'AITA for donating some winter coats to two cold little girls?'
"AITA for donating some winter coats to two cold little girls?"
This situation is so confusing to me. Let me explain what happened. It's gotten very very cold recently where I (46F) live in the midwest. My son (13M) has two friends, twin girls (13F) who moved here in September from California. They hang out at our house a lot, one more than the other.
Yesterday my oldest daughter (20F) is home for winter break. She came into the kitchen where I was and told me she doesn't think the twins own good winter clothes. When I looked, one was in a hoodie and the other was wearing a jean jacket.
My daughter asked me if we had any of her old clothes in the attic that we were maybe saving for my youngest, so we went up to look. I found lots of nice clothes from when my oldest was younger. Some good quality coats, long sleeved shirts, even a solid pair of snow boots.
I decided that the twins needed those clothes a lot more than my youngest who hasn't grown into them yet; I can always buy her new things but these girls are poor. My son says they share one wardrobe already. My daughter took the clothes to the twins and told them they were theirs or we were going to throw them out.
They're pretty stubborn girls but they accepted the donation and seemed subtly overjoyed about it. I expected that to be the end of it. Instead, this morning I heard knocking on my door. When I opened it, it was the twins' stepdad. He had the box of clothes we sent home with them. He told me "we don't take donations in this house" and to keep my nose out of his business.
He acted like I had ruined his day and really put him out. I asked him if the twins had their own winter coats already that they just weren't wearing, and he said that they're tough, as if that means they don't get cold. My husband says I should have expected that reaction. I tried to call their mother but couldn't get ahold of her. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Clear-Mulberry-23 wrote:
The stepdad came and said something? THE STEPDAD? Where TF was the mom? Or the father?
NTA. The stepfather tho...
OP responded:
To my knowledge, their father is still in California and they haven't heard from him since they left. Their mother is a very...timid woman. She's sweet and clearly loves the twins but she's definitely under her husband's thumb. I try to not be too nosy in family dynamics though.
Dangerous_Cow_7372 wrote:
NTA, it may be presumptuous but I'd bet money on the fact that the stepdad is abusive towards them. I mean sending your kids out with no coat during a Midwest winter is abuse in itself. If he sent them with coats and they made the decision to take them off that's one thing but to not even have it be an option is cruel.
Keep those poor kids close and give them give them a safe space to come to and be a person they can confide in. Obviously try not to overstep any "boundaries" with the stepdad because I'd hate for them to not be allowed to come over due to some bs. I may even talk to someone at the school so they know to keep an eye out for anything suspicious.
Document, document, document everything you find suspicious. Some people may comment that I'm overreacting but when it comes to kids you should always keep an eye out for any early warning signs. I'd rather be presumptuous than regretful.
OP responded:
The worst part is that I only see one of the girls every one to two weeks. She doesn't come around as much as her sister, and I've never seen her interact with my son. I don't think she's in the friend group. She was coughing bad yesterday.
SquirrelyGirly wrote:
NTA. You damaged the father's pride. Maybe now he'll get the girls some coats. Just know he thinks you look down on him and will probably behave really crappy towards you from now on. What you did was kind and generous. The response was to take offense. That doesn't magically turn kindness into AHery.
OP responded:
I'm not sure his own son even has a good coat, I don't see him spending money on anything for the girls. He seems to be the type to be annoyed that he has to buy two of everything.
Prestigous_badger36 wrote:
NTA - that dad needs to learn the lesson that pride is never more important than the health and well being of your children!!! You did the right thing. I grew up very poor & learned early that swallowing my pride occasionally and taking help could be amazing.
Captains-Log-2021 wrote:
NTA. We never turned away gifts just because they were “pre-loved.” I think he had his pride hurt. Maybe the jackets alone would have been okay, could have said “wear these on the way home, it’s a bit colder today” or something. We can never predict how people will react, but it doesn’t mean we should stop helping people.
christmasshopper01 wrote:
That's sad. I grew up in an upper middle-class neighborhood, and all the moms handed around clothes to one another. It wasn't a big deal, and certainly no one saw it as a "donation." Poor girls. NTA.
Randomnamerandomly wrote:
NTA I would call CPS if I were you. Their step-dad is actively not properly taking care of the twins to the point that they don't have basic winter gear. Pride should never get in the way of your children's basic needs. At this point, I would consider giving back the warm clothes harm.
AuntieKC wrote:
NTA - but watch those kiddos please. "They're tough" is code for "Idgaf about these kids but my ego outranks their comfort and safety."