'AITA for considering divorce after I found a dating app on my wife’s phone?' UPDATED
"AITA for considering divorce after I found a dating app on my wife’s phone?"
My wife (34F) and I (34M) have been married for 9 years, and together for 19. We have 2 children (4F, 6M). My wife is a SAHM, and she has been an amazing SAHM. I really loved her a lot.
Last week, I checked my wife’s phone for a basketball score because my phone had died. My wife had gone to shower. I saw that she had the Bumble app on her phone. This shocked me, and I clicked on the app, and saw that she had conversations with a few people. I checked the messages, and while they weren’t overtly s^&%al, there was a lot of teasing and flirting going on.
I was shattered, and asked my wife about it when she came out of the shower. My wife immediately apologized and started crying, and I just asked her why. She said she only downloaded it to talk to people and feel good about herself, and that she did it because her sister recommended it to her for getting back her youthful energy.
She said it never progressed past the talking stage on the phone, and she would never have even considered a date with someone, and she said I could see all the chats if I wanted to. She was crying really badly, and I told her I needed some space.
It’s been a week, and I am still thinking about it, but I am heavily leaning towards a divorce. I know we have 2 children and their lives will be uprooted, but I just don’t love my wife anymore, and I don’t see her as my life partner now and someone I want to be with the rest of my life. AITAH?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say about the situation:
Moon_Legs said:
NTA. You’ll never know if she’s bullshitting you about what her intentions were, so you just have to go with your gut I guess. In your scenario I would’ve kept quiet about it and secretly kept checking her phone to see how far she would’ve gone.
[deleted] said:
NTA. To me it sound like she’s very upset… that she got caught. Who’s knows what would’ve happened if you didn’t find out.
TensionCareful said:
Maybe only crying about it and admitting that nothing more than talks happened .. because you found out. What would had happen if you didn't? A few months later.. or two... Started going out with 'girlfriend'.'? If your married and happily there no reason to be in a dating app.
And PenaltySafe4523 said:
NTA. She cheated on you. Straight up. She is only sorry you caught her. If the sister is married or in a committed relationship let her partner know what she is up to.
A few days later, he shared this update:
Thank you for the advice. I have decided to proceed with a divorce, because the trust in my relationship has been irrevocably broken. Yes, it’s going to be a long and expensive process. It hurts me because my wife and I were together for 20 years, and it is hard for me to say anything bad about her because I loved her a lot.
But I just lost a lot of trust after she downloaded the dating app and texted different men for validation. I do believe my wife in that she only wanted validation and to feel good about herself, and it would have never progressed past the texting stage. But the trust has broken, and I don't think this can ever be fixed, even with marriage counseling.
I told my wife of this decision this morning, and she broke down in tears, and it was really bad and it hurt me a lot. For the stability of our children, I told my wife she could stay in our home during the divorce process, and I would move out to my sister’s.
My wife and I would live out a co parenting relationship with our children. I will need a few days to pack up, and I will move out this weekend. I will start looking for a divorce lawyer this weekend after I have moved out.
Commenters weighed in:
Chi_BA17 said:
Hey man, I would advise against leaving the house and the kids. Depending on your situation it could potentially bite you in the butt. Obviously ignore this if you have already consulted with a lawyer, but just something you should consider.
And _h_simpson_ said:
!!!!!!TALK TO AN ATTORNEY BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!!!!!
[deleted]
Retain a divorce attorney before moving out. Don't make it look like you're abandoning the marital home. This may not work in your favor in divorce proceedings.
That said, did you find out any more information that led you from such a fast decision from posting your original thread a few hours ago until now? Did you talk to her parents? Her sister? Your parents and sister? You do what's right for you, but I think you're moving very fast with this and not thinking clearly.
Would you still try marriage counseling and at least be open to reconciling while you two are separated if your wife was? Has she shown any remorse at all? Did she even delete the app off her phone and talk to you about steps she's taking to restore trust? A lot of this sounds one sided.
For me? No kids involved, I'd probably move on too. With two really small kids? I don't know. Trust would be gone for me too, but there are ways to reconciliation. Open phone policy, full access to all devices, emails, etc. Locations turned on both of your phones. Whether she shows any remorse during a separation process would determine how I proceed here.
MutedExits OP
No, I did not find out any more new information. I was already heavily leaning towards a divorce when I posted the original thread. My parents are no longer here, but I've already been speaking to my sister over the past week. I haven't spoken with my wife's parents and sister yet, I will probably tonight.
My wife and I will still maintain an amicable relationship for our children. I have no ill feelings towards her, but I am not open to reconciling, because the trust is just gone, and I don't think marriage counseling will fix it. Yes, she has deleted the app, shown remorse, and she regrets everything. But trust was one of the core tenets of our relationship, and that is lost now.