'AITA for not doing as much for my daughter who chose to start a family across the country?'
"AITA for not doing as much for my daughter who chose to start a family across the country?"
I have 2 daughters: Emma (28) & Lizzie (25).
Emma went to college across the country and upon graduating, got a job and stayed there. She’s now married with a 2 year old son. I did a lot of the “mother of the bride” stuff via FaceTime, as due to my work schedule and financials, I couldn’t fly out there for everything. So, for example, I FaceTimed into the dress shopping.
I did fly down 2 weeks prior to the wedding to help get everything ready. When Emma was pregnant, I kept talking to her friends planning it, asking them to tell me when it was, so I could take enough time off work. Emma ended up changing the date and there was no way I could afford to fly out on top of taking time off, especially to be there after the baby was born (as Emma wanted).
So, once again, FaceTime to the rescue. I flew in and was there for her induction and stayed 2 weeks after. I have flown out to visit 4 times since, Emma has came to me 3 times. I do talk to Emma on the phone at least once a day, I FaceTime my grandbaby, etc.
I am not physically present, but I want to be emotionally present as possible. Emma and I discuss everything and she often says she’s glad we still have a close relationship.
Lizzie went to a state school and moved back to our town after graduating. Therefore, I was able to physically be there for all of the big wedding moments, along with her pregnancy. I was at her baby shower. As she now lives down the street, I see her, her husband, and their now 1 year old daughter at least 4-5 days a week. I watch the baby so they can go on date nights. We are very close.
Emma and her family flew out for Lizzie’s daughter’s birthday. I watched both kids so their parents could have separate date nights. I got to do more for my grandson, which I loved. I took him on outings just us. I got to spend some one on one time with Emma too. I thought it was a really nice visit.
However, after returning home, Emma didn’t reach out nor respond to my attempts at contact for 2 weeks. When she finally did, I asked her if everything was alright. She said that being back in town made her realize just how much I do for Lizzie and her husband. She said that I am way more active, that I don’t visit her enough, etc.
I reminded her that I don’t have the money nor the time off to fly out often. I wish more than anything I did. I miss her and my grandson. Emma told me that I clearly have a favorite grandchild and I should spend more time with him. I kept trying to find ways I could do more from a distance, but she kept rebuffing them and saying the only way to make it better would be to visit more.
I finally asked what she expected to happen when she decided to start a family cross country. I am so proud of her and all she’s accomplished. I supported the move. But, she also is aware of my situation. It’d be one thing to say “hey, it sucks we can’t see each other more!” But she can’t move far away and expect everyone to come to her, when they financially can’t.
Emma and I ended the call. I have since tried to talk to her, check on her mental health, etc. She refuses to talk about anything deeper than her day to day and the little one. She told her father (my ex), who lives closer to her. He called me to say that I was wrong to tell her this, and that I should’ve just let her keep laying into me. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA NTA NTA. I wonder if she isn't having a bit of buyers regret. It's exciting to go away, be independent and start your adult life. Your great adventure. Now that she has a kid, being an adult just got real.
Do you think she's more than a bit jealous of the closeness your daughter and and grandchild have? It's a big advantage to have grandparents to be there and help. It sucks for everyone, but she shouldn't blame you, it's on her.
What's keeping her where she is now? Just a job? Does her husband have family there? Don't be surprised if your daughter and family end up living back nearer you within a year of so. That's what our daughter did.
I doubt they’re going to move back. They both have amazing jobs in their city, ones that wouldn’t transfer to our area. It’s why she wanted to go to college out there, as there’s more career opportunities in her dream field. They genuinely love their lives and the atmosphere out there. She is a city girl, too big for this small town. She’s said it herself numerous times.
Tell your ex that unless he's offering to help you financially to be there more, he needs to shut his mouth and stay out of it.
NTA. Your daughter put herself in this position. That’s on her, not you. You spoiled her baby while she visited you, so that tells me if you lived near her you would do the same thing. She should’ve stayed near you if she wanted that.
She wants you to visit her often then she needs to start buying your plane tickets . She moved across country and expects you to fly out often is wild plane tickets aren't cheap especially in this economy now nothing is cheap NTA
City girls live city lives. Her expectations are pretty unreasonable, she needs to let go of her small town mentality expecting her child to be raised by her village. Actually, I am surprised she is not paying for your flights, sounds like it would be well within her means. Anyway, you are NTA. You have a daughter close by, so that is still nice.