'AITA for 'disrespecting' my ex and his GF's parenting by getting their kid an Easter basket?' UPDATED

"AITA for not respecting my ex's GF's 'right' to do holidays with HER kid?"

I (31F) divorced my ex husband (33M) when I was 19. He is currently dating my former coworker and roommate (28F). I set them up at a time when my ex husband was a great father, employed, and generally a great friend to me - we just weren’t capable of healing the marriage when we split.

She was (at the time) a struggling single mom, who lived with me rent free. I got her a cell phone and paid for her kid to attend my children’s daycare, and drove her to/from work even after she got a job not working with me.

Fast forward like 5 years, they’re still together but instead of growing up to meet him - she’s convinced him responsibility is for schmucks. She lost custody of that first kid who I tried to help with, and her and my ex now have a 5 year old.

It’s Easter week and I find out their daughter is coming to stay with the kids’ grandparents for the holiday. My kids (10 and 12 years old) want to spend the holiday with their sister. Grandparents own a home ten minutes from mine, so I of course agree!

I get to work with grandma planning delivery of the Easter Baskets and egg hiding to ensure my kids get their “visit from the Easter bunny”. This involves me going over at 1am to sneak in past their dogs.

The FRIDAY before, I have an epiphany and my stomach drops. Grandma hasn’t mentioned the plan for the little one. I call and she confirms, littlest has no basket coming because grandma isn’t going to cover for my ex not caring.

Absolutely not.

I agree he needs to learn his lesson but this preschooler doesn’t need to learn it for him. So I leave my house, I call my kids and ask them what littlest likes and spend $100ish dollars last minute to make sure she has the equivalent basket, down to the crocs. I’m FINE with this, because it’s my choice and little deserves magic in her life. I have a bigger household income, like it’s not a huge deal. I never plan to bring it up.

Then I find out that it was not financially motivated that little didn’t have one. Instead it was that her parents (my ex/his girlfriend) went out on Easter eve and spent their funds.

Now I’m mad.

And THEN the girlfriend tells my ex, who in turn calls me, that she’s mad I “stole the holiday” from her and I should have let her do it later when she “could” buy the basket.

From that point forward; I stopped caring. I buy little Christmas gifts beyond what her parents can afford, I include her by making sure she gets invited to my kids birthdays and gets special party favors.

I buy “hand me downs” and send them with my daughter or ‘hide’ them in my ex-in laws’ house so she has clothes. And right now; I’m again shopping for Easter for this kiddo. Ex’s girlfriend borderline hates me for this; but I’m not convinced I’m in the wrong.

So what do you think? AITA for completely ignoring her “right” to holidays as she puts it?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Fabulous_Recording15 said:

HOLY MOLY tell her that her little girl has a RIGHT to be included in holiday magic. It’s not your fault and it’s certainly not that kiddos fault her mom is a lazy parent. Also, I feel like she’s only complaining because you’re making her look bad. There’s a good chance that if you weren’t doing this for her, her mother still wouldn’t. She wouldn't “do it when she could”, she’d continue to spend the money on herself and ignore that baby.

Guilty-Web7334 said:

Eff that noise. From her, I mean. My husband cheated. There was a baby. Long story short (skipping tears, separation, and both couples & individual counseling), that baby is my stepson in school. He’s provided for the same way our kids are.

And since we have more resources, I also buy gifts for her other kids. Why? Because children should not be excluded, nor should they have to suffer because adults can’t be adults. Good on you for not excluding a kid because her parents are trash.

OP responded:

Yeah, I often say “backwards step kid” because I have a relationship via divorce.

metalchicktokes said:

Wait a minute.....Easter Bunny isn't real?? Well, at least Santa is real. Right? Right???

OP responded:

Yeah for sure. My fiance worked at the jet propulsion lab in SoCal and definitely helped fix the sleigh one time. 😉

chimera4n said:

"littlest has no basket coming because grandma isn’t going to cover for my ex not caring." I'm sorry, but isn't that what grandma's are supposed to do?

The mom and dad and grandma are aholes, but you are most definitely NTA. And when your turn comes, you'll be a wonderful grandma, just like you're a wonderful mom and human being.

OP responded:

Grandma had been covering for ex-husband for the 4 years prior. It sucks for little, but I understand her stance. She’s very involved with all three grandkids.

A-R-C93 said:

NTA. Wow, she should be thankful you are thoughtful and caring enough to do that for her kid, like seriously, but I wonder what would have been the reaction if you had not done it. It's like dammned if you do and dammed if you don't

OP responded:

I really wasn’t even thinking about her. I didn’t want the bunny ruined for little, but my own kids only have so much belief left in them! I wasn’t willing to give up their last bit of childhood OR give them a bunny favoritism complex to let my ex learn a lesson 😂

She later shared this update/edit with more info.:

1.) GF does not live with me now, and did not at the time of conceiving the second kid. I actually did push her to move out of my home after she abandoned her first child (whom I was financially assisting with) while I was at work; because it was “too hard”.

2.) Grandma had been covering EVERYTHING for littlest (including part of ex and girlfriends rent) for YEARS prior to this. She still buys food and essentials for that household despite them receiving assistance. Grandma is very involved with all three kids; and does regularly bring up the fourth child much to girlfriends chagrin.

3.) I have a fiancé, who not only whole heartedly claims and supports my kids; but is willing to take on littlest. He was the one who encouraged me to get an Easter Basket early this year as opposed to rushing around like last year. Ex-husband does not like fiancé because “he’s condescending” in his actions. This is the go-to opposition from Ex-husband about anything that highlights his character.

4.) CPS has been involved twice. One of these times we were contacted pending placement as kinship - and cleared to receive littlest. The worker decided on a safety plan in place after this process. We have already agreed that taking littlest in would be the right thing to do despite neither of us wanting a third child.

5.) It’s not just gift giving on my end;

6.) a) I do actually have a trust set up to inherit a portion of a life insurance policy for littlest in the event my ex husband passes. I have had this policy since we got married, and in my state there is no conflict of interest preventing me from having it.

I pay all premiums and am the primary beneficiary on behalf of my children. There is a fiduciary in place for littlests trust; and it is set up so neither me or her mom have access. ONLY littlest through the fiduciary and if certain conditions are met, or after she turns 25.

6b. We will be setting up a college fund also to be held by that fiduciary on littlest's 7th birthday. This is when we started funds for my older two. I will have “ownership” of this account to prevent any complications for state benefits if she is receiving them, but fiduciary will manage the funds, receive dividends and potentially invest in low risk assets (like CDs) so her money can grow. This is hands off for me.

There is no expectation that she would live with us to have access to these resources. Her parents are unaware of them as of now; littlest will likely become aware of them at some point. We want littlest to be able to follow her older siblings to good schools, and to have a shot at purchasing a home some day. We are privileged ENOUGH to do this, but not rich. We just stopped going to festivals. 😂🥴

7. We are strongly considering adding a 4th bedroom onto our home. This would allow us to have a guest room, but also provide littlest her own space in the event of placement. We have plans and a GC, just haven’t committed to submitting for permits yet. A final decision is likely by summer. If littlest was placed earlier; the girls (littlest and my daughter) would share a room in the interim.