Couple nervous to bring new baby to 'toxic' family wedding; 'I don’t want my son to know terrible people.' AITA?
"WIBTA if I don’t bring our baby to a family wedding because we don’t get along with a few in-laws?"
My husband (38M) and I (37F) are the first to have a baby for both sides of our family. It’s been super fun and we get along grand with everyone in my family and most people in his.
Two of his siblings, out of 7, are well, pretty big judgmental AH. We have unfortunately had to cut off his brother due to him being crazy and accusing us of crazy ass things while doing those things himself (theft and drugs) because god forbid we told him “no” one too many times. His oldest sister has decided she believes the brother and jumped on the accusation train wreck with him.
Anyway, now the youngest sibling is getting married and having her reception and small (20-something) dinner at the oldest sister’s house (the one who scorned us). My husband and I love his youngest sister and don’t want to miss her day, but it’s a small event with two people we don’t have in our lives not only being there, but the oldest sister is hosting.
We have a 5 month old who will be around 1 year the time of the wedding. He’s the only grandkid and I don’t think we’re going to bring him, which we can’t decide is an AH move or not.
I feel like if we bring him we’re giving access to our kid to people we really don’t want in our lives. My MIL loves to take our child and then pass him around as it is and there’s no way in hell he’s getting passed to people who treat us like garbage.
Also, maybe our kid just won’t have a good time there? Like he’ll be bored? But if we don’t take him we’ll be guilted because “family” and “wedding”. I want to honor my sister in law on her day and she wants us all there.
But, I don’t want my son to know terrible people just to appease the ones we like. We also don’t want to create more drama by saying no or keep awful attitudes going by making the youngest feel like we’re involving her in our “drama”.
What’s the line? Do we just go (the two of us) and not even say anything about our son being babysat leading up to it? Do we let them know in advance? Do we just not go to the wedding at all?
I would like to go to show our support but I just don’t want our kid there.
Besides, maybe we want to party and not worry about a baby at all, right?!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA for leaving baby at home. It makes perfect sense to not want to include your child in the drama and expose them to people you’ve cut off. I wouldn’t make a big announcement about it, rsvp for you and spouse only. If anyone asks you can say it’s just easier to leave baby with a sitter so you can focus on celebrating the newlyweds.
There's really no reason to bring a 1 year old to a wedding for any reason, they'll either be bored (needing mom/dad during festivities) or they will be cranky/ overtired/ crying/ screaming. Passing around a baby during what will be cold/ flu/ COVID/ rsv season is risky to the baby. I would get that babysitter and not tell anyone. It's none of their business if you bring baby or not. NTA.
NTA. But you have an on going problem; if you want to keep your child away from these people, then you are going to have to make some hard choices. I would suggest you accept the invitation to the ceremony and decline the invitation to dinner. Issue a separate invite to the newlyweds to come dine with your family at a specified time in the near future.
Yes, you could very plausibly turn up to a wedding without the baby, but in the future? When she hosts your MIL 60th, and MIL insists on you bringing the 5yo, what will you say? I would rip the bandaid off and start as you mean to go on. Unless you can envision a future where you find a way to forgive them?
Glowingwaterbottle (OP)
This is a good point. We’ve managed to do most things really well all things considered. Usually we just respond yes to events and the other two siblings, when finding out we’re going choose not to go. The sister likes to host and has invited us to multiple things and we have accepted, just to have her pull the rug on us based on what the brother says.
I would say 90% of the time we don’t even know why, just suddenly we’re accused of made up stuff and dropped from invites. The final nail in the sisters coffin for us was when she uninvited us from thanksgiving in 2023 based on the brother.
Normally no biggy but it was days before and I had already bought food, told my own family I couldn’t go to their events, and taken off work. That was the last time we chose to be treated so terrible. That event alone split the family as a few relatives thought it was awful and decided to skip her Thanksgiving. It’s been weird. We have tried to lay low and just not deal with them.
As for forgiveness, we tried that route, multiple times. They are two very petty people. But you’re right, it’s going to be hard but we’re going to have to start saying no and explain we’re not trying to pull anyone into drama, just aren’t interested in dealing with these people anymore.
NTA. Many people don't even want infants at their wedding. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to bring your infant there. You shouldn't even have to say anything about it. As the parents, it's entirely your call.
NTA. Do whatever you want. There is no right or wrong in this situation. I do feel that you are overthinking this. A one year old won't even remember the event. Meeting these bad family members is not going to harm him.
At the same time, you will have a better time if you don't have him there. You'll actually be able to talk to people. For me, that would be the deciding factor. Do I want the excuse of "I have to deal with my kid" or the freedom to be an adult without that responsibility for the evening.