'AITA for divorcing my husband when we just married 4 months ago?'
"AITA for divorcing my husband when we just married 4 months ago?"
Unfortunately for this post not to be a short novel, I have to leave a lot of things out. But the main thing is that my husband (33M) and I (33F) lived in different countries when we met. (Important to note is that I am also a citizen of that country, so even though I’ve never lived there I do know a lot about the country and the living situation.)
We both had good jobs and I insisted he moves here because the country I live in is a better place to live, to start a family and has a lot more security etc. I never asked him to just leave his job and gave him time to find the same position here. He agreed and actually found a good job, same position he already had. So he quit his job and moved here.
A few months later we had the wedding party in his country as his family and a lot of mine live there. When I look back, my relationship with my husband has been very messy from the early days.
However, after the wedding, everything went downhill. We had been fighting after the wedding but did spend those days together. The day we were flying back home we parted ways in the morning and both went to our respective families’ home to pack etc.
Our flight was after midnight so around the time we had to leave I had not heard anything from him so I sent him a text and checked his location. I saw that he was on his way to the airport. I called him and also went to the airport.
There we met up and had a fight and did not talk during the flight. When we landed we were closer by to my parents’ house (who were not back yet), so the initial idea was to go there first to rest and then to the city we live.
However, when in the car he told the friend who picked us up to drop him at the train station. He had not discussed this with me first. So he left and I stayed at my parents’ and told him that after this he would not see me again and blocked him everywhere.
After a few days he sent me an email that he would come to talk the next day. He came and we had a long talk. In the end we decided to give it a try so we went home together.
However, the weeks after that he was putting in zero effort. I tried to talk to him multiple times. He told me he was unhappy at his job and that I didn’t support him enough. He told me he wanted to go back.
I also felt alone because he never sincerely showed he felt bad for leaving to the airport by himself and then leaving me behind after the flight. To add to that he refused to look at our wedding pictures and videos (he still hasn’t to this day) and told me that because he is so depressed with work he cannot find the space in his head to show his love to me.
I tried to be patient but I felt so alone in the relationship and in the end I exploded. I told him 1.5 months ago that maybe we should divorce. I know I am in the wrong here and I should’ve tried to approach it differently. But then I learned that 2 days after that, he called his old job to try to go back.
At this moment he is still waiting for an answer. He does expect me to come with him because he left everything and came here for me. We live in the same house, but he is doing nothing to improve or save the marriage.
In the end I became so fed up that I told him I was going to start the divorce procedure and asked him if he wanted to do it together or separately. This is just a fraction of what happened in this relationship, but he now tries to make me the bad guy.
He says that he left everything behind and came here and I won’t do the same (debatable because he did not even take a step back in his career, earns more money now and I might not even find a suitable job if I move).
There are a lot of reasons why I don’t trust him enough to leave everything behind and go with him, but one the most important reasons is that he lied to me multiple times about his financial situation.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Yes divorce him.
I’m going to assume this was a long distance relationship that has basically gone tits up when you actually got together. Yes, divorce him and meet someone you can physically see and touch rather than just sharing text messages.
DeliveryRemote7917 (OP)
Yes it started as an LDR, but we visited each other regularly and sometimes stayed for more than 1 month. We aren’t LDR anymore since 8 months.
There is something he's not telling you. There is a reason he doesn't want to leave his country even though he agreed at the beginning. I would leave if he's not willing to unpack what's bothering him. Does he speak the language of the country you live in?
DeliveryRemote7917 (OP)
He says it is because his job and social life there were more fulfilling and more fun. He misses his friends a lot, he hung out with them practically everyday. As for the language, no he doesn’t. But he does speak English and that is enough for his job and daily life. Basically everyone here can speak/understand English and there are a lot of expats.
Where did he go after he ditched you from the plane & what did he do? I don't think I could trust him. Yes, he left home to try living in your country, but it doesn't seem like he tried very hard or for very long & he just blames you or his job for his unhappiness. I vote to let him leave & go back to his country & just go through with the divorce.
From what you've written, you didn't mention being happy in the marriage even once, he's constantly disappointing & aggravating you, so why bother? Do they have annulments there? If so, perhaps it'd be easier to just get an annulment & dissolve the marriage, it hasn't been very long, there's no funds or property to split.
DeliveryRemote7917 (OP)
He went to the temporary place we had until we found our rental home. He most likely was there working. You’re right, I don’t think he really tried and kept blaming me for ‘forcing him’ to come here.
There have been happy moments, but a lot of the times we were miserable true. I don’t think annulment is an option, but the divorce can be quick and easy because there is indeed no property or funds to split.
NTA. Divorce him. There are so many issues so early on and he clearly doesn't have the want or ability to invest in your relationship together. He already resents you and if you leave then you'll resent him.