'AITA if I don’t go to my friend's wedding because I’m not a bridesmaid or invited to the bachelorette?' UPDATED

"AITA if I don’t go to my friend's wedding because I’m not a bridesmaid or invited to the bachelorette?"

In 2022 we moved and made friends with a couple Melanie and Adam. In 2023 we were invited to go to Mexico with them and some friends but we unfortunately couldn’t make it as I was sick. Adam was going to propose to Melanie and 10 minutes prior he got cold feet and told her his plan and said he can’t do it.

For the next year they were on and off, going to therapy, etc. During this time I supported Melanie and was the only one who didn’t tell her to leave him and not work on it (as told to me by her). This took a lot of emotional support and time which I have no issue giving a friend but it is worth noting. Also during this time she would always say “if I ever get married you’ll be a bridesmaid."

Well they got back together, Adam proposed, and they are getting married. Time passed and I saw other people get asked to be a bridesmaid but I never did. When I asked her about it she said that she was “limited” as she was paying for everything for her bridal party and there wasn’t room in the rehearsal dinner for anymore people.

While I was disappointed I told her I understood and no hard feelings. She said she still wants me to come to the bachelorette and we talked about different ideas and cities her and the MOH were thinking of. While hanging out Adam had also mentioned the bachelor party to my husband and even asked his thoughts a few different cities.

They also asked my husband to officiate their wedding but he is scared of public speaking and their other option is Melanie’s best friend who does public speaking for a living. We learned yesterday that we are not invited to the bachelor and bachelorette parties. While I went to the restroom my husband asked point blank.

Melanie said it was just going to be a tight knit group of girls (however I know one bridesmaid hates the MOH) and Adam apologized for having talked to my husband about it multiple times. Now their wedding is at an expensive resort in winter park, CO. Rooms there are expensive even with the discount, plus dog sitters for our 2 dogs, and flights.

We also have a baby who would be 1 year when we go and would have to leave him with family. If they had never told us we were a part of the wedding, asked to officiate or invited to these events we would not be upset however it feels extremely disrespectful and our feelings are hurt. So would we be AHs if we cancel our room and don’t attend?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

FoxSlyOldStoatyFox wrote:

F#$k ‘em. You obviously won’t enjoy it, and they don’t appear to like you very much, so nobody will benefit from your going.

booksycat wrote:

RSVP no and when asked: We're limiting our spending on just our tight knit group of friends.

UseSuitable6549 wrote:

Mmmm up until the end there I wouldn’t have had NTA, but I do now. It wouldn’t be a small thing for you to go to her wedding, it would be a huge commitment financially and time wise…destination weddings are for CLOSE friends and family. I feel like they pushed you out of that category for some reason, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Chicka-17 wrote:

No. Just say sorry but we are no longer able to attend. No explanation needed or necessary. She didn’t tell you why you weren’t ask to be a bridesmaid or why your husbands wasn’t asked to attend the bachelor’s party.

You had to ask for an explanation, you owe them nothing. But don’t be surprised if this comes between your friendship. Honestly, they don’t sound like very good friends, more like it’s all one sided as you and your husband give and they take. That’s my take from what I’m reading here.

A week and a half later, OP shared an update.

So here to clarify one thing and update everyone! Just to clarify when they asked my husband to officiate they openly told him there was another candidate and who she was. He was the groom's choice and she was the brides choice. It was the brides childhood friend who is a professional public speaker, meanwhile we’ve known they for only a couple years and 90% of it they were on and off.

Okay now for the update: The next day Adam texted my husband saying (summarized) “thanks for calling me out on the bachelor party whiplash-definitely dropped the ball on communicating. Then asked to hang out in the next couple of weeks."

My husband responded saying “water under the bridge- you mentioned it to me a couple times and asking where should it be who can is why it was confusing. It was also odd because you asked me to officiate which is higher than bachelor party but not invited to that, yet Melanie’s friend who is officiating is?"

"Also OP is legitimately hurt”. Adam replied “I can see how you would get that with the officiating but I see that separate from the bachelor party. I’ll reach out to the other guys and clarify with them about the party.”

Husband responded “generally a good rule of thumb to not openly and unsolicitedly talk about a bachelor party to people not invited.” Now after this Melanie texted me: “Hey your husband said you were upset about the bachelorette stuff and I just wanted to talk it through.

I did say I would love for you to come on the Bach if we decided to expand it to others out of the bridal party. Which I originally had every intention of doing and I stand by that. I told a couple of my other friends the same thing. We did a PowerPoint night to pick where to go for the Bach.

Everyone chose a location and mocked up a pitch. The winner wasn’t my first pick but I cared more about it being a shared experience where people had a say where we were going bc they’re committing to spend a lot of money. While researching airbnbs and activities it became clear that it wasn't a place to host big groups. The bridal party including me is 7 people.

So while yes I originally hoped that I would be able to include other friends and celebrate with you it just wasn’t looking like that was feasible with the location we chose. I was in the wrong for not updating you or anyone else I had mentioned I’d love to have there after I found that out and that’s on me, so I truly apologize for not being more transparent but it wasn’t for lack of not wanting you there.“

I replied a day later “Hey I’ve been sitting with this for a while because I didn’t want to come off angry — I’m just feeling confused and hurt as this has seemed to be a pattern….

First it was the multiple occasions (since 2023) you told me I would be a bridesmaid if you guys ever got back together. Specifically mentioning a girls night with me, MOH and bridesmaid saying that it would be with the “would have been bridesmaids”.

Then at the restaurant when we hung out I had to ask about it and when you told me I was not it was followed up by “i know you’re not a bridesmaid but you’ll definitely be going to the bachelorette. like you said that’s more fun and important anyway”.

You proceeded to list potential plans and cities and I was excited to celebrate with you. At the next girls night you again reiterated my attendance and the different places that were nixed. Again, I was excited. I then heard nothing and learned on instagram I wasn’t invited when the officiant posted the countdown on her story and both you and MOH reshared it.

I thought maybe you hadn’t invited me yet because we had been busy with baby & dog (had emergency surgery), but as time went on I realized what was happening. It is your wedding and obviously you can do whatever you want. You don’t owe me or anyone an invite to anything.

If these things hadn’t been mentioned multiple times I wouldn’t expect it, be upset, or anything. The goalpost just keeps moving and it’s hurtful to be told all these things, get my hopes up, and then they don’t happen and I dont even get the decency of a conversation. I’m not trying to make you feel bad — I just need to be honest about how all of this has felt from my side.”

That was sent on May 20th and haven’t heard back. We only got the save the date and booked the room they have reserved for friends and family which can be canceled. Thank you all for your support! Honestly I have felt so bad about this and knew internet strangers wouldn’t hold back if I was the ahole 😅

The internet had a lot to say in response.

WhoKnows1973 wrote:

NTA. This girl does not want to be your friend. She treats you terribly.

You deserve to be treated so much better than how she treats you.

Ready-Conflict-1887 wrote:

Honestly I understand venting your frustrations to her, you’re honest about your hurt…

But she probably doesn’t care. Sometimes is good to just not give others more of our energy.

“I wish you the best of luck on you and Adam’s journey together but this friendship has began to feel very one sided and I think I’m gonna take a step back.”

Organic-Willow2835 wrote:

The bride is not your friend. Her husband and your husband might be friends but she is not your friend.

Honestly? Stop investing any time or energy in this couple. Don't hang out with them. Don't go to the wedding. Certainly don't go to the shower.

It doesn't sound like your husband is invited to the bachelor party, either. He is officiating but not attending the party? I'm sorry but that is just really weird. If someone is close enough to be asked to officiate they are certainly close enough to attend the bachelor party.

Lets be real - these people like to hang out with you guys sometimes but they do not view you as friends. More like acquaintances. Don't invest any more time in them.

Think about whether or not you actually want to go to their wedding and spend the time and money doing that, purchasing a gift, etc if they couldn't even be bothered to be upfront, honest and treat you like a friend. And, OP, I suspect you dodged a bullet by not being asked to be a bridesmaid. She sounds insufferable.

lilyofthevalley2659 wrote:

You both just need to step away from these people. Your husband should just decline any part in the wedding and then decline attending as a guest. Then block them and find actually friends.