'AITA for how I dismantled my boyfriend’s bizarre marriage proposal?'
"AITA for how I dismantled my boyfriend’s bizarre marriage proposal?"
While I stand by my decision, I’m starting to wonder if I was too cold in how I handled things He’s sweet, consistent and takes pride in being traditional and a provider.. he would take care of all of my needs when I was with him.
He always said he saw me as his future wife. He would make me breakfast and dinner and I could see myself falling for him. In his last relationship he was engage in less than a year but he ended things when they didn’t align on having kids.
Since the start we have been discussing a trip to Turkey to meet his family. He suggested the idea. This would always be a fun topic for us. 2 days ago he suggested July, I was excited until i realized he expected me to cover $3,600 for my end which shocked me.
I didn’t expect an all-expenses-paid trip, but I thought he’d AT LEAST offer to help instead for some of the cost - he just told me to save up. What happened next was was the deal breaker for me While discussing saving he asked out of nowhere, “would you like to marry me before our trip to Turkey?”
His reasoning? He thought it would be nice to surprise his family as a married couple. Not because of a deep emotional connection. Just because I was good to him and it made sense.
I immediately shut it down. I told him, “Babe I could say 100 things right now, but my answer is no.” I told him it was weird to ask this and that it felt transactional. I took him off the high horse he was on in the relationship and was brutal.
These were some of the major points I made to him (without much emotion): • We had only been dating for 3 months, and we’d already been fighting. • He asked this over TEXT. No romance, no sincerity, just a business-like proposal •
He expected me to pay $3,600+ for the trip • He hadn’t told me he loved me yet • He didn’t even know if I’d fit in with his family, but somehow, a rushed marriage made sense to him? I told him straight up, “Marriage is supposed to be for love not a rushed, transactional deal.” And broke up instantly as “there is no coming back from this”.
He tried to backpedal but I wasn’t buying it. Just to add - he’s on a work visa in my country. I flat out said the relationship must be for status in my country and how he needed to work on his status before I even ENTERTAINED that idea.
He fumbled hard. He admitted it was a “stupid question” and said he “didn’t even think about it” in terms of status. He made it seem like I was misinterpreting things, saying he was just trying to understand what I’d think, it wasn’t an official proposal, and he already sees me as his person.. But I wasn’t interested in playing along.
I ignored his attempts to salvage his dignity, ego and save face and just coldly ended the conversation saying “text me when my clothes are in the lobby”. I know I was brutal. He’s always been insecure during the relationship because of the attention I get. I don’t regret breaking up, but now I’m wondering—was I too cold for someone who was sweet to me? Should I apologize?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I'm thinking NTA. As some people have pointed out, that itself wasn't a proposal, he was just asking if he should propose to before your trip. His reasoning to get married was weird too.
"It would be a nice surprise to his family." You haven't even been together for half a year, haven't said I love you and he thinks it's a good idea to get married because it would be a nice surprise? Yeah, no.
Nta. You are wise beyond your years. You called it accurately across the board. Just because he was nice at times doesn’t mean what you said needed to be sugar coated. At all. There were so many red flags girl count yourself lucky not to have wasted more of your time and energy. His expectations are wildly incompatible with yours.
After 3 months and not having met this man's family, why would you consider getting married?? I don't have a verdict and it doesn't really matter who is or isn't an AH. The two of you are already having issues and fights.
NTA for your reaction to the proposal, but YMBTA for the "needed to work on his status" comment. What does that mean?
I agree with you with most of the points, but I just cannot understand WHY do you expect him to cover your holiday expenses???? As you said yourself you were dating only for 3 months, you were not even ready to commit yet you expect him to fully finance your holiday?? If you cannot afford it you just say so: I'm sorry, I cannot accompany you as I am unable to pay so much. End of discussion.
Is he Turkish and you are a westerner? If that's the case, NAH. I currently live in a Muslim country and have visited Turkey. While love marriages are definitely a thing, there are still plenty of arranged marriages and his thought process (while unromantic) is still alive and well. I know of people that have met twice and gotten married. The only thing that I think is a slight YTA thing is the ego and limited perspective you show here, but whatever.
NTA - If your automatic and without hesitation, truthful and 'brutal' response was to be honest and break up with him then let it stay. 'But I wasn't interested in playing along'. Oh boy, does that make sense, too many of us do this.
Being brutally honest is ok. It's who you are and sounds like you did both of you a favor by not sugar coating it. Another point - I'm so tired of texting being an acceptable way of communicating important conversations!