'AITA for divorcing my husband for being infertile?' 'I want to be a mom.'

"AITA for divorcing my husband for being infertile?"

I (29F) have been with my husband (29M) for six years, married for three. We both come from family oriented backgrounds and have always wanted kids. We're financially stable and can provide a child an amazing life. We've officially started trying for a baby in early 2023.

After months of nothing I started to get worried. I wanted to get our fertility checked then but he said I was being a worry rat and let's wait a year of trying before we get any testing. A year was in February, and I scheduled our testing then.

The results shocked us. We were both ignorant and assumed I was the one with the issue if there was one. I mainly see women talking about being infertile so it didn't cross our mind it could be something else. The doctor calls us and in one of the worst days of our lives tell us that my husband has a condition called azoospermia, meaning he has no sperm.

In his case they say that the surgery to extract directly from his testicle doesn't seem that it will yield high results but it wouldn't hurt to try. My husband and I were devastated. I wanted us to explore all routes. Him taking the medication and getting the surgery, and if that fails either a sperm donor or adoption.

I understand this is life changing news especially for my husband, but since February he's refused to do anything about it. He said he doesn't want to take meds and get the surgery if it will be a waste like the doctor thinks.

That using a sperm donor makes him feel emasculated and he doesn't want to raise my child with another mans DNA (even if it's from a relative of his) and that adoption isn't something he's ever wanted. I have no one to talk to about this in real life since he doesn't want his diagnosis out there.

It's been affecting me really bad mentally. There's nothing more I want than to be a mom. I've begged him to go to therapy and he refuses saying he accepts it, I'm the one that isn't. Every time I try to start a conversation he shuts it down by saying that we will never have a child together, he will never be able to be a "real" dad so to move on.

I know what I want for myself. That's motherhood. I am willing to go down any avenue to motherhood but he doesn't want to. I realized this past summer that he's right, we will never have a child together. I had one final conversation with him since he avoids the topic like the plague last night.

I sat him down and said I empathize with him about this life changing diagnosis, and that he doesn't want to get the surgery which I respect, or use a donor or adopt. But that I want to be a mom and I'm not getting any younger. And if he isn't willing to explore any avenue or go to fertility therapy, than I want a divorce.

He broke down saying he can't believe I would be willing to walk away from our marriage over this. That if the shoe was on the other foot he would never leave me for being infertile. He says I'm a horrible person and that I'm punishing him for something he can't control.

I told him it's not for being infertile I can work with that, but that's it's because he's refusing to go down any route to become a parent knowing that's something we've both wanted. He says that I never loved him otherwise I would never contemplate divorce over kids that don't exist yet.

He cried about it afterwards and refused for me to console him. I feel so horrible. But what else can I do? Continue begging him to change his mind or speak to a professional? He only wants bio kids and refuses to do the surgery because it's too much prep (Daily vitamins: meds, no hot showers, etc). AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Oop_awwPants said:

He refuses to adopt, refuses to look into donor sperm, refuses to try any medical intervention. He refuses to even talk about it. It's not about him being infertile, it's about him being completely unwilling to understand your feelings, much less try to find a compromise to save your marriage.

allthecrazything said:

Kids are sadly a dealbreaker for most. I’ve walked away from many relationships because I don’t want them and the other person does. In a way this situation is the same, he’s not open to children another way, so sadly your life goals no longer align.

It’s obviously devastating for you both but if you stay, you will resent him and probably leave later in life, without an easy path to children then. NTA and I’m so sorry for you.

410Writer said:

First off, infertility is a hell of a curveball, and it’s clear you’re not divorcing him because he’s infertile, but because he’s essentially slammed the door on all options. That's a big difference.

It’s not that you’re punishing him for something he can’t control—you’re drawing a line because he’s refusing to control what he can. You’ve got dreams, and he’s ghosting them harder than the internet hides good content.

If he’s not willing to roll up his sleeves and fight for your future family, you’re not the ahole for wanting to find someone who will. It’s time to ask yourself if you should sacrifice your happiness for someone who won’t even try.

peakpenguins said:

NTA. You want to be a mom, and he doesn't want to use any of the options available to him. Not much more you can do.

bowlofweetabix said:

NTA it isn’t about him being infertile, it’s about him effectively changing his mind about having children.

WhereWeretheAdults said:

NTA. He has left you no other option. I'm sorry OP.

RedHolly said:

NTA. Sounds like he would have wanted you to take the shots and do IVF if the shoe was on the other foot. But heaven forbid someone touch his juju beans for two seconds so that you can carry a child for 9 months then labor for hours, or even days, all to give birth to his biological child, the ONLY kind he will accept.

FFS he’s a total douche and cares more for his precious little furry gumballs than your emotions and desires for a child. Move on now while you can.

abbybaby2805 said:

NTA, he’s not willing to explore any other options and it’s selfish of him to expect you to give up on your dreams of being a mother because you’re looking at different options that he’s not willing to.