'AITA for divorcing my husband because he spent 10 minutes in the car during a family emergency?'
"AITA for divorcing my husband because he spent 10 minutes in the car during a family emergency?"
Charming_Passage3440
I (f) have been married to my husband (m) for 2 years. He has a habit of sitting in the car 5-10 minutes before entering the house. I don't know why he does it, but he talked about a past traumatic experience he had when he came home and caught his ex cheating on him.
Because of that he'd just spend few minutes in his car before he enters his home as response to his trauma. Now I won't say that he's wrong in coping with what happened but this has made me feel uneasy and it had caused many fights between us. Like when we have guests he'd sit outside before coming in, or when dinner is waiting on him and he'd take 10 minutes silently sitting in the car.
I was worried that something might come up and he does not respond properly. And it happened last week. My 8-year-old son tripped and fell from the stairs and broke his ankle.
He was in so much pain and I called my husband to come take him to the hospital and he rushed out of work but then I called and called and then I was stunned when I looked out the window and I saw him sitting outside the house in his car.
I was both shocked and angry. I ran outside and I asked how long he was sitting in the car. He told me around 8 minutes. I asked why he didn't come into the house immediately to help and he said he would after 2 more minutes.
I was so mad and hurt. I tried to rush him and he insisted he wouldn't feel "comfortable" coming in until the 10 minutes were up. He told me to get my son ready to take him to the hospital, but I started screaming at him nonstop telling him this was a family emergency and that he was out of his mind to behave like that.
It might not have been my best response but I was shocked by his behavior and quite concerned because...I had this situation always stuck in the back of mind thinking what my husband do when there's a family emergency.
I ended up taking my son by myself when my neighbor intervened and offered to take us. We went to the hospital and later my husband came and tried to talk to me but I refused.
I then went to stay with my mom and texted him that I wanted a divorce. He tried to rationalize and justify what he's done saying he could not help it and that he was nervous and wanted to help my son but felt stuck.
I refused to reply to his messages and days later his family literally harrassed me saying I was making my husband's trauma more severe and that I disrespected his boundaries by pushing him off his limits.
I feel lost and unable to think because of the whole ordeal. My family are with me on this but they can be biased sometimes. My husband is still trying to basically talk me out of divorce saying I'm making a huge deal out of it.
I feel like I no longer have trust in him especially when it comes to serious stuff like how cold he acted in a family emergency. Also, to clarify, that my son isn't his biological son. We don't have kids together.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
purple_sun_
It sounds like he is stuck in a compulsive behaviour. He needs to find a professional to help him address it. It’s going to be tough, especially as he let you down when you needed him. I bet he feels really bad about the situation.
Ps I hope your son is doing ok.
osteomiss
This, the "it must be 10 minutes" is the flag. And he needs professionals to address that with him.
Famous-Fun-1739
Yeah, that’s not a straight up “need time to prepare myself mentally” or “transitions are hard, I’m gonna finish listening to this song to delay having to move from A to B”…. that’s “10 minutes is the magic number because if I walk in before that, I’m gonna find my wife cheating on me.”
It’s not rational and needs professional intervention. If he’s not willing to get that then he’s made his choice. NAH, though. Sounds like a mental health problem. Doesn’t have to be your problem if it’s impeding your ability to look after your child.
Test-Subject-593
If he can't get past his "my ex cheated on me" trauma to help a child who broke his ankle he needs therapy. It's already caused "many fights" so if he refuses therapy do what you gotta do. NTA.
Dashcamkitty
I'd understand more if his trauma was to do with walking in on violent burglars but this is just ridiculous behaviour. How can the OP trust him around her child?
wtw4
I mean he could have just called and said, "I'm outside." I have no idea if OP could lift the child, but it doesn't seem like he actually had to go inside, making his ritual kind of pointless. He's never swung by the house to pick you up before? He's never forgotten anything in the house and had to go back?
He waits 10 minutes every time? If the trauma response is that serious than I do feel bad for him, but this obviously makes him a liability. And I'm not even sure it makes sense to me, if someone is cheating what is 10 minutes supposed to do?
Kip_Schtum
I’m just picturing him collapsed on the floor having a heart attack and she calmly looks at her watch and says she needs to wait 10 minutes because she was traumatized by him not helping their son in an emergency. He clearly needs professional help and if it was me I’d make it a condition of continuing the relationship. NTA.
Iowa_Hawkeyes4516
If he can't get past this when someone is having an emergency, it's seriously impacting his life and needs to see a mental health professional. I understand your frustration, concern, and how this is in a sense a very serious straw that broke the camels back.
If I was in your situation, I would consider divorce only if he refuses to get help. You've been more than understanding when it's stuff that's not as big of a deal like dinner being ready.
But, in medical emergencies he needs to be able to either work through his discomfort or be okay with being uncomfortable since he doesn't have a diagnosis of a mental health issue and won't see a doctor. It's not acceptable or fair to you or your family to put someone else at risk because he would feel uncomfortable walking into the house.