'AITA for doing a group Halloween costume with my stepdaughters?'

"AITA for doing a group Halloween costume with my stepdaughters that their mother doesn't approve of?"

I (35F) am the stepmother to two lovely ten year old twin girls who I adore. I have been married to their father (38M) for five years and we dated for two years before that. I consider myself very close to them and we always have fun whenever they stay with me and their father.

They recently asked what kinds of movies I watched when I was their age so it led to me digging out some old classics most notedly the Parent Trap. Of all the older movies I showed them this one was their favorite I think they got a kick out of seeing a movie about twins.

They even delighted in the fact that in their opinion I look like Meredith Blake (it's the hair I think no way am I as gorgeous as Elaine Hendrix). It has become an inside joke of us with me often putting on her voice and acting the part while they fall into hysterical giggles. My husband has even gotten into it and playing the clueless Nick when we get into this playful spirit.

The girls are staying with us for Halloween, they alternate who has them on holidays and whoever has them for Halloween is in charge of the costume. The girls asked if I would do a group costume with them I was touched and told them of course, and asked them what they wanted to do.

I should have seen it coming, they wanted to do the Parent Trap, with them as the girls and me as Meredith. I found it harmless and agreed. My husband found it funny and said he'd even dress as Nick then.

I got a call from their Mother today telling me she'd heard of the costume and she didn't approve that she felt it wasn't appropriate. I at first was touched and assumed she worried about their stepmother being portrayed as a wicked gold digger and told her it was fine it was just an inside joke that had occurred that sparked this.

That wasn't the issue, she didn't think it was appropriate for me to do a group costume with her daughters at all and that it was clearly lazy and I was forcing it as why else would her daughters want to do a costume from an old movie?

I got rather upset here but tried to stay calm on the phone and I told her she might not approve but it was harmless and I'd been in the girls life for 7 tears at this point. My husband who was in the room during the call could see I was getting upset so took the phone off of me and began to get into it with his ex-wife.

Telling her that she could have all the issues she wanted but it was an entirely proper costume for their age and it had been the girls who suggested it. Reminding her it was up to him what they dressed as this year and he'd approved of it. I got him to calm down as he was getting upset and the call ended rather tersely.

I just feel awful about this whole thing and I wonder if I should just bow out of matching the girls in costume if it will prevent further problems. I just know this will be a bigger thing down the line.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Final-Dirt-5250 said:

NTA. The girls' mother isn't upset about the costume; she's upset that her daughters love you enough to want to do a group costume with you. This is 100% about her own jealousy and insecurity. Don't back down. The girls asked you, and it would hurt them if you pulled out now because their mom threw a fit.

bindobud said:

NTA and I'm sorry that anybody makes you believe you're "only" their stepmother. You're part of their family, and one that engages with them and cares for them - which is everything they so desperately need in childhood, especially coming from separated parents.

Clearly the girls enjoy the movie, they requested the costume, and they love you enough to want you to be a part of it. You have nothing to be guilty about, and I think the mother definitely needs to consider why she thinks it'd be inappropriate, because I think it would be more confusing for the girls if you DIDN'T participate with them when you're all hanging out for Halloween.

They're not stupid, they know mum and dad fight. But the less they are dragged into being a part of that fight, the better off they'll be.

CiaranChan said:

NTA. You've clearly been a positive influence in those girls' lives and being rewarded accordingly by them wanting to spend time with you in a fun way. Saying no to them would definitely send the wrong signal, as you are clearly a part of their family.

It sounds like their birth mother is simply jealous that you're becoming a more defined maternal figure in their lives as they get older and get to make more thought-through decisions on who they look up to.

Old_Fart_on_pogie said:

NTA - whatever issues the ex wife has, I doubt it has anything to do with costumes. Sounds like something else is up with her.

HazelTheRah said:

NTA. Step back from talking to their mother. This shouldn't be your fight at all. Their father should be talking to her. If he approves of the costume, do it. Unless the children are at risk, she has no say what goes on in your home. Especially with something as harmless as this.

mecegirl said:

NTA. Document all of this. Get her to admit via text. Just in case she does try something and your husband has to go to court over it.

CapoExplains said:

NTA. There's nothing inappropriate about the costume, she's just having a really unhealthy response to her daughters having a good positive relationship with their stepmother, a thing that should make her very happy because it means they're being well cared for when they're not with her. It's just jealousy, plain and simple.