'AITA for never disclosing to my son-in-law how much I planned to give my grandchildren?'
"AITA for never disclosing to my grandchildren's father how much I planned to give my grandchildren toward their futures?"
My daughter passed when my two grandchildren were young. My son in-law remarried and created a blended family of his/hers/theirs. My husband and I knew our daughter had left some money in a trust for our grandchildren's future.
But she was young when she passed and didn't have a lot to leave them. So we decided to make sure they would receive a very comfortable amount from us once they reached 18. This was to help with college, or pay for a house, or to allow them the ability to train for their dream careers. We never told our son in-law.
This was done so we would not be asked to split the money between all the children and so our grandchildren would not be prioritized less by their father or his wife. This money was not supposed to act as child support or money for the household. It's for my grandchildren. Our oldest grandchild graduated two years ago and we gave her access to the money and she never told her dad.
Our youngest grandchild graduated this year and was quick to set up a high interest savings account and he made the choice to skip college to pursue a different path toward his career. This led to a conversation where my son in-law learned about the savings. My son in-law's wife was furious with my husband and myself for not disclosing the money to them years before.
My son in-law was hurt we chose to do this instead of giving something to all the children. He said us not telling him added to his hurt because he had hoped we would want all the children to have the same start in their adult lives. He felt like we should have told him so he and his wife could plan accordingly.
My youngest grandchild moved in with us after the trouble started and both my grandchildren have discussed the issue with their dad several times. But he still insists my husband and I should have told him.
AITAH?
Here's what people had to say about OP:
hengehanger wrote:
NTA. And good foresight, your predictions were very accurate. The idea that you should or would be remotely interested in financially supporting people you have zero connection to is ludicrous, your ex son in law is delusional to think otherwise.
OP responded:
I agree. We are kind to the other children but they are not our grandchildren and when it comes to savings and wills, our grandchildren will always be the people we consider, not the other children, or my son in-law and his wife.
Capable-Contact6868 wrote:
You were right to do what you did. He did expect you to give to not your grandchildren, who you owe nothing to cause they aren't your fucking family. If he keeps having a tantrum about it he's going to lose your grandchildren. NTA.
OP responded:
I fear that has already begun. They're not happy with the reaction their dad had to all of this.
Teresajs wrote:
NTA. This is a gift you chose to give to your biological grandchildren. You don't owe it to your SIL or his wife to give them access to your money, nor to help support any other children they have. Your money is not their money. They can do whatever they want with their money.
Talk to both grandkids. Let them both know that this money is for them and should be er be given nor shared with their father or his wife. If the grandkids are beneficiaries in your will, you might look into whether a Trust may be a good option for the future. They can be cosy to set up and administer so are mostly used for larger estates, but can shield assets from others.
OP responded:
We have already talked to our grandkids and explained what the money is for. It's theirs now and they are free to spend it as they wish. They are making good choices so far and we're very proud.
Crafty_Special_7052 wrote:
NTA whatever additional children your son in law had with his current wife are not your responsibility. They are not related to you. Of course you would want to take care of your grandchildren who are related to you. It’s a good thing you didn’t mention anything to him. Him and his wife probably would have tried to pressure your grandkids to share the money with their other siblings.
OP responded:
That was one of our concerns if we told him. We had a few. It seems we were right to have them too which is unfortunate but not entirely unexpected.
SuccessfulVoice8542 wrote:
I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Son IL and his wife have been collecting thousands of dollars a month in Social Security survivor benefits. Have they only spent it on your two grandchildren or did it go into the family budget for the benefit of her children too?
His wife’s children have two sets of grandparents who can take care of their own grandchildren financially. Will his wife’s parents give your grandchildren any money? I highly doubt it. His wife just wants anything her husband’s parents and her parents have to go to her children, as well as wanting what you have to partially go to HER children as well.
Pretty unfair that her kids should receive from three sets of grandparents while his first two children should only receive from two sets, all while denying your grandchildren something from their dead mother. She sounds pretty greedy to me.
And it sounds like your Son IL doesn’t have the balls to stick up for his first two children. I’m glad they have you to help them and remind them of the mother they lost who only wanted the best for her kids.
Vdavwil wrote:
NTA.
It's plain to see that your original plan was wise. You'd have been having to deal with this endless, rude, entitlement the entire time.