'AITA for wanting to divorce my husband because of his parents’ open relationship?'
"AITA for wanting to divorce my husband because of his parents’ open relationship?"
ThrowRA_RightCanary
Hi everyone. I need a second opinion badly.
So, I’m 28, husband is 27, his parents are in their early 50s, late 40s. Husband and I have two kids under 10.
Straight to the point, my daughter came home from her grandparents’ place recently with a new toy. It was expensive, in laws are not that rich, and they’re super stingy.
I questioned her and she told me that “grandma and grandpa’s special friend got it for me.” Instant red flag. Questioned my son, same thing. Went to my husband and he suddenly was very quiet.
I pressed and learned that his parents have an open relationship. I didn’t get many details since he was embarrassed and ashamed of the fact, but I blew up. I have no idea who this “special friend” is.
When I take my kids over to the in laws they’re there to see their grandparents. Not their grandparents’ “special friend.” The fact that they let my kids around them was more than enough for me to go full momma bear mode.
I fought with my husband that night about keeping that from me. Keeping that from me was HUGE in my eyes. He let our children go over there knowing his parents were up to stuff.
He claimed that it wasn’t his business, so it shouldn’t be mine either. I said that our kids were exposed to strangers so yes, it is my business and it should be his too. We didn’t reach an agreement.
I found out through my kids that almost every time they go over there’s someone new around. Sometimes the in laws even LEAVE and let their “friends” watch my children.
I felt sick. I called my MIL and cussed her out. My children are not seeing their grandparents for the foreseeable future and my husband is angry with me. My in laws are too, but I’m so angry I can’t interact with them.
I want to divorce my husband. He’s been angry, pleading, begging, yelling at me, crying, getting me gifts, everything. He says I’m throwing everything away over something his parents did, so why punish him and the kids? Why break up a happy family?
My friends are saying that I’m overreacting, my husband’s friends are calling me an ah0l3, and the only person on my side is my mom. My parents are fighting too because my mom sided with me.
I don’t think I’m wrong but the kids miss their grandparents and liked their “friends” because they always brought them gifts and played with them. I don’t trust this. I feel like I’m going crazy. Am I overreacting? I’m in the guest room spiraling. AITA for wanting to divorce? Please help.
EDIT IMPORTANT INFO: My husband says that he has has known about his parents’ openness since he was a kid. He claims that his parents had no idea that he even knew, including now, but I don’t believe that.
He said that it was never his business, he was embarrassed, and he had no idea that his parents were still doing this. Claims he didn’t know that they were bringing them around the kids too. I don’t buy it at all. If they did that when he was a kid, why stop with ours?
Forgot to add it since I’m not thinking well. Just word dumped. This is also why I want the divorce. I believe that he knew all along but neglected to tell me. That key piece of information is what’s really doing it for me.
I need to calm down again before I can properly address anything. Reading some of the comments I can see that I’m still in angry shock mode and I can’t make good decisions like this. Thank you for the help so far.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Stay_sharp101
They left your kids alone with strangers in their home. You have every right to go ballistic.
seniortwat
A revolving door of strangers who come by for sex, play with the kids ALONE and buy them gifts to ensure the kids like them. This is screaming red flags for abuse. Why would their intimate friends be there when the grandkids are AT ALL, are they actively swinging with the kids downstairs?
xanif
"He claimed that it wasn’t his business, so it shouldn’t be mine either."
If vetting the people who are babysitting your child isn't your business, who's is it? I'm actually asking.
Horror-Reveal7618
In laws don't have to disclose their personal life, but they should tell the parents if they are hosting people they don't know while the children will be there. And they DEFINITELY should never leave the children with people the parents don't know and didn't agree to allow babysitting.
In laws broke your trust and forbidding them babysitting and having unsupervised contact with children is the minimum consequence. Before making any decisions about your marriage, try counseling. At least so you both can discuss the situation with a neutral party. NTA.
aadilsud
The issue isn't them being in an open relationship, it's them potentially endangering your kids by letting strangers around them. Maybe focus on that? NTA.
Particular-Try5584
I think you’re blaming the wrong person here - your husband. It’s possible his parents don’t realize he knows because they've never talked about it. It’s entirely possible his parents thought they were cleverly discrete when they weren’t.
And he figured it all out when he was going through puberty and was too weirded out/ embarrassed, ashamed (wonder where this shame comes from?!) to talk to them about it.
Your kids might be around them too simply because the grandparents are arrogantly expecting every one to be oblivious and stupid to their games. “Special friends“ Gross. Extra partners? Sure… but to introduce grandchild to a revolving door of “special friends” is fairly out there.
You need to sit down and talk to your husband, and get on the same page. And that needs to be that a) in future he doesn't hide things from you - what kind of partnership is this/how are you supposed to work together to resolve issues if you are kept in the dark.
And b) the deal with the grandparents is that your children are there to see only them, not any of their alternative intimacy partners, or even their friends. If they can’t agree to that then their time with your children is going to be kept to the times they visit you without their extras. (If you can stomach that).
If necessary one of you needs to go to your in laws every visit too (him!). And then you have an adult conversation with your in laws and relay THAT to them. This is the way it is.
You are screaming and shouting and lobbing word land mines, and possibly incoherent word salad. Take a deep breath or ten, and get yourself together. Sit down and work out what really is the issues here and discuss it like the adults you think you are.
Edit to add: If you are concerned about whether your children have been groomed or exposed to inappropriate conduct/content then take them to a child sexual abuse psychologist.
Do NOT try to question them at home (nor your husband), you can easily muddy the evidence there. Instead let the professionals handle it and find out if there’s anything ugly going on, and then work with that with you through it.