'AITA if I don’t attend my daughter’s wedding because her father will be there?'
"AITA if I don’t attend my daughter’s wedding because her father will be there?"
28 yrs ago, my daughter’s father left us for our babysitter just a week after her 1st birthday. He had 2 kids with her, & left her for their babysitter as well. Moved across the USA and married her.
Our daughter didn’t see or hear from him at all. No emails, calls, no child support. When she was 14 we discovered she was bipolar & put me thru hell, even with medication. Fast forward 28 years.
Found out lots of things, including that he had people spying on me all those years & reporting back to him on what I was doing. “He was worried about the kids with me as a parent.”
(For context - I raised 7 kids (this daughter Is child #4, mostly as a single parent, by my own choice. I never had a welfare check, went thru college 3 times for 3 different degrees and never had the electric shut off, go to a shelter or was homeless.)
He Never sent any messages, emails, phone calls, birthday card, anything. Now, I’m raising said daughter’s son, he is 9 and I have had him since he was 1 due to neglect and emotional abuse. He will soon be 10.
She visits with him when it’s convenient for her, which isn’t often. Her boyfriends have always been twice her age and way more important to her than her son. One bf went to prison.
We have full legal custody and have the right to tell her no any time we like, but for the boy’s benefit, we figured some contact is better than none. He is in counseling and his counselor has ripped her a new ass twice.
He said “either be all in or be all out.” She just can’t seem to do either one. She also didn’t pay child support for 7 years, but the last 18 months they ordered her to pay $60 a month, which we discovered her father has been sending her to pay.
She cant hold a job or a place to live. He gave her a BMW & drove it here. He’s given her thousands of dollars & paid her rent. He has said some vile stuff about me that has gotten back to me.
I feel like both of them has really made a lot of my adult life a lot harder than it has had to be. While they’re off living it up & having fun, being all “lovey dovey family” while I’m over here exhausted and struggling.
While I went on with my life and I have a wonderful man now….my daughter and her twice her age flavor of the week are talking about getting married. He hs had a vasectomy, doesn't ever want kids and has no desire to be in this boy’s life, let alone encourage her to do it.
Good for her, if that’s what makes her happy. However, I have zero desire to attend that wedding, especially if her father is there and giving her away. Their relationship is not my business and I hope it’s a happy one, but I really have no desire to have all that rubbed in my face.
It’s like neither one ever cared how their behavior affected my heart, soul, or life. Would I be an AH if I choose not to attend? Because I feel like if I don’t, that’s just another reason for those 2 to bad mouth me and make me feel like a POS parent because I’m supposed to support her no matter what.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You need to understand deeply that you don’t want to go to your daughter’s wedding for about 50 different valid and heartbreaking reasons, the least of which is the fact her father will also be there. NTA.
doiattendthewedding (OP)
Ty for this viewpoint. I just realized it’s correct.
So... have YOU gone to therapy? Because when you say things like- "It’s like neither one ever cared how their behavior affected my heart, soul, or life" it is abundantly clear that you haven't absorbed the life lesson that you can only control yourself. You can't control other people, and you can't blame other people for controlling you...
You are clearly allowing them to control your thoughts and feelings... and it's super complicated, and I can't blame you, but the only way you're going to free yourself from whatever guilt... or... whatever it is you are feeling about not attending this wedding, is through working on yourself with a professional.
doiattendthewedding (OP)
Yes, I have been seeing a therapist for a few years.
Excellent! I hope they can provide the support you need to make it through the period surrounding this event in a way that feels safe for you.
Wow, I can't recall when my opinion from a title changed so drastically after reading the post. NTA. I would not go to it simply because of her irresponsibility, let alone the father thing.
NTA Your title is incredibly misleading. As far as I can tell, this has nothing to do with her father and everything to do with the fact that she abandoned her child with you and checked out of any relationship with you. You don’t have to go to weddings of people you have no relationship with. That being said, was her son invited? He may want to go and he might need you there.
Ask yourself how you will feel in ten years if you miss it. And how you will feel in ten years if you go. Only you can answer that question, but whichever option brings you closer to peace and happiness, I hope you chose that one.
doiattendthewedding (OP)
I absolutely love this comment. Thank you for this viewpoint!
YTA, not because you don’t want to go to the wedding but because in 8 almost 9 years you have continued to let your daughter walk all over you and her son. He is in counceling, THANK YOU!! But you say she has been told twice, “be all in or all out”. She’s proven she won’t and you continue to let her because “something is better than nothing.”
Please go see a councillor for yourself. That hurt, you are letting her do that. You are giving her power. And letting her hurt you and letting her hurt her son. Because you think that you guys need to live life on her terms.
Who cares if she wants to visit, she’s going to show up in her BMW, make all kinds of promises, show off how good she’s doing and leave you, and her son, in the dust again. $60 a month support that her dad sends her to send to you? That’s insulting. She doesn’t care enough to work, to make an effort.
The sooner you listen to what the councillor is trying to say and protect your grandson the better. This isn’t about you. This isn’t about your daughter. This is about this poor boy that needs someone to really put him first. You’re so worried about your ex being there and what other people are going to say that you don’t even think about how this is going to affect your grandson.
Please wake up!! He’s 10, at what point is he going to go down a similar path to your daughter because he doesn’t know what true love is. Right now love is being a doormat to others. Love is inconsistency and broken promises.
True love means loving yourself first. Standing up to those that hurt you and being stronger for it. Yes it sucks at times. But would you rather be at a wedding to be mocked and used? Or would you rather stay away, and be mocked? You need to show your grandson healthy boundaries. Your attendance isn’t about you, it’s about him too.
I would suggest a family session and you can all discuss how this makes him and you feel and some heathy boundaries that need to be set in order for your grandson to be the best he can be.
doiattendthewedding (OP)
I agree. I really have let her walk all over me. We do go to family sessions, this child has been in therapy for over 5 years. He hasn’t said to cut off contact yet, he’s only told her to be all in or all out, and when he feels that it’s best to cut off contact we will do so. We are very much following what the counselor suggests. Thank you for your viewpoint, I appreciate it.