'AITA for divorcing during my husband's mental health crisis?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for divorcing during my husband's mental health crisis?"
Thought_Willing
Me (38F) and husband (38M), married since 2009 and we have a preteen daughter. Last 3 years have been really tough on us because of my husbands bad working conditions that started to effect his mental health. I noticed signs of burn-out and depression and brought up these concerns regularly to him. He was very dismissive and refused to see his situation and refused therapy.
He started becoming distant and often isolated himself and was regularly butting heads with our daughter. He eventually told me that he had met a woman at work. Their relationship was not, according to him, physical but he was in love with her and felt that she was his soulmate and best friend.
He said he was very sorry and that he could not decide which woman he would ultimately be happiest with. He spoke out about this at home whilst I was having the toughest time of my life. I cried alone over my dreams and plans, everything we had together.
He also told me that in order to clear his head, he would need to leave the house and spend some time on his own. THAT co-worker had offered him her spare room and he was going to take it.
I asked for his help organizing the rest of the school year as I was commuting and I promised him that as soon as the school year was over, I would look for an apartment closer to my work and me and our daughter will move out and he can have the house to himself for his healing.
I found an apartment almost immediately and we moved. He visited us one weekend a month and brought his chaos with him every time. The new home had become a safe haven that we cherished and he "took it over" as soon as he appeared, and it felt like I wasn't breathing until he finally left.
After 6 months of living like this, I decided I had given things enough time to mend and they had not, I was still hurt and bitter and he was still cagey about what was going on and what his ultimate decision really was.
I told him I was done living like this and that I wanted a divorce. He absolutely lost his mind and left and drove back to our old house in the middle of the night just to get away from me.
A week later he told me the co-worker is pregnant and he was angry that I didn't want to even try to fix our marriage. Since then, he has gotten increasingly more hostile and accusatory in his communication with me. He blames me for breaking up the marriage and abandoning him during his crisis.
He says he was not himself and has no idea why he did the things he did but that I was the one who left. He claims I was no help when he needed me and that I had clearly mentally abandoned our relationship long before (more than 3 years prior). He tells me I'm cold and calculating and clearly "not the person he thought I was".
I understand that he is not well, he finally did go to therapy. I explained a lot of his actions with that in mind at first. So AITA he claims I have become, taking his daughter away and leaving?
Here were top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Ieatclowns
Are you kidding me? The only mistake you made was letting him stay at your apartment every weekend! NTA! What a jerk he is.
pinkflower200
Yes! The husband is making excuses for his bad behavior. He wanted his cake and and eat it too. OP, you and your daughter deserve better.
Beck2010
You attempted to help him multiple times, and multiple times he shut you out. Instead of seeking help or getting a new job, your soon to be ex decided the correct path was an emotional affair that led to a physical affair. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about divorcing this guy.
NTA. Stop indulging him. Coordinate his visitation with your daughter through an app. Do not discuss anything else. Keep all communication written. Stop second guessing yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Four days later, the OP returned with another update.
Thought_Willing
I have been reading all the comments on the original post and tried to answer as many of the questions as I could. The original post can be found through my user page.
I wanted to write an update since my post seemed to raise some questions and also to thank you for your engagement on the post, it has meant a lot to me. You have given me good advice, some really good things to think about and some tough love and criticism I surely needed. Thank you so much.
The divorce is in process, and I have not seen him in person for some 4 months at this point. He mostly keeps radio silence until it seems he has to unload some hurt on me.
I’ve kept my contact to him to a minimum, only ever messaging him in things regarding our daughter or requesting him to react to official paperwork or to his electricity bills that I’ve transferred to him.
Due to the circumstances in which we started this separation originally, I paid most of his living expenses, mainly since I have a steady job and get paid double his salary. He is still very much incapacitated by his mental health issues, and I wanted to alleviate some of the practical matters for him.
Now that we are pulling everything apart, he has been (maybe purposefully) making this into a very slow and frustrating process. Currently I still pay for his electricity and he reimburses those bills for me at the end of each month, sometimes he needs “encouraging”.
Usually this leads to him messaging me all day, usually complaints on how I’m now raising our daughter, now that I have made him obsolete (his words). Telling me to “get a new dad” to help me with the job as soon as possible.
He seems to try very hard to push my buttons by saying things like “it must be very hard for you to send your daughter to someone who you loathe and hate so much” and if I make the mistake of losing my temper, even for one curse word, he will turn immediately and tells me to calm down, stop spitting acid and maybe we should continue our discussion when I’m not so wound up.
I have mainly chosen to not engage in these conversations if when they start going off the rails. I have all of his outbursts in writing. I’m also currently under the impression that the co-worker is not interested in a relationship with him anymore. And all of those who asked: yes, the baby is his by his own word. He still has not told our daughter about any of it. I have chosen to give him an ultimatum on the matter.
I will bring it up one more time when we have our official meeting with our Child Welfare Officer next month (that’s the official route where we live) and if he still refuses I will take it to myself to tell our daughter the truth. So many of you have encouraged me to do this for her sake and for the sake of our relationship and I thank you for sharing your experiences with me.
I have also contacted her school therapist and the curator and informed them of the issues she is facing now and the ones still to come. I’m hoping they will offer her some scheduled help since I know she is shy on telling me everything.
She is the most important thing in my life and as sorry as I am for her having to go through this essentially because of my choices, I refuse to take all the blame now, and I’m ready to shift it where it belongs.
Personally I’m a much happier person these days. I feel bursts of gratefulness and true happiness these days just by watching her eat her dinner and talk to me about her day at the dinner table, in our clean and peaceful home. Even my houseplants are thriving as silly as it sounds :D
I have finally opened up about all of this to some of my friends and my siblings and they have all been super supportive. And my siblings were clearly shocked but both did bring up that they are somehow not surprised it all went this way...
They seem to have seen things a bit more clearly from afar just like this community did. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I feel like my daughter and me are going to be just fine in the end.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Separate_Kick3186
Stop paying the electricity bill. Stop being sympathetic or empathetic with him. Do not engage. You need to do this for yourself, you owe that to yourself.
Thought_Willing (OP)
My friends have also told me to just drop the electricity contract from my plan and have him figure it out. Logically I know it takes one call for him to make a new contract. He gives me excuses I know are false but since I also know how passive his mental health issues have made him and how insurmountable small things can become.
I find it so difficult to do this and "go back on my word".. there is also the fear how making our currently bad relationship even worse will inevitably reflect on our daughter and getting through all the legalities. I can't wait until it's all done and dusted..
Consistent_Ad5709
I am glad that you're doing much better and you're focusing on you and your child. I agree with the others to stop paying for the electricity bill I know you understand his mental state but he's no longer your problem and he Definitely wasn't considerate of you at all.
Crazy the co-worker he messed up his marriage for doesn't even want him, And now he's got 2 babies he's gotta take care of so let him take care of stuff he needs to take care of.
He will continue being enabled by you and won't be able to handle any condition because he doesn't have to. Keep focusing on you and your baby, you're doing great I'm happy to hear you're doing better.
Three months later, the OP returned with another update.
Thought_Willing
It has been months since my original post and update. People were very nice to me and offered me really good advice and lot's of emotional support and needed criticism. I took a lot of it to heart and made good progress for my daughter and myself.
I finally separated the rest of our finances, stopped paying his bills and made official agreements on child support and custody which remained shared for now as he went back on his word to give it to me uncontested.
He did not agree to sign an official visitation agreement because "he cannot commit to it right now". I offered him every other weekend and half of all holidays. He has started to meet our daughter more often though since nowadays she actually visits him on her own free will. It seems that their relationship has gotten a bit better lately which I'm of course happy about.
He has been absolutely terrible towards me though. He started a campaign of passive aggressive texting after I asked him to be civil. Now every message is overly syrupy and filled with overflowing apologies.
I ignored this until he decided to talk to me face to face when we went to sign the agreements. He told me his therapist told him to talk to me "for closure" and speak his mind. So he did. He once again just explained to me how hard the last year has been and how I tore the marriage apart.
How he was not ready to accept this divorce and never will be. How nothing in his current life is what he wanted or asked for and considers it an insult if I congratulated him over the upcoming baby etc.
This felt really off considering he just had moved in with her affair partner. He originally tried to hide this too and was evasive but of course our daughter found out the next time she visited and also told me.
I know it is pointless but I felt I needed to say something too so I told him that he completely continues to ignore all my pain and the mental work I had to do over this whole thing and I can't help the fact that my love died in the process.
He says I didn't even try. He said even my parent's were more supportive of him, because they had exchanged pleasantries having met briefly a few weeks prior. His co-workers were more supportive than me.
I told him to look in the mirror and that his little passive aggressive game was so obvious. Clearly it hit home because he stopped immediately after. He has also been snooping over my "dating life" through our daughter and is very jealous (says so) and get's very verbally aggressive over it.
Now the thing that brought me back to you here tonight, is that despite my life having turned so much better in the last few months and me and my daughter have been happier than in a long while, I fell into an unexpected hole today.
He was supposed to have her over this weekend but ended up cancelling. The reason he gave me was different than what he gave our daughter so I knew he lied to someone.
Yesterday he blew up on me over texts that originally started as a discussion over our daughters visits. He started the same old song of me being so petty over such a minor thing as his "affair" that was apparently not even a real affair at first.
He wrote that my parents were right about me being "too sensitive". He knows how low of a blow this is since he has been supporting me through my issues with my parent's invalidating all of my gripes my whole life with "you are too sensitive".
I told him how low that was and that he does not get to quantify my pain and he totally lost his marbles to the point where I had to stop reading his messages because I was afraid I would start to cry in the office.
This morning our daughter runs to me crying happy tears and jumping of joy. Her father had sent her pictures of the newly born little sister. I congratulated the new official older sister and we gushed over the pictures a little.
Throughout the day my mood has just been awful. I've gotten messages from my family asking how I am (because daughter of course told everyone, which is totally ok) but it's starting to weigh on me. I have been tired and easily irritated. All of a sudden I felt like I had no one to talk to. No one who would really understand, someone unbiased. An adult to talk to.
Those have been my hardest moments in all of this. I lost my best friend when we fell apart and when ever I feel like I really need to open up and spill my heart, it reminds me of how alone I feel. Is it a normal reaction?
I have been fine and very emotionally cut off from him for so long and somehow the birth of this baby sent me into this sudden nosedive today.. I felt like I needed to tell all of this in my lowest point in a long while. So thank you for reading.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
HinejitaPokemon
It is, in my opinion, 100% normal. I'm so very sorry you had to, and continue to have to, deal with all of this. Of course you feel lonely, he was your best friend and husband.
And from what it sounds like, you don't really have a support system. No matter what someone puts you through, a part of you will always love and miss them even if you feel emotionally detached.
Sweaty_Win1832
NTA. Sounds like you made the best out of a bad situation & your life is in a much better place now. Even though you likely don’t want it to, the birth of your daughter’s little sister is bound to have an affect on you emotionally.
It appears you have handled everything very well, but I would encourage you to reflect & see if you have grieved the loss of your marriage, friend, and past life. Grief tends to sneak up & smack us in between the eyes when we’re not expecting it.
You are still progressing through a major life event. There will be some more ups & downs, for who knows how long. Taking a little break for yourself may also help. You sound like a very kind, rational, caring person. Good for you on handling this messy event with tact. It will make however you want to continue to move forward much easier. NTA. Just a decent human.
e9967780
I think you need a therapist to talk these things over if you don’t have one already. A group of friends to hang out and vacation or two to get out of town once in a while. Sooner you go NC with your ex obviously after your daughter is 18, better for you. Even now do not communicate with him more than a yes of no. Just keep it to very bare minimum just to keep your daughters safety in mind.
Nine months later, the OP returned with another update.
Thought_Willing
Hello dear redditors <3 It’s been a while since I posted an update but since some people have reached out to me still, I thought I’d make one. Honestly at this point I feel the title no longer fits as I have realised my error but I will keep it for clarity sake.
First of all, to everyone who offered help and advice or just reached out to give a virtual hug: thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. You can find my original post and updates from profile, they are my only posts.
I remember the last time I posted I was feeling a sudden setback due to my daughter’s little sister being born. My girl has been so happy over her and loves her dearly. I really hope the sister’s get to keep their relationship no matter what happens with their dad.
Most of my personal life is going great, I finally managed to save enough to buy us an apartment and have been busy renovating it. My work life is great, I really love my job and I got promotion which really helped on the house hunt.
And for my siblings and friends, they have truly saved me and my mental health during this journey. I’m very happy where I am in life and have no real drive to find a partner. Sometimes I do feel that I’m maybe a bit too jaded and harsh still when it comes to love.
I don’t like that but I guess it too will heal over time. All this “hurts” my ex as I get to hear after he hears from these things from our daughter. He wrote to me that it feels like he was dragging me back and his absence has now allowed me to thrive.
My ex- husband is not doing well. Of course all I hear of him is what he tells me and what my daughter tells me in passing. We had to make a new child support agreement as the one we made originally had a fixed period.
In that hearing I got to hear a lot about his current state of affairs and I have to say the new woman of the house is not playing around! She has made him pay all utilities and groceries and all miscellaneous household fixes, whilst she just pays her home loan. I was impressed.
He did complain during the hearing that he barely has money for going to therapy as it is, and when it turned out that the child support had been miscalculated last time (state paid for him) he went into total despair over the amounts.
He started messaging me right after the hearing and implied he no longer has money for therapy and that I should know that he is the only breadwinner in the house, and that he will not be able to have her daughter over so much now since she eats like a horse and he can’t afford it.
I reminded him she eats on the 26 other days of the month too, not just the 2 weekends she spends with him.. This summer he agreed to have her over for a few weeks during his holiday because I agreed he wouldn’t have to pay child support for that month. The situation is sad and it’s not getting better.
The last straw for me came a few weeks ago when we she was spending time at his place. He had already picked a fight a few days prior but I had refused to engage so he “stormed out”, meaning he left my last message unread for 3 days.
The silent treatment I used to get when we were still together was exactly like this too. He clearly had been building up steam during those days and then all of a sudden blew up my phone with message after message telling me how “bad I was at this”, meaning arguing I assumed, and twisting everything I had said into a version that made me look like a total an AH.
I once again refused to engage and told him that this no longer concerns me and he should find someone else to argue with. That angered him so that he swapped tactic and told me that he had shown our daughter these messages to prove that I am not so “nice I pretend to be”.
That got me from zero to furious in an instant, though not for the reasons he implied. I told him that this was hands down the most selfish thing he could have done and that this is his daughter he is damaging with this behaviour.
I told him I’m absolutely done with him and I will not be in contact with him anymore apart from issues directly related to our daughter and her matters. He then totally swapped personality, it felt like, and started with these really whiny self-pitying “why are you being so mean to me” -messages that he then topped with “I still love you”s and other weird BS.
I was no longer answering so the last message he sent was to say that he infact had NOT shown her any of my messages and that “my sanctity was intact”. I went to pick up my daughter the next day as I felt really uneasy and really needed to personally be there. And maybe I could get her to talk to me during the car ride if he had been talking “his truths” again.
And as we took a pit stop and had some ice cream, she quietly asked me to “please don’t take me away from dad..” My heart absolutely broke, I asked her why would she think that and she revealed to me that my ex-husband had told her about our custody disagreements in the form of “mommy wants full custody”.
I explained to her that even if I had full custody it would not take visitation if it was deemed to be good for her. She said she wanted her dad to be there for her school graduation and I said her father has all the rights in the world to be at the school event and all she needed to do was to make sure she invited him. And I know this will now work in my favour and not his.
I have invited him to her birthday parties too and he never comes (I haven’t told her this). Now I made sure that she knows I’m not against any of this and by making sure SHE invites him, he can now make his excuses directly to her. Part of me hates having to be in this war at all, but I feel like he leaves me no choice.
A few days later she asked me why I am so mean to daddy.. I asked her why does she think that and she revealed that dad had shown her some of my messages.. So yes, his last message to me was once again a lie.
Now as many of you have been warning me, this is parental alienation and downright mental abuse on her. I called the local CPS to ask for advice on how to proceed and if I should file a complaint on him and what would follow.
My daughter has already been seeing the school counsellor and as she has now started in a new school I will be seeking the same help from there too, for them to evaluate and refer her to therapy.
I was told by the CPS worker that this will be documented and that I should weigh now the possible consequences. They are totally for me filing an official complaint but as we have shared custody what will follow is a session for both parties individually for a discussion and then evaluation on the severity of the situation.
The CPS worker said that 2 things can happen: he takes it to heart because someone else brings it up, or he gets mad and makes our already strained communication even worse and possibly retaliates. Knowing him, it’s the latter.
They also told me that if I get more evidence on him manipulating our daughter then I should just file anyway. Like I have mentioned before, all our communication is in writing and I have saved all of it.
So I’m currently torn between trying to figure out what kind of damage my poor daughter will have.. the trauma of being cut from her father and little sister or the trauma of being mentally manipulated against another parent and being used as ammunition in a war that is not her making.
Whichever it will be I know she will blame me and that probably is my just punishment too, I failed to protect her. And to those who say I should not protect my ex and just tell her everything.. it’s not him I’ve been trying to protect but her.
She should not be in this situation but I admit, due to his actions, here we are now anyway. He mocked me for being so naïve that I really though amicable co-parenting was stuff that people can do.. well I sure can’t do it alone.
And children are very perceptive, she knows her father “got another woman pregnant” as she puts it. But she is also being fed this weird narrative by her dad where I clocked out of that marriage years ago and was just pretending and “all he needed was a hug” .
But I turned my back on him and abandoned him like I “abandoned my parents” because I just couldn’t “get over it” like everybody else on this planet could. All his words from his rant messages. And she does talk to me still so I can verify he does really tell these things to her.
So here we are, the good, the bad, and the batshit insane. All I hope is that can make the right decision for my daughter and that she could grow to be a healthy and happy adult. If that requires her to come to me one day and ask for me to justify the things I did and said, then I’m happy to have that conversation with her. Thank you everyone for your messages, support and criticism <3
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final update:
WearyYogurtcloset589
He takes his frustration out on you because he can't do it to his new woman.
She makes him pay all the bills,but when the 2 of you were together you paid for most things. The crappy behavious that you entertained throughout your marriage his AP refuses to,hence he harasses you because he can't take it out on her.
peanutandbunnie
Separated in August, affair baby was born in November yet he still blames OP for tearing apart their marriage? The guy is an aboslute menace.
Gwynasyn
My blood pressure rose to unhealthy levels reading some of the shit that utter AH of an ex kept pulling. OP needs to get the court to manage they both communicate solely through those apps that divorced parents can use to limit ask discussions to only issues about the kids and nothing else.
AquaticStoner1996
Man, what a soul sucking human being. The fact that he's started involving their daughter in the manipulations is just downright pathetic and snakey. At least OP is taking steps to ensure that he has to report his canceled invites directly to the daughter though. It does show he's canceling. I hope this ends for her soon, how stressful.