'AITA to threaten divorce if my husband doesn’t prioritize the kids over his disabled mom?'
"AITA to threaten divorce if my husband doesn’t prioritize the kids over his disabled mom?"
I need advice because I don’t know what to do anymore. My husband and I have been married for a decade. We have 5 children and I am a stay at home mom - a decision we made together.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with high blood pressure. She refused to take her prescribed medication believing that all she needed to do was pray and fast for healing. Well, 3 years ago she had a stroke that left her with aphasia and wheelchair bound (80% of the time).
She spent many months in hospital and when she was discharged, my husband went over for a couple of weeks to help her settle in. A caretaker and nurse were hired to help her.
Unfortunately, my MIL is a difficult patient and she has cycled through many caretakers and nurses. She has been physically and verbally abusive to her care team. For example; one evening a care taker called because my MIL had fired her at 3am and threw objects at her when the caretaker told her that she couldn’t leave her until someone came over to take over her care.
All this commotion led to my husband spending more and more time at my MIL’s trying to sort out her care. Initially he would drive to her place after work every other day to check that all is in order.
His mother lives an hour away from us so driving back and forth after work was strenuous so my husband asked to sleepover there instead of driving back. Over time, his sleepovers at my MIL’s have become more frequent and extended.
Last month he only spent 1 week at home with me and children, the rest of the month was spent at his mother’s. Last time he was home, our youngest was afraid of him because he thought he was a stranger.
I have raised this issue with him but he accuses me of being heartless and uncaring. He tells me that his mother needs him. So during our call yesterday, I told him that I was thinking of divorce because I am currently living as a single parent, he didn’t take too kindly to that.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
His mom needs to be moved into a care home that is equipped to handle her. He’s a dad and he can’t abandon his family over 75% of the time. It’s harming his relationship with you and the kids. Don’t threaten divorce unless you’re ready to go down that path. It’s not an empty threat and it’s not something you can always come back from.
Add to the above comment that they will also be multiple people on each shift so their not getting burned out dealing with her behavior.
As someone that works in skilled nursing, I can tell you that facilities do get burnt out and if the patient is so bad that they can’t provide care to her…they will find a way to get her out of the facility. I’ve seen it done many times. And once she starts getting a name across town it’ll be difficult to find placement for her.
His mother needs to be moved into a care home. They're used to dealing with cantankerous patients and she obviously needs more care than your husband can provide. I feel for your husband, but you're right - he's torn between his mother and you and the kids, and his mother is winning.
Later the same day, the OP returned to provide more information for commenters.
EDIT: I see comments asking the same questions and I am going to answer some of the questions here. Firstly, my husband is my MIL’s only surviving child. Secondly, our youngest is 15 months.
I spent most of the pregnancy alone because of this situation. I had to drive our older children to extracurricular activities while I was heavily pregnant. He was at his mother’s when I went into labour and our neighbour drove me to hospital while his wife took care of our children.
2nd EDIT: I didn’t expect the number of children we have to be controversial. I only mentioned our 5 children to provide context on this issue. I don’t want to get into specifics but I will say that how and why we have 5 children is more complicated than you imagine.
Our house was bought by my father in law for our family. He was a staunch Christian who believed in family values so he bought this house to support our marriage and family. He was a voice of reason and often played the role of marriage counselor. We miss him terribly.
My MIL does behave better when my husband is around because my husband knows how to calm her down. So even though she is abusive, my husband knows how to de escalate. She has not been diagnosed with dementia.
When we spoke about a care home my husband was not willing to consider it because my MIL is attached to her home and my husband was told that moving her to place where she is unfamiliar with her surroundings may cause her to deteriorate. He also said there are many horror stories about elderly abuse at care homes.
We spoke again after my post, he was weeping saying that his mother is dying and he wants to spend as much time as possible with her before she passes. He also said threatening divorce was cruel.
Here is what people then had to say to the OP:
I would just get a lawyer. He knows what he's doing. He has other options but he won't take them and he's making you and the kids pay the price because his mother is such an AH that she assaults caregivers. He can put her in a home, or he can move in with her and pay child support.
Those are his options. His mother is a grown woman who is responsible for herself and her own actions. His kids need him. She doesn't "need" him. She put herself in a position where she can demand his focus and all his attention. I'm betting that's the whole point of driving away care givers.
This. There's no fixing this because your husband doesn't want to fix anything. He doesn't care that his children think he's a stranger or that he's abandoning you to do all the work. He prefers it.
Don't waste more of your time trying to get your husband to want to be at home. It's demeaning to both you and your children. Let him live with mommy like he wants, and build a better life with your and your children.
WTF did he expect you to do? Continue this trainwreck indefinitely? He has 5 kids and a wife to look after first and foremost. If the old woman is such a pain in the rear with the hired help then that's on her.
He didn't like the divorce idea yet still wants you to capitulate. He is manipulating you with words and guilt just like the old woman is doing to him. She needs round the clock care. I know, I had a mother just like that. She would treat my sister like trash and I would try to talk with her or even yell at her but I live 1200 miles away.