town and were trying to manage on my husband's modest wage.
My husband was angry that I resisted the request and has held a grudge against me for the past 17 years. I tried to explain that I overwhelmed by the added responsibility of supporting his parents.
I had lost my main support, my mother and I had been generous with my money. I felt it was inappropriate and believed that it was a problem for his sister and her husband. Grateful to learn how others see this situation.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
readergirl35 wrote:
He's held a grudge for 17 years because you said no to giving his parents money after paying off all his debts and buying him half of a house?! And you feel conflicted over whether you were the bad guy?
OP, he and his family saw you coming a mile away. If he ever mentions this again I'd tell him his behavior is disgusting and disrespectful and that if you have to hear one more word about it after supporting his a$$ for over 17 years, you will leave with serious speed.
If he doesn't mention it but sulks and drags around, acting like an AH to you, have a come to Jesus talk. He can cut that out or you will leave. No matter what go see a lawyer and start getting ready. YTA to yourself for putting up with his behavior for 17 years.
minicooperlove wrote:
So he was in debt with a failing business when he proposed to you over… (checks notes)… text message? And then as soon as you had given up your job, home, and friends in the city (ie isolated with him) and were forever tied to him with a baby, his family ask you for money?
Honey, there were huge red flags from the beginning here. NTA because that would be victim blaming but I’m sorry to tell you that your husband only married you to get himself and his family out of debt. That’s why he’s held it against you for 17 years when you refused.
Ordinary-Audience363 wrote:
Why has your husband held a grudge for an entire 17 years? That sounds insane.What does he say to you? Does he bring it up regularly?
You contributed your own property to the marriage and helped him out of debt. He should be grateful. Perhaps he felt ashamed that he couldn't help his parents and he is blaming you. You did the right thing. Also, if you have been apologizing, stop doing that because he will just continue giving you trouble. NTA.
Raccoonrenaissance wrote:
What did I just read? Your story is so disjointed. You are asking about something that happened 17 years ago? You were broke, so you moved to a coastal town? By selling a property? That means you’re not broke. You had a baby, and THEN saved for maternity leave? And how were you supporting his parents? And how was it a problem for his sister and husband? I just can’t make any sense of your story.
original_pen3443 wrote:
What on earth were you thinking hooking up with this bum and his ungrateful family of bums? He sent you a text suggesting you move to another town, get married and have children when he was in debt, have no income or real job and you fell for it? He met you and told his family about you. They saw you coming a mile away.
Then he’s had the audacity to be upset with you for 17 years? What were you thinking? I think you got caught while you were grieving and used and you allowed it. I hope you are thinking clearly now and that’s why you asked for help. You need to get marital therapy, or a new husband who is not selfish. NTA.
organizedchaos17 wrote:
It’s been 17 years. Probably not worth dwelling on at this point. But sounds like you were something of a cash cow to this family - hubs included.
chaserscarlet wrote:
What money was your husband supposed to lend? He was in debt, and couldn’t even afford the lifestyle you wanted - how the hell was he supposed to fund his parents?
NTA but if he hasn’t let it go after 17 years he needs a reality check.
OP responded:
Thank you.
nutmegger23 wrote:
NTA - your priority was your immediate family and not putting yourselves into financial danger. I do have a couple questions. What type of relationship did your husband have with his parents before they needed money?
Were they an active part of his life or did they just show up when they needed something? I'm guessing the second. If they gave the sister money, they should've asked her for help. Hubs needs to get over it.