"AITA for considering divorce after I found a dating app on my wife’s phone?"

My wife (34F) and I (34M) have been married for 9 years, and together for 19. We have 2 children (4F, 6M). My wife is a SAHM, and she has been an amazing SAHM. I really loved her a lot.

Last week, I checked my wife’s phone for a basketball score because my phone had died. My wife had gone to shower. I saw that she had the Bumble app on her phone. This shocked me, and I clicked on the app, and saw that she had conversations with a few people. I checked the messages, and while they weren’t overtly sexual, there was a lot of teasing and flirting going on.

I was shattered, and asked my wife about it when she came out of the shower. My wife immediately apologized and started crying, and I just asked her why. She said she only downloaded it to talk to people and feel good about herself, and that she did it because her sister recommended it to her for getting back her youthful energy.

She said it never progressed past the talking stage on the phone, and she would never have even considered a date with someone, and she said I could see all the chats if I wanted to. She was crying really badly, and I told her I needed some space.

It’s been a week, and I am still thinking about it, but I am heavily leaning towards a divorce. I know we have 2 children and their lives will be uprooted, but I just don’t love my wife anymore, and I don’t see her as my life partner now and someone I want to be with the rest of my life. AITAH?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say about the situation:

Moon_Legs said:

NTA. You’ll never know if she’s bullshitting you about what her intentions were, so you just have to go with your gut I guess. In your scenario I would’ve kept quiet about it and secretly kept checking her phone to see how far she would’ve gone.

[deleted] said:

NTA. To me it sound like she’s very upset… that she got caught. Who’s knows what would’ve happened if you didn’t find out.

TensionCareful said:

Maybe only crying about it and admitting that nothing more than talks happened .. because you found out. What would had happen if you didn't? A few months later.. or two... Started going out with 'girlfriend'.'? If your married and happily there no reason to be in a dating app.

And PenaltySafe4523 said:

NTA. She cheated on you. Straight up. She is only sorry you caught her. If the sister is married or in a committed relationship let her partner know what she is up to.

A few days later, he shared this update:

Thank you for the advice. I have decided to proceed with a divorce, because the trust in my relationship has been irrevocably broken. Yes, it’s going to be a long and expensive process. It hurts me because my wife and I were together for 20 years, and it is hard for me to say anything bad about her because I loved her a lot.

But I just lost a lot of trust after she downloaded the dating app and texted different men for validation. I do believe my wife in that she only wanted validation and to feel good about herself, and it would have never progressed past the texting stage. But the trust has broken, and I don't think this can ever be fixed, even with marriage counseling.

I told my wife of this decision this morning, and she broke down in tears, and it was really bad and it hurt me a lot. For the stability of our children, I told my wife she could stay in our home during the divorce process, and I would move out to my sister’s.

My wife and I would live out a co parenting relationship with our children. I will need a few days to pack up, and I will move out this weekend. I will start looking for a divorce lawyer this weekend after I have moved out.

Commenters weighed in:

forever_single_now said:

No…first lawyer then check if you can move out with him. Even if for the moment it’s mutual agreement things can turn. If you move out before everything is clear you might end up with claim of abandonment and lose any custody. Better do it by the books. Respect lawyers advice to avoid any fallback.

Chi_BA17 said:

Hey man, I would advise against leaving the house and the kids. Depending on your situation it could potentially bite you in the butt. Obviously ignore this if you have already consulted with a lawyer, but just something you should consider.

And _h_simpson_ said:

!!!!!!TALK TO AN ATTORNEY BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!!!!!