'AITA for threatening to divorce my wife if she doesn't change our infant daughter's name to one we agreed on?'
"AITA for threatening to divorce my wife if she doesn't change our infant daughter's name to one we agreed on?"
Hello. I'm a 31 year old man. Also, I'm Hispanic so excuse any mistakes. My wife (32) and I met at an anime convention in university, and started dating a few years later. It's always been part of our story and relationship, both being nerds and everything.
We have been married for 6 years now. We have been trying for a baby now that we bought a house. We made 2 lists of names while trying, since we had a bit of a hard time.
She very badly wanted to name our child something that would reference a fandom we like, and I agreed it would be very cute, but I told her It'd be better if the reference was subtle. I told her I did not want our child to have a name that was too obviously tied to a fandom or character. She said she understood.
She got pregnant, and we each chose a top contender from our lists. However, when we found out the baby was a girl, she became fixated on naming our daughter Vriska, from Homestuck. Specifically Vriska.
I said no multiple times. She insisted it was meaningful because fandoms are part of our relationship. She wouldn't even hear me out on any other names from Homestuck in that month.
Eventually we had a very heartfelt conversation about it and ended up agreeing that she could choose the name, but from our previously written list, which already contained plenty of subtle references.
Early in her 3rd trimester, he mother offered to organize us a baby shower. Our daughter will be the first girl of this generation in her family, so she was very excited. Everything was going great until we opened the gifts from her direct family.
Her mom gifted her a set of onesies with the name "Vriska" printed across the front. Her brother gifted is a sort of wooden plaque ? with “Vriska” burned into it, for the nursery.
I was very upset, but I did not say anything. I confronted her once we got home, saying we had agreed not to do this. She immediately exploded. Yelling, tears, accusing me of being ashamed of our hobbies?
I ended up having to try to calm her down while still trying to maintain my point. When after like 20 minutes of this, I firmly said we are not naming our daughter that, she grabbed onto my right arm and dug her nails into it while screaming.
It was extremely weird. She's always been a bit impulsive but she's never done stuff like this. She grabbed the onesies and called her family from the front door patio. She was on the phone the whole time her mom drove here and would scream if i tried to come out.
She stayed with her mom and would not pick up my calls, and would not open the door when I visited.
She ended up being induced at the hospital at 33 weeks.
After the birth, she tried to come back home. I said I could never forgive her for making me miss the birth of my first daughter, that we would need couple's and individual therapy, and I asked her if she really did name our baby that.
She said yes. I told her to leave. I said all mistakes were reparable, but if she did not agree to change our daughter's name to something we had actually discussed, I would file for divorce and fight her for custody.
Her family and most of my family thinks I'm being unreasonable, and that I can just call the baby by her middle name. My sister said I should never put conditions to starting therapy.
What do I do? How can I fix this? Am I being unreasonable for expecting my wife to not undermine me in such a dramatic way? Should I agree to let her move in and go to counseling before bringing the name up again?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA - at this point, you’d be divorcing her over WAY more than just a name. She’s shown that she will physically attack you, abandon you, and keep you from your daughter in order to get her way.
I think you should move forward with the divorce because your wife is highly unstable and it sounds like her family all enable it. This most likely won’t get better, and you should leave before she ends up pregnant again.
This is the most important comment here. She's a liar, an emotional manipulator, and she's crossed the line into physical abuse. Divorce is the only way.
NTA. Baby names are a two-yes situation, and quite a consequential one. She crossed a massive red line. I would move forward with separation since this person very clearly does not respect you and dos not see you as a full partner. At least that way, later on when she tries to steamroll you on some other parenting decision, you will at least have a custody agreement to fall back on.
Vriska is a truly awful name for a real person lol.
Your wife is insane for pulling this.
Going to go against the majority here and say NTA as it seems this was a genuine agreement and it seems your wife is at least slightly stark raving bonkers. Your response that she needs to undo the damage she's done is unsubtle but not inappropriate.
Quit arguing about the name OP, instead call out that she lied to you, went behind your back with her family, then refused to ever have a mature conversation to resolve an issue, and then when your daughter was born she decided to exclude you from being there. That is the issue not the name.
NTA. I’m concerned for her mental health though… this is extreme behavior. Is it out of character? Has she been assessed for ppd? As for the name/custody… you need to talk to a lawyer about your options. UpdateMe.
ThrowAwayDumbestName (OP)
This is why I want her to go to therapy. Mental health is not treated seriously where we live, and many women even say postpartum depression does not exist just to encourage others to have children.
I do not agree with that at all, and I think what happened shows she needs real support. I do not want to give up on her. My wife has literally saved my life. At the same time. I'm exhausted. I want her to contribute to making things right instead of doubling down or pretending nothing is wrong.
Your wife is completely out of line, for multiple reasons. I can't see this being a first time occurrence, either. It sounds like you're both immature and lack emotional intelligence.
Therapy for everyone, separately and together, but ONLY if you really want to fix the things that are broken. This is the only the beginning of her controlling everything surrounding your child and running to her family every time you disagree with her, which is extremely childish behavior.
Please fix this so you both don't mess your kid up.
Sincerely, a kid that was messed up by my parents. Thanks.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?