'AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?' CONCLUDED
"AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?"
I (34F) have no contact with my stepmother “Mary.” Long story not worth explaining (edit: I loosely explained in a comment). It’s been 5 years since I cut her off from my and my family’s lives.
As such, she hasn’t seen my son (8M) since he was 3 years old, and she’s never met my daughter (4F). Throughout the years, she has attempted to contact me and my kids several times.
My father used to help her sometimes. He’d tell me how awful she felt, how much she wanted to meet my daughter and that the kids needed their grandma (I’ve never considered her a grandparent, as both my mother and mother-in-law are active in their lives).
Several fights later, my father apologized and stopped assisting her, but Mary still tries to get in touch with me every now and then. I always state I have no interest in seeing her or allowing her to be a part of my children’s lives.
My son’s birthday was in September. The day of (neither of my kids were home), a large box was delivered to our building. I opened it to find more than a dozen new toys for my children, along with a note that read “Grandma Mary loves you both.”
As I later found out, she had bought the toys on a recent trip to the US. I couldn’t think of that as anything besides a manipulation tactic. My children are barely aware that she exists, why would she send them both a box full of toys on my son’s birthday?
I also think she planned the delivery for a time she thought the kids would be home so that they’d see the toys immediately. Either way, my husband and I decided not to keep any of the toys. We donated them all throughout October. The kids never saw any of them.
Last week, my father called me. He said Mary had just told him about the toys and wanted to know whether the kids liked them. I told him the truth, and we had an argument.My father called me cruel and ungrateful for what I did.
He said he understands Mary and I don’t get along, but she still cared enough to spend hundreds of dollars on a “loving gesture” for my children, and the least I could have done was let them know about it. I honestly couldn’t imagine keeping those toys, but I’d be lying if I said the amount of money spent on them didn’t make me feel guilty. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
igortsen
"She was horrible to me when I was young because I refused to pretend she was my mother." How was she horrible to you? What did she do?
SMGiftsThrowA (OP)
To name a few things she did:
• Mary tried to convince my father to make me stop eating dinner so that I'd lose weight.
• She made several detrimental comments about my body while I was going through puberty.
• Whenever me or my sister got sick, she’d claim we were faking it (neither of us ever faked an illness). I once got sick while home alone with her, and it took me throwing up three times before she agreed to call my father. On one occasion, my sister got sick and she pretended to get sicker.
• Whenever my sister and I failed to accomplish something, she’d insult our intelligence. Whenever we succeeded, we had “gotten lucky.”
• We weren’t allowed to say anything even remotely negative about Mary, or she’d have a breakdown. I once said she looked more like one movie character than another and she started crying. I was 12, and this was the same woman who implied I was fat on an almost daily basis.
I don't like talking about this (though therapy has been helping), which is why I didn't give examples originally.
AssistanceOk3669
I mean I do kind of want to know the story lol. Of course NTA, no contact means no contact. You didn't ask her to spend money on gifts that shouldn't have been sent.
FloMoJoeBlow
NTA. It is indeed a manipulation tactic.
FiFi2789
NTA and the dad is STILL in on it, he's just changed tack so he doesn't get cut off too. Time to snippety snip snip.
Awkward_Light4491
That’s exactly why it is manipulation. It is meant to make you feel guilty. And it is trying to establish a relationship with your children without your approval. Just ignore the drama and live a peaceful life.
Existing_Winter5679
NTA. Mary's the manipulative dumb@$$ who spent all that money for children she's not allowed contact with. Not your problem.
Ok_Historian_646
NTA. NTA. NTA!!!!!!! Mary knew exactly what she was doing as she's been doing this stuff for at least 5 years. What you decided to do with the toys a stranger attempted to give your children was donate them back to people in need. Some might throw them away, but you put the toys to good use.
It might be time to go LC with your dad if he can't respect your boundaries as well (NC with your stepmom). Tell your father if her behavior does not stop immediately then you'll have to reconsider how much contact you'll have with him. Keep protecting your children!
SMGiftsThrowA (OP)
I used to be LC with my father. When I cut contact with Mary, she spent a few months trying to use him as a messenger. He’s since agreed to stop, and our relationship has been improving, but I do intend to proceed with caution if we can't sort this out. She’s also had her mother call me to tell me off three times, and her brother once. I've blocked them both.
Electronic_Goose3894
"He’s since agreed to stop..." Oh, hunny, if you think for an instant he didn't know that box was coming and went along with the manipulation, I'm sorry to break it to you but he's still team Mary through and through.
SMGiftsThrowA (OP)
He said he didn't know about the toys until Mary told him (I think she expected a thank you note or something). I'm not sure I believe that, but that's not really what I'm concerned about right now.
Winter-eyed
NTA. Mary spent hundreds of dollars not on a “loving gesture” but on a manipulation tactic and it failed. She had been told where she stands and yet she is still flailing around like she’s lost. She isn’t she’s just trying to be the victim. Mary needs to move along and find some other outlet for her frustration.
BeachinLife1
By this point I'd probably go NC with my dad too. He used to aid and abet her, and still defends her. Whatever she did to make you cut her off, that should be enough to make your dad respect your wishes, and he clearly does not.
About a week later OP came back with this update:
Hey guys. Thank you for your input.
Many of you stated you wouldn’t be able to make any judgment without knowing why I have no contact with Mary. I think that’s completely fair.
I explained it better in the comments (and I recommend reading them), but Mary was awful to me when I was young. I loathe talking about it (though therapy has been helping with that), but it stemmed from the fact that I wouldn’t allow her to be a “second mother” to me. I went into low contact with her in my early 20s, and she'd still treat me like crap whenever I saw her.
When my son was born, Mary begged me to give her a second chance. She apologized for “upsetting me” and promised she had changed. I warned her that if she ever overstepped or even remotely hinted at going back to her old ways, she’d never see me or my family again. To be honest, I’m surprised she lasted three years.
I didn’t clarify that in my original post because not only is this something I have trouble talking about, but I also didn’t think it was relevant. I was asking about the donations, not whether I was justified in cutting ties with Mary. But I do agree that it's best to have the complete picture before making judgment calls, so I apologize for withholding that.
Another thing I didn’t mention is that Mary never had children of her own, and my only sister is childfree. My kids are the only grandchildren in the family, which I think is why Mary wants to see them so badly.
Anyway, I went through your comments and organized a list of things I wanted to say to my father. I thought about making one for Mary as well, but I doubt she’d actually listen to it.
I spoke to my father on Saturday. He said he talked with his wife. Apparently, Mary bought the gifts because it “broke her heart” to be unable to watch my kids grow up, and she hoped the toys would "at least let them know how much she loved them."
My father also said that Mary told him about the gifts (he’s insistent he had no idea) because it had been a while and me and the kids hadn’t thanked her yet. My husband and I have our children say “thank you” through voice messages whenever they get a gift from someone who isn’t nearby. We've done that for my father before, so I think that’s what Mary was expecting.
I explained that it didn’t matter how thoughtful he thought Mary’s gesture was. When I cut ties with her, I cut her off completely. That means no gifts, no phone calls and no contact with my children, directly or not. She can claim to love them all she wants, but she will never have any involvement in their lives.
We had another argument, but I put my foot down. I told my father that if he ever attempts to assist her in any way or brings up “Grandma Mary” to my children, he will never see me again. I’ll allow him to be a part of his grandkids’ lives, but he needs to accept that his wife won’t be.
Ultimately, my father agreed, but I intend to watch him closely from now on. I don’t want to cut contact with him, but this will be his final chance. If he screws this up, he’s done.
While I’m not 100% confident this will last, I’m still happy with this outcome. I’ve been going through a fairly stressful time at work, and it feels great to have this weight off my shoulders now. More importantly, I feel like I’m well equipped to deal with whatever comes next. I don’t intend to write any further updates. Once again, thank you
Here's what people had to say after the update:
bubblegumwhirl
NTA. It’s clear that you’ve set healthy boundaries, and your dad needs to respect those. It’s not about the gifts it’s about ensuring Mary has no part in your family’s life if you’ve cut ties with her.
madpiratebippy
NTA. If a woman ab^%$#d you as a child you know she can abuse your kids, good job sticking to your guns and not letting her get her claws in your kids. Your Dad is in a tough spot between you and his wife, I'm going to bet mostly because of her, and I hope he realizes just how serious you are about this and stays involved with your kids. Otherwise?
The trash took itself out. He didn't protect you against your Stepmom as a child and this is the consequence of him picking a woman over his own kids.
SMGiftsThrowA (OP)
I think I've managed to make it clear that when I say I'm cutting ties, I mean it. If my father demonstrates he hasn't gotten the message, I won't feel conflicted about cutting him off as well.
madpiratebippy
Good for you. If it helps, internet stranger, I'm proud of you for breaking the chain of pain and ensuring a better life for your kids than you had. From one Mom who did this to another- good job.
SMGiftsThrowA (OP)
Thank you. I'm proud of you too ;)
Samarkand457
Oh, she's one of those. Yeah, no wonder she has been sealed off in the Shadow Realm.
Jayn_Newell
OP, I’ve done the same thing you did. Allowing the gifts means allowing her space in your life, and I’m guessing you don’t want to deal with that (not to mention what effect she might have on your kids as they grow up). And getting rid of them really emphasizes that you really want nothing to do with her.
I hope you and your family have peace (though I do expect you may have to eventually cut contact with your father. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this)
SMGiftsThrowA (OP)
I hope my father and I can salvage our relationship, but I'm preparing for the worst.