'AITA if I divorce my husband for asking to be polyamorous? The ick is strong.' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I divorce my husband just for asking to be polyamorous?"

This is really upsetting to me on all accounts and I’m getting mixed opinions from the few real life people I’ve talked to about it, so I could use the advice of total strangers.

I (26F) and my husband (27M) have been married for just over a year and together for 4. We spent a long time before getting married talking about what we wanted out of being married so I thought we were on the same page about all the important things. I do love him very much. He is sweet, helpful, and generally my dream partner until last week.

Out of the blue, he sat down one night and said he wanted to talk about something. I thought it was just something minor he was frustrated about or a bad day at work or something. Instead, he talked about how he found out that his best guy friend and his wife are polyamorous.

He and his friend have been talking about it more and he thinks he might like to try it and wondered what I thought. I felt instantly sick to my stomach. We’ve always had a great romantic/physical connection and he’s never given me any reason to think he was interested in anyone else. I told him that I’m not interested in being in a polyamorous relationship. I want to be monogamous with him for the rest of my life.

If it had stopped there, I don’t think it would have gotten so bad, but then he asked if I would read about it and then decide. I said no, I already know how I feel about it. He asked if I would at least think about it and for some reason that just did something to me. Like instant revulsion kind of upset.

I got up and told him that I was too upset to keep talking and that I needed some space so I would sleep in the guest room that night and we could talk later. Ever since that night, I have the biggest ick anytime I see him. He keeps trying to backtrack, but I know he meant what he said about wanting to be polyamorous.

It’s not so much that he brought it up, it’s the two other asks after I already said I would never be comfortable with it. It’s like that didn’t matter to him, he thought he could convince me and it makes me feel awful. What else is he going to pressure me about if I say no? And if he already wants to sleep with someone else, how can I ever trust him not do it behind my back?

I’m still sleeping in the guest room and I’m thinking of just asking for a divorce now when it would be simpler to divide everything up and go our separate ways instead of waiting until years down the line when I get my heart broken. He could go do whatever he wants and I could find someone who just wants a good solid monogamous relationship with me.

The idea is killing me, but I feel like it’s going to hurt now no matter what I do. While I do still love him, I don’t think I can ever unhear and unsee my husband asking me for an open relationship and the idea of him touching me makes me feel ill. He’s upset and frustrated that I’m “punishing” him for asking a question, but I honestly don’t know what he expected to happen.

There is a part of me that thinks maybe divorcing him is being overdramatic but also, the ick is so strong that I don’t have much hope of getting back to where we were. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

deadbwalking said:

NTA. I don't think it's over-dramatic to get out of a contract you signed with another person when they are trying to change the terms a year into it.

BloodMoneyMorality said:

NTA. Polyamory is other RELATIONSHIPS.. not just open physical intimacy. And men often times over estimate their value and ability to get other partners. They ALSO.. tend to already have someone in mind when asking.

ThisWeekInTheRegency said:

NTA. Once the ick has icked, there's no turning back. It's his pushing after you clearly stated your position which is the huge problem. He clearly wants to sleep with his friend's wife. You're right, much easier now than later. I'm so sorry this happened; it must have been such a shock.

catinnameonly said:

I have a lot of poly in my circle of friends. After being with my husband for 24 years we have discussed it. While we find it interesting and works for our friends (though not without some drama) we ultimately decided it was better to water our own lawns instead.

We were at a friends house for dinner and another guest brought up a similar situation she was in and asking our poly friend chuck his take. His answer was: look him in the eyes and ask him “are you really ok with kissing me good night when I had another man’s dick in my mouth? Do you want me to tell you about it? Because this is what you are asking for.”

If you want to be super petty, start a free online dating profile. Then after you tell him this let him look through all the DMs. NTA - It’s really hard to come back from an ick. I would get your ducks in order and then make a decision if you want to stay, separate, divorce. At least you have a backup plan.

MatVolume said:

NTA I can't imagine how painful my wife asking to sleep with other people would be. The "it's just a question" thing is ridiculous too, there are countless questions that just speaking into the world shows the kid of person you are. The fact that it would come up now out of nowhere too. I don't know what you're going to do but I hope you're alright

She later shared this update:

Gosh, this got a lot of replies! I’m reading through them as best I can. I’m going to take the advice to get an STI test and my gyno is going to work me in today for that. I don’t think he would physically cheat, but better safe than sorry. I do think there is probably someone he’s interested in, possibly his friend’s wife or maybe even his friend. He’s never expressed being bisexual, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t.

I don’t know them very well, so I can’t speculate on their role in all of this. I’m going to be charitable and assume there are no machinations from their end and he just picked this up from his friend and ran with it.

I want to be clear that I am not ignoring him. We can talk about whatever else is going on, but I’m not ready to continue this conversation with him and he knows that. I want to be calm for that and his behavior is not really conducive to a sense of calm right now.

Every time he brings it up makes me a little more disgusted with him, but he seems intent on digging the hole instead of letting things settle. That and not taking the first no for an answer is a bigger issue than the poly ask for me.

I think I’m going to meet with a lawyer just to go over options. At this point, I don’t have a lot of faith in counseling changing how I feel about him now, but I would be willing to try a few sessions to say we gave it a shot. I’ll throw that out there tonight and see what he says.