'AITA for divorcing my wife even though she's claiming postpartum depression?'
"AITA for divorcing my wife even though she's claiming postpartum depression?"
I (28m) have been married to my wife (27f) for 2 years together for four. 14 months ago we had our first baby, she hasn't gone back to work and I have been the sole breadwinner (her choice), and since she gave birth my wife became a nightmare to deal with.
She became irritable, angry at me for the smallest reasons, complains about everything, everything is somehow my fault, all she does is hold the baby all day (even if he didn't need to be held) and scroll through her phone.
Everything else is my responsibility. We haven't been intimate for over a year and a half and whenever I try to address it she lashes out at me because even though I'm the only who works and I do all the house work yet I'm "insensitive and don't care about her" (I haven't brought up being intimate until 3 months postpartum).
I was basically her emotional punching bag. I tried to get her to therapy, I tried to address her behavior but all I get is more verbal a^%$e. I hated our marriage, I wanted to end it but I was scared of the idea of coparenting, I was scared of the social backlash of ending a marriage with a child involved, and also a small part of me was hoping that somehow things well get better.
Well last month she made it a lot easier to end it, she told me she was going to a bar with her friends, she came back home at 4 AM drunk, as soon as she slept I snooped through her phone and found texts between her and a random guy implying that she went to a hotel room with him, I was almost relieved when I saw them, I can finally walk away from this miserable marriage without any guilt or regret.
The first thing I did was take a DNA test for the baby (he is mine), as soon as the results came back I informed my wife that I'm aware of her infidelity and our marriage is over, she broke down crying., she begged for my forgiveness, she tried to use every excuse in the book, postpartum depression, past trauma, alcohol.
She promised to make it up to me, she said she would do whatever I want, said that she doesn’t want our family to break, but I wasn't having any of it, I have already hated this marriage and the infidelity was just the nail in the coffin.
We still live together and she has been begging me to reconsider, promising me every thing under the sun, but I have no intention to reconsider and I told her she is not allowed to speak to me anymore. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Postpartum is addressed by therapy. Not with adultery. I'd honestly start separation proceedings. Just make sure you kept screenshots of her texts.
senivell104 OP:
I already have the screenshots, cheating after denying me intimacy for over a year and a half and lashing out at me for even trying to address it is straight up vile, she couldn't care less about me when she did it, there is no coming back no matter what she does.
I have a friend who in 1980 went through a similar situation. He proceeded with his divorce and split custody. Get a very good attorney. The next twenty years are going to be rough but survivable.
My friend has a great relationship with his child and grandchildren. It took him 30 years before he married again. He simply wasn’t rushing it. Best of all to you.
NTA. This is from a woman's perspective: The emotional a*&^e and refusal of therapy would have been enough. She may have PPD but SHE has to get therapy for it. She knew for a year she was treating you like s#*t. No one should put up with being an emotional punching bag no matter what mental condition someone has.
I live with schizoaffective bipolar disorder. I am responsible for NOT treating those around me h*llishly even when manic or psychosis. She refused the therapy and possible meds to make it better. That's on her, not you.
Yes, there are mental conditions that can lead to cheating. Not PPD. Even if it made her feel like she needed strange, it is on her to not follow through. It is possible she didn't mean to cheat but she did. She wasn't drunk before she took her several drinks. It was up to her when she was still sober enough to reconize her interest in some rando and go home.
Stop talking to her about wanting to divorce. If you can, get proof on her infidelity. Find a lawyer. You do not want to give her time to make her own plan. One thing I have noticed on here is how vidictive the cheating partner tends to be.
You do not want to give her the chance to claim abuse. Or time to run up your credit cards or clean out your bank accounts. Be civil to her. You have to act calm right now. Yes, you may hate the final blindside, but you MUST protect yourself. Get that lawyer and follow their advice to the letter. Remember, she is kissing a*# right now to not lose her meal ticket.
If you back down the judge may side with her even more. Besides once she feels stable again she will probably go right back to how she treated you since she hasn't done anything to address the reason she treated you worse than garbage. Good luck.