"AITA for divorcing over my birthday gift?"
I (40)f recently hit this milestone back in August. I had given a year’s notice to my husband of 20 years that I wanted a party, trip, or something big for my birthday. We do not have financial issues. Two weeks before my birthday we got in a fight and he said he was going to cancel my birthday trip.
Come to find out he didn’t have a trip planned at all, he had only googled flights. The weekend before my birthday is when we typically celebrate and I was getting ready for my birthday dinner when I saw him laying on the couch and he asked where I was going. I then realized he had no reservations or anything planned.
My actual birthday was on Tuesday in the morning of he bought me flowers, coffee and a Groupon. Yes, a Groupon. I was devastated. He defends his actions and said he had the whole day planned including lunch with my kids that day, but I had already scheduled my own massage and he said he wanted going to take me out to dinner solo but that’s not how I wanted to celebrate.
I called my friends and they took me out for a drinks instead. I told him that buying a Groupon for your wife of 20 years on her 40th birthday is insulting and I want a divorce. With tears in his eyes, he said, let me make it up to you. A week later was our anniversary. No card, no dinner, no gift.
It’s been four months and I bring it up often. I cry and tell him it’s really important that he makes this up. It’s not so much about the gift but about the effort. He won’t even take me on an actual date night. I’ve completely pulled back from the marriage and I’m putting zero effort in but I’m ready to divorce after 20 years of marriage over this. Is it petty to divorce him over this? AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
fzooey78 said:
You aren't divorcing him over this. This is the last straw in a string of disappointments in your 20 year marriage.
Strong_Bridge9845 said:
I have been married for 20 years. Yesterday my husband told me, "I've already ordered your new book." I hadn't asked for it, and I didn't even know that one of my favorite authors had released a book. He saw it and did it, just like that. You don't get divorced over a trivial thing; you get divorced over a lifetime of disappointments.
Ok-Concert-6475 said:
NTA. You aren't divorcing over a (lack of) a birthday gift. You are divorcing over his unwillingness to put thought or effort into anything.
HelpfulPersimmon6146 said:
NTA. You have begged him for a year to do something to make you happy, and then a chance to make it up four months later. Go talk with the attorney, start the separation.
miyuki_m said:
NTA. It's not petty to divorce someone who refuses to put real effort into showing you that he values you and cares about what's important to you. He knew he screwed up but he thinks if he tells you how badly he (supposedly) feels, you'll just let him off the hook. Don't.
He had an entire year to come up with plans and he failed. He even preemptively tried to blame you, saying he canceled everything because of the fight. He lied. Why would you stay married to someone who lies to you and makes promises he won't keep? Why would you stay with someone who doesn't want to celebrate you?
dorothyzbornak71 said:
NTA. Move on. He didn't even fix it when he said he would make it up to you. I'd have moved out already.
witchbrew7 said:
If he cared, he would have done something for your birthday and anniversary. He didn’t care to. You will not change him.
StupendusDeliris said:
NTA- friend, this isn’t a ‘I’m divorcing you over Groupon.” You are begging and pleading and crying with for your Husband of 20 years to show more effort than “crap, her birthday, card and flowers and a fit card. Perfect!”
He needs to be so for real. You were asking him for some love and appreciation and he couldn’t do that. I won’t even say he could barely do it because he didn’t even do the bare minimum of a god damn cake.
You were specific with your wants and needs. He said f it. You gave him a SECOND chance to make your birthday up. He said f it. You gave him a third shot with setting up your anniversary for you guys. He said f it.
Babe, he’s really saying “ you.” Does he really want to be married to you? Could he act like it then? Can he be happy and appreciative that he’s had a woman by his side for 20 years? Celebrate her on her day of birth? Their day of marriage?