Recently divorced woman goes back to date's house; 'Why do you have a shrine of my ex-husband?' UPDATED

"The guy I’m dating (36/m) has a shrine to my (37/F) ex-husband in his house."

I was married for 7 years to a “celebrity.” I put it in quotes bc while most of you have never heard of him, he is A-list in the world of metal music. If you’re a metal head you 100% know who he is.

We split amicably bc he was always going on tour. I used to love going with him, but the thrill of it wore off and I found myself sick of traveling so much. Because of this we grew apart, but still keep in contact occasionally bc despite the fact our marriage didn’t work, he is a really cool, nice person.

Two weeks ago I met a guy through a friend that I immediately hit it off with. We have been on 3 dates so far. The first two dates were drinks after work. He showed up in nice khakis and a button down both times.

On our latest date i went to his house to watch a movie (literally watch a movie, we are taking the physical stuff slow lol). He has a nice house so I asked for a tour. After he showed me the upstairs he said he had to show me his game room.

We went down into a fully furnished basement with a pool table, a mini bar, and darts. But there was something VERY WEIRD down there also....

Apparently my new man is really into metal music (would never have guessed based on how he dresses lol), and his FAVORITE artist of all time is.... you guessed it! My ex husband.

He had framed posters of all of my ex’s bands, autographed signature guitars, every record he has ever released were framed on the walls. He even had magazine articles about him and some of his bands framed.

Every wall in his game room was covered with my ex’s face and his signature guitars. So, I may have messed up here, but I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything. (He knows I’m divorced, but he definitely doesn’t know it’s from his idol!)

We are seeing each other tonight for our fourth date and I know I need to tell him, but how?? I REALLY like this guy, but I’m afraid if I tell him he will freak out and run. What should I say?? Where should I tell him?

I just don’t want to damage our relationship bc I can really see it becoming long term. I know I should’ve told him at his house, but honestly I was in shock! Anybody know how to approach this??

TL;DR: The guy I just started dating is obsessed with my ex husband and his music. He has no idea that he’s my ex and I’m not sure how to tell him.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

pagaprin writes:

I find it really hard to believe that he has a shrine of your ex husband to the level you’re describing, but doesn’t know who you are. Maybe I’m jaded, but it seems too coincidental and potentially unsafe for you.

OP replies:

A lot of people are saying this and now I am a little freaked out. I mean, he can google him and find out we were married. Now I’m scared he did! I’m gonna ask my friend that introduced us if she told him.

shanasy writes:

Have you ever been in photos with your ex-husband that this new guy might have seen? I find it hard to believe that in this day and age, that he wouldn't know who the former wife of his idol is.

OP replies:

This never dawned on me until I posted it, but there are pictures of us all over the internet. Now I’m a little freaked out that he already knew.

soryli writes:

If he's such a fan : HE KNOWS YOU.

OP replies:

I think you guys are all correct and I don’t think I should continue seeing him. I’m beginning to think it is not a coincidence at all.

spawnbork writes:

Yes, this is a potentially dangerous situation for you. Crazed fans can and do harass family members of their idols. I know it sucks and you really like this guy, but if this guy is a stalker he could be targeting you to get your ex-husband's attention.

OP replies:

Thank you for your concern. After reading these comments I am gonna break it off. I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me that he already knew.

elaineamrs writes:

I think that’s safest. The chances of him not knowing who you were married to are pretty slim. I could understand if it was a band he’d never heard of, but his favourite band/artist? No way.

hardy writes:

woah aren't you gonna check with his side of the story too? He might have no idea...

OP replies:

Yeah. I’m gonna go through with our dinner date tonight and talk to him about it.

cottoncandyco writes:

He met you though friends, and is obsessed with your ex husband? Yeah, he definitely knows who you are. It would be hard to spend a lot of time tracking down signed memorabilia, etc without ever getting a glimpse of a name or a pic of his favorite celebrity's wife.

Like, someone that has spent this much time and effort following and googling your ex-husband absolutely would know about wives, divorces, etc.

I would talk to the friend that introduced you and ask them if they know who your ex husband is, and ask if the guy specifically asked to get an opportunity to meet you.

OP replies:

I called my friend and she says she didn’t tell him, but after reading these responses I realized he could google him and find pictures of us together. Now I’m weirded out.

bandngle writes:

Did she know he was a fan? It’s weird to me that he specifically wanted to show you that room, it makes me feel like he already knew. When he showed you, did it look like he was watching you for a reaction? OP can you update us with how this all turns out?

OP replies:

He didn’t seem to be looking for a reaction. He just looked really excited to show off his game room.

vpaaah writes:

It's completely ridiculous to cut things off without even talking to the guy. I once found out that an actress I was obsessed with was once married to a friend of a close friend, who I met on several occasions before they married the actress.

I read every article I could about her, probably saw lots of red carpet pictures of her and her husband. Never paid attention. I was a big fan of Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer both and found out they were married like two years after they got married, which happened in the middle of me following both their work.

Both scenarios are plausible, but it's stupid to not even ask. The worst that can happen is things don't work out. Or if he's a crazy stalker, breaking up with him won't help anyway.

agahwsort writes:

I think you do need to be prepared that he does know exactly who you are and that he is obsessed with your ex or you in an emotionally unhealthy way, and take the proper precautions. Does he know where you live? Work? Etc?

Hopefully the date tonight is in a public place that you feel safe in terms of being able to leave and don't feel like you could be cornered. It's unlikely that he is "throw you in a well and give you lotion" crazy, you were in his house, in the basement no less, and he didn't do anything.

But if he does have an unhealthy obsession with your ex or you, then you need to be prepared. If you go on this date tonight, I would ask a friend (maybe not the friend that introduced you since he knows them, maybe a guy friend that looks physically intimidating) to shadow you on this date.

Like, they hang out at the bar of the restaurant or something and have a distinct signal (like, if you play with your ear or a text or pretend to get a call from your mom and tell her that the new refrigerator will be arriving Monday or whatever) you can send so they can come over or alert the staff if you don't feel physically safe.

That said, there is a chance that he doesn't know. You met through friends and you say in a comment that he didn't say anything to the friend. If he cold DMed you on social media, that would be a different story, but it doesn't seem like he sought you out.

And maybe he's just really into the musical aspect of your ex, as the focus of his shrine is the music your ex made, as art that he holds dear, and his focus isn't in your ex as a person, he may not know who you are.

Like, he might know your ex's musical CV, but not now where he grew up or who he's dated and so forth. He may have even seen pictures of you before (that does seem likely if he's read articles about your ex), but it's possible that he just hasn't made the connection

because people look different enough in person versus posing for media, and especially if he wasn't that interested in your ex's love life. I'm not saying this is likely in this case, but it is plausible.

Or maybe he knows or figured it out after a date or two, and is also nervous about how to handle this given that he genuinely likes you outside of his love for your ex's music. And he's a bit flabbergasted that you didn't say anything when he showed you his basement and is expecting you to bring this up tonight and is prepared that you won't want to date him.

Regardless of this, if you see him tonight, you have to tell him tonight and see how you feel about how he reacts and what he says. If your gut says something doesn't feel right, then trust it and end things. If he seems genuine and honest and he doesn't seem obsessed with your ex's personal life (just the art), then proceed with caution.

railalboy writes:

I would be a bit cautious about all of the statements on here that ‘he 100% knows’. Keep in mind that, obviously, people have no idea. They are just speculating.

It is perfectly plausible that he can be a fan of your ex’s work and not have researched his personal life. Personally, I cannot tell you anything about the relationships of musicians I am huge fans of. Just goes to personal interest.

If he has, to this point, not raised any red flags in your interactions; if he didn’t take you downstairs and do a “ta da” of his fan wall, then it is certainly reasonable to be curious and cautious, but think about whether it is to the point of going directly to breaking it off based on assumptions and Reddit reaction.

If your friend didn’t tell him who you were married to, and if she was the one who brought you two ‘together’ (as opposed to him asking if she would set you up), then it could very well be he just doesn’t know.

If you are truly into this guy, it would seem worth it to try and find out. Ask him about the fan wall (did you react to it or talk about it at all, or did he just legit show you his games room?) and what he knows about your ex.

Read his reaction. Tell him who you are and see what he says. If you are going to move forward, obviously you have to tell him anyway, but it seems unnecessarily risky to just end it because of the wall, and no other issues.

And now, OP's update (8 days later):

Well, after getting a HUGE range of answers (some of which were kind of frightening!), I decided to give the new guy the benefit of the doubt and go ahead with our dinner date that night. (Our fourth date).

So I met him at the restaurant and we had some wine first. We were just talking and chatting and I realized that I had to bring up the ex-husband thing. So while we were both two glasses of wine in I decided to just ask him flat out if he knew that I was previously married to his favorite musician.

He laughed nervously and said "Yes, I knew, but (my friend) didn't tell me. I figured it out. He told me essentially that he found out through the grapevine and he decided to start mingling with my friends so he could meet me. He told me that yes, at first it was just bc I was married to his idol, but that now he is really developing feelings for me.

I thought it was a little odd, but I felt fine with it, until I remembered his "man cave" basement. I asked him if he knew I was married to his favorite musician, then why tf would he bring me down there to show me all of the memorabilia.

His response was too weird for me. He said, "I was trying to see if you would confess."' I was like "confess to what!??" and he said to my being married to my ex.

I told him that I thought it was pretty concerning that he tried to trick me into some weird "confession" and that I didn't think we would work out. He accepted it and didn't seem upset or anything.

Dinner had already been served, so we started eating when he proceeded to bombard me with questions about my ex. "When is he releasing new material?" "What is his favorite band?" "What does he do during the day of a show?" "Is he vegan?"

"What's his mother's maiden name?" (okay, so I made up the LAST one lol) Blah blah blah. Finally he could sense my discomfort and we ended the dinner and parted ways.

He said he would text me the next day just as friends, which I said was okay. Well, his text the next day was trying to get him and his friends VIP PASSES when my ex comes near us to play. I did not respond and I blocked his number because he kept texting again and again, begging me for "the hookup." It was desperate and weird.

Anyway, I called my ex to "warn" him about this dude, even though he seems harmless. He doesn't know where I live, and I didn't get any psycho vibes. I think he just wanted me as a trophy as some user put in my last post.

TL;DR: It turns out the guy I was dating was way more into my (semi-famous) ex more than he was into me and he gave me weird vibes so I ended it, even as friends.