'AITA for ditching my honeymoon because my husband and his BF were excluding me and my GF?'

"AITA for leaving our honeymoon because my husband and his boyfriend kept leaving me and my girlfriend out?"

I (29F) recently married my husband (30M). We’re part of a polycule. My husband and I have been together for seven years, and he’s been with his boyfriend (33M) for the last three. My girlfriend (27F) and I have been together for two years. She and my husband are very close, moreso a platonic bond though , and she and his boyfriend are casually friendly, not particularly close.

Now here’s the part that matters: my husband and his boyfriend go way back. They’ve been best friends since childhood, grew up together, had what you might call an “almost” relationship in their early twenties.

It didn’t work out back then, life's timing and different goals but they remained close, and when they reconnected later (after my husband and I had already been together a while), it evolved into a romantic relationship again. I’ve always respected that bond and accepted that their connection predates mine with my husband.

So when we got married, we thought a group honeymoon made sense, a three-week trip with all four of us. Not as a honeymoon with some tagalongs or anything like that, but as a way to celebrate our whole web of love. We rented a villa with four rooms, planned a mix of group activities, alone time, and free days, and talked beforehand about how this wasn’t just our moment, but one to honor our broader connection.

But almost right away, it became clear that my husband and his boyfriend saw this trip differently. They were out the door most mornings without a word, going off for hours wine tastings, kayaking, long walks through town without checking in or inviting us.

Once they even went to a cooking class all four of us had expressed interest in, and only told us about it after. Their explanation was that they didn't want to miss the registration window and that we should've been awake if we wanted to do it with them.

After a while, it stopped feeling like miscommunication and started feeling like quiet prioritization like they were defaulting to each other and everything else was optional.

My girlfriend and I are obviously very close, so we made the best of it we did our own excursions, wandered the markets, went out to eat dinner at fancy restaurants, but it started feeling less like a shared celebration and more like we’d gotten a pity invite to their vacation. It also just didn't feel good doing that on our own, when we were supposed to be sharing this experience.

And then the jokes started. His boyfriend laughing, but not really called it “our first real honeymoon,” and my husband responded, “We’ve waited long enough, haven’t we?” That hit harder than I expected. Not because I’m jealous of their connection, but because I suddenly realized this trip was not about what we’d said it would be.

When I brought it up gently, my husband waved it off, said I was overanalyzing everything and that we've all got our own routines When I pushed a little more, he said, “You and [girlfriend] have been vibing nonstop. Can’t we do the same?” Which felt like a deflection more than a genuine reply.

The most frustrating part? They weren’t being cruel, just incredibly self-involved. They weren’t making digs or having dramatic fights with us,. They were just repeatedly acting as though their bond was the emotional center of the trip, and the rest of us could orbit around that as needed.

After ten days of this, my girlfriend and I decided we’d had enough. We left a note, kind, not accusatory, saying we loved them, but this wasn’t the experience we’d all agreed on. We got a different flight and flew home.

Since then, my husband has been cold and furious. He said I came outta nowhere with this and, bailed instead of talking it out, and left him to clean up the mess. His boyfriend sent me a message calling my decision immature and controlling and said I turned a meaningful trip into a power play.

Neither of them has asked how we felt or acknowledged the months of planning that went into the version of the trip we were told we were all having. My best friend thinks I still should've stayed, not just because she thinks it's better to just make everyone talk, but I wasted money going home way earlier than I was supposed to with my girlfriend. So AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Ardie_BlackWood said:

NTA for leaving the trip. However... Your husband sees his boyfriend as his primary. It's that simple, really. That was their honeymoon. The only reason they got mad was because you and your gf didn't play the game they wanted you to.

You probably have let things slide that shouldn't have which led to them doing this. The boyfriend's comment was not a joke or a mistake, that's how they both really feel. Save yourself the pain and tell your husband boundaries need to be put in place or divorce him.

EDIT: also I'm confused why any of you got married? I know in polycules it happens but to me I see no reason why you did unless for financial reasons. It just complicates things especially if the primary partner switches.

Prudii_Skirata said:

Why get officially married when you are very, very clearly not the priority relationship and more just the PR poster child partner?

Upset_Custard7652 said:

Regardless of this being a poly relationship. I never a fan of when someone is trying to express how they are feeling to their partner and the partner blows them off. Hubby needs to do better.

HamstahElderberries said:

I’m not judging you for being poly, but I am saying that your polycule isn’t working. Your marriage isn’t working. You may be with him for seven years, but it feels like his preference is to be with his boyfriend, not his wife. Your husband is actively invalidating your feelings in order to preserve things exactly the way they are with his boyfriend. That is the relationship he is prioritizing.

That’s the relationship he holds more important. Again, I’m not judging you for being poly or wanting to participate in ethical non-monogamy. I’m saying that this is not how it works.

MyRedditUserName428 said:

Get an annulment OP. And don’t get pregnant. You aren’t his wife. You aren’t his priority. He spent your honeymoon avoiding you and mocking you.

SnoopyisCute said:

Undecided. I noticed that you left out the most important part and I don't know if that was intentional or not. Did you and your husband get married to be each other's beards? Do your partners live with you both or separately?

If it's the former, then I would assume that you would already know that your husband and his boyfriend wanted that time together which they can't express in the same way in their every day lives and the same for you and your girlfriend.

I do agree with your friend though. You wasted money and you were pouty because you wanted to control other people. Happiness is an inside job and you only set yourself up for disappointment by not embracing the moment regardless of what others are doing.

OP responded:

We're both bisexual, fell in love shortly after graduating at the same college, and while our partners don't live directly with us, they're both very close to us in terms of distance.