Divorced mom of 2 tells fiancé; 'I DEMAND a private wedding.' AITA?

"AITAH for wanting a private wedding?"

Am I the AHole*, I'm 31 (F) and he's 33 (M) We have been dating for 3 yeArs now, we have been talking about getting engaged. I got sized & picked out a ring, so now I'm starting to stress. I love this man with all my soul! I'm divorced, 2 kids out of wedlock.

Only reason this even matters is because he's Catholic. His family was not welcoming towards me, it has been a major struggle. Especially cause we live together.

They don't agree with our situation, however my boyfriend had a conversation with his mom, telling her he's gonna marry me and she really needs to come around. She has some. But it's still so awkward around then cause of the 3 years of the family being against me.

So much, that the sister in laws family knows my business. Divorce, house fire, kids out wedlock, other things that happen that they knew about! My boyfriend bought me a car after mine for repoed in the divorce! I paid him back for said car when I got my taxes.

I'm having a hard time getting over the family being some type of way about it. So the thought about a wedding with his family present doesn't sit well with me. Honestly, I don't want anyone there.

God, him, and me oh and the priest That's it! My boyfriend wants a huge wedding. My family is small! I have no friends. Am I the AH* if I stand my ground on a private wedding and doing a video photographer instead of a huge wedding and reception?

Also I want to add my parent will not be able to pay for a wedding. It will be out of pocket for my boyfriend and I! I'd rather spend that money on a good photographer and make a video of our marriage; it's been a dream of mine after my last divorce.

rockolgy writes:

YTA, but only for expecting the big celebration without the audience. On the balance, I can't call you the A-hole for wanting the private wedding given your reasoning, but making it an ultimatum in a situation where the celebration is for the both of you puts you over the line, and wanting the trappings of the big event without sharing it with your hubby's family is way over.

You don't mention your husband's feelings on the matter specifically, although I assume that he wants his family there based on what you've said about standing your ground. Whatever he feels, I cannot imagine getting married without my family there.

You want the pomp and circumstance of the day, but what is the point of that if people can't come celebrate it with you? You have a desire to have it based on your first marriage, but your fiancé's family, and I imagine him, have a desire to be part of his first, and hopefully only, marriage. They want the big celebration too... because they want to share it with him.

I think, overall, if you want private, you have to accept small. I can't speak for your man, but for me, while I would be willing to have a private ceremony, it would be a small courthouse or chapel ceremony, and not a big event. The big event only happens, for me, if my family is there to share it with me. You need to figure out if your husband to be is in the same boat.

feletr writes:

You're NTA for wanting a small private wedding. Just like he's not the asshole for wanting a large wedding. You're just going to have to find some middle ground compromise where you're both (un)happy.

"Standing your ground" means making an ultimatum, which is not a great precedent to set in a relationship. If you can't learn to compromise even on the major things, that's not setting your marriage up for a success.

Agree on a reasonable budget for the wedding. What can you afford? Can his family help pay for it? Is it worth taking a loan out? Personally I'm with you--paying tens of thousands of dollars for a one-day party never made sense to me. Better to spend it on a memorable honeymoon or a downpayment on a house.

But weddings are REALLY important to some people/families and they want to make it a huge affair. Also, NOT having a big wedding (if weddings are a big deal in his family) may turn his family against you further--you might need to compromise on this to improve your relationship with his side of the family.

My husband and I had a small wedding--13 people total including us, basically just our immediate families, parents and siblings. No friends even. We were originally going to just sign the papers at the courthouse but my sister pulled me aside and said, "Your mothers will be really hurt if you if you don't have a wedding.

Weddings are for families as much as they are for the bride and groom." So we compromised and did a small wedding, and took everyone out to a fancy restaurant for dinner rather than a catered reception at a venue.

I will say that family is often against someone's partner because they THINK/HOPE they can change his mind. Once your bf is clear with his family that this is happening with or without their blessing, it's very likely that they will come around, though it may take a long time for them to fully accept you. But, you know, that's what families (especially in-laws) are like sometimes.

mutedaarvard writes:

I think weddings are for both of you, not just you and so in a way, you guys have to find a compromise.

Sure his parents don't approve of you now but don't you think that completely excluding them from experiencing their son's wedding will make them hate you now even more.

I think while you might want a small very intimate wedding, it would be unwise to do so coz it'll only make things more awkward btn you and his family which I doubt is what you want.

I think you should talk to your husband and try to find a way to have a small wedding where you include his parents and yours and maybe a few select friends and then you can have your private photography session.

It might not be the best day of your life the way you pictured it but I think since you love him, some day you'll look back and think, "Wow, it was worth it."

fleop writes:

If he is insistent on a Catholic ceremony with a priest then you've got bigger problems. At the least, you would need an annulment. You understand that he told his family all your business, right?

NTA, but you seem *very* far apart on this, and neither of you are informed as to what is required.

chinitaloca writes:

Not answering your question as I’m on the fence. I think compromise is needed and your fiancé has a big role to play in getting them to accept you.

I hate crowds, don’t have a big family or friends and am not religious when my husband’s family is. We used the excuse of covid to get married quickly and simply saying that if anything happened to either of us the other would have no rights.

It’s not how they think but they did get it and accepted our small wedding with good grace on the condition we’d have a bigger one after covid.

Could you do something similar: legal wedding for you both then a second one after. If he wants that (and it’s not just for his mum) then sadly I think you’re off to a bad start and they’ll blame you for it.

It’s still stressful, it’s still his family and their judgement but you’re already legally married and somehow that removes a lot of the stress. They have to accept it (and they’ll already have accepted it) and you feel different about it because the bit you want - the paper- is already done. Or I did anyway.