'AITA for telling my daughter I don't want to see her or meet my granddaughter?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my daughter I don't want to see her or meet my granddaughter?"
I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background. I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter.
But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there.
She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe.
But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time.
I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.
But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy.
I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later.
I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.
A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life.
She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out.
She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything in our lives, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up. Was I the AH?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
chezibot
It is true no one falls in love faster than two married coworkers.
moooooolia
You wouldn’t get it, he was saving her! You wanted him to offer a safe space and comfort WITHOUT getting intimate with her!?
dcamom66
This unreliable narrator tells us the ex trashed him. I think she was rightly angry that he was that he had an affair and she had to discover it on her own. This is a guy who is self-centered and self-serving and blew up his daughter's life as a vulnerable time in her development of her relationship to the opposite sex.
He gives it one year, If that, then writes her off for life. Now, he wants no chance to build a relationship with his adult daughter and grandchild. This guy's a major douche and AH. He's as selfish as they come, and I'm sure his daughter and her family benefit from not having him around.
I'm sure it hurts her to have that hole, so she was open with him, gave him a chance to do the same with her, and he hurt her AGAIN. Then he has the audacity to come on here to ask if he's an AH. Yes, yes, you are a massive one OP.
tytynuggets
This is one of the most obvious YTA posts I've seen here, good lord.
afspouse123
YTA I hate when adults make very bad adult decisions that affect their children and then blame the children when they respond in a very child-like manner. Your daughter was a teenager. That is a rough time for kids even when their home life is stable.
You gave her one whole year before you cut bait and gave up on her. Then you moved away. You told your daughter that she wasn't important enough to fight for and she believed you.
Now that she is an adult with a child of her own, she has reached out to you and you again told her she wasn't important to you. She now knows she was probably right to cut you out the first time.
Later OP came back with this update:
Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago.
I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again.
I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there.
I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.
Here's what people had to say after OP's first update:
I love how the dog comes before the mention of a sister.
I've got a dog that's more like a sister and a sister that's more like a dog
3 months later OP came back with this update:
I have moved to the farmland, and am looking forward to spend the rest of my life here with my dog and my sister. It is peaceful and scenic.
My daughter did come by to visit me with her husband and her daughter before I left the country. It was really nice seeing my granddaughter, who looked a lot like her mom. They stayed over at our place for a week, and we had a good time.
However, it got a little sad when I told my daughter in private I had no interest in being a grandfather, and just didn’t have strong emotions for it. I think those words really stung her, and my daughter did cry a lot after I said those words. My daughter wanted to rekindle our relationship, but it’s just too late now.
I told my daughter she’s free to visit me in the farmland anytime she wants and the house is always open, but I doubt she’ll be visiting anytime soon. The week she stayed over at my place before I left the country was a final goodbye for us. She has my number, but she hasn’t called or texted since she left, and I haven’t called or texted her either.
That’s the update for the many interested, this will probably be my only update.
Here's the top response from the update:
I’m definitely about to be an outlier here based on these comments and I’m going to stick to it. Based on the original post from 81 days ago, where not surprisingly most people called you TA, not only are you TA, you are a deadbeat selfish father, and a cheater. You made your bed, you had a child, and then cheated on your wife. You then blamed that child for your disgusting betrayal.
And this is about to be odd after calling you TA, but I am proud that you decided to speak up and tell the truth. No child deserves to have a father who loves her so little, blamed her for his mistakes, and now refuses to see her or his granddaughter because of his mistakes. Thank you for at least being honest that you are a terrible human being and not wasting her time.