'AITA if I don't attend my brother's wedding since he invited my dad's affair partner?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I don’t attend my younger brother's wedding because he invited the woman who caused my parent's divorce?"

I (28F) have a younger brother (24M) who’s getting married next week. I’ve kept quiet about a lot of things with this wedding that hurt me because I didn’t want to add stress for him and because I recognize that this is his and his bride's day.

For example: 1) He was a groomsman at my wedding, but I wasn’t included in his wedding party; 2) The son of the woman my dad had an affair with is a groomsman; 3) I wasn’t invited to do hair/makeup with the bridal party, or included in the family procession.

I stayed quiet through all of it, even though it hurt. To make things worse, I missed the engagement party and bridal shower because I live out of state. The one thing I did get excited about was when he asked me to give a speech at the rehearsal dinner — I wrote it the next day and even shared it with some friends who aren't going to the wedding.

But now here’s the issue: my brother invited “Amanda” — the woman my dad had an affair with. This, and his other affairs, led to my parents divorce about 15 years ago. I figured she wouldn’t actually come (others told my brother it was a bad idea and he brushed them off), but I just found out she RSVP’d yes.

This triggered me hard. Amanda wasn’t just “the other woman.” Their affair directly led to a lot of fights between my parents, some of which I witnessed and some that were dangerous. Just seeing her name, even all these years later, immediately led to panic attacks. When I learned she’s coming, I had a full breakdown — shaking, crying, nausea.

When I told my brother, he said I should “get over it,” that there’ll be 200 people there and I won’t even sit near her. My SIL said “it was a long time ago, how are you not over it?” My mom, who does not want Amanda there but who loves my brother so much that she is willing to go along with Amanda's invite, told me to keep the peace and go.

My dad is ignoring me after I told him this is his fault and asked him to fix it. I honestly don’t think I can attend. I’m afraid I’ll have a panic attack and cause a scene if I see her. Since I found out, I've been depressed, anxious, my body is tense and I am struggling mentally. At the same time, I know this will ruin my relationship with my brother, and I feel devastated about it.

There is a lot of additional drama associated with Amanda and her family that I haven't included because the post already felt long. WIBTA if I didn’t go?

Edited to add: Amanda is not married to my father. She is still married to the same man she cheated on with my father. The groomsman is not my half-brother.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

mangoserpent said:

Feel free not to go. Your brother sounds like he might be cut from the same cloth as your father.

lawgirlamy said:

Is Amanda married to your dad? If not, why in the world would she be invited to your brother's wedding?

OP responded:

No, she is still married to the husband she cheated on with my dad, 15 years ago. This is all very messy, small-town, drama. The reason she is invited is because her son is a groomsman (lets call him Cade) and his girlfriend is a bridesmaid and my future SIL's best friend (lets call her Abby). Future SIL is more concerned with making her best friend happy here, I think.

To elaborate on the small-town drama and the messiness of Amanda's family and my dad's side of the family: At the time of my dad and Amanda's affair, Amanda's husband slept with my Aunt Karen, my dad's sister. About a month ago, Cade cheated on Abby, who he plans to propose to, by sleeping with Aunt Karen's daughter, my cousin.

I truly cannot believe how entangled her family is with my dad's. I moved many states away from this small town when I graduated college, and it seems that they are all stuck in the past, repeating the same behaviors.

Crystal-Shore said:

Dude, NTA. This ain't about "gettin over it," that trauma is legit. Your bro's all sorts of wrong here. It ain't just about guests, it's about feelings & respect. Tough call, but your mental health matters. Gonna be a sh*t show with or without you tbh, might as well choose you. You do you, sis. Screw the drama.

BlazingSunflowerland said:

Your brother isn't worrying about ruining his relationship with you. In fact, he seems determined to destroy it.

Embarrassed-Toe-7668 said:

Can I ask, for what reason (if you know of course) is your brother linked in with these former affair partners? It seems bizarre. If you have room in that rehearsal dinner speech it would be mighty tempting to include a part in relation to why it’s quite understanding of them to appreciate why you can’t attend due to some attendees who will be present that caused great distress in your life.

You certainly wouldn’t be the AH for not attending. They can invite who they like and as you now know what your night may be like you have every right to not surround yourself with such company. It’s almost like they want there to be drama at their wedding.

OP responded:

Yes, of course - my brother stayed in the small town where we grew up. I did not know this until I told my brother I could not attend under the current circumstances, but apparently he goes to Amanda's home for dinner, and golfs with her son and husband.

He was much younger than I was when our parents were married so I don't think he witnessed/remembers a lot of the incidents and affairs. My sister (27F)and I have shared these stories with him, but we are met with indifference and at times it even seems that he does not believe us.

Later that day, OP shared this update:

After I had a phone conversation with my brother about my reaction to hearing Amanda's RSVP "yes", during which he told me to "get over it", I sat with the thought of not attending for a few more days. I felt that I may be overreacting, and not attending my brother's wedding is something that I can't take back. Ultimately, when I decided I could not go, I texted both him and his fiancé:

"Hey guys, I'm so sorry to have to send this. When I found out Amanda would be at the wedding, I had a panic attack. It brought back a lot of painful memories, and I have been very anxious since. I'm afraid that if I attend, I might have another reaction and cause a scene, which I would never want on your special day. To make sure I don't take away from your joy, I feel I need to step back from attending.

This was not an easy decision, and I'm truly heartbroken to miss being there as you start your life together. Brother, I wrote a speech - I'd love to send it to you so you can still have it".

My brother responded "That's f***ing crazy" and my FSIL said "this absolutely breaks my heart that you are not wanting to come. I am very sorry for what happened between your parents and I'm sorry that I don't understand the heaviness that comes with it, truly. We made the guest list forever ago and when we went through it was not a second thought when we discussed what parents were coming.

We have had many dinners over there and Brother has golfed with your dad and Amanda's husband many times. It never croseed our minds that it would turn into this situation. I have been physically sick over this and have been praying and will continue to pray that you will have a change of heart and can extend some grace in this situation and be there for your brother.

There will be 220+ people at the wedding in a large venue and I pray that you will attend and support our marriage".

I still feel uncomfortable with the idea of going to the wedding, but my brother and SIL are making me feel terrible about not going, so I waver in my decision.