Women refuses to go to friend's court case because; "she told me I was too controlling." AITA?
"AITA if I don't go to my friend's court date to support her when she testifies in a sensitive case after she told me I was too controlling/motherly to her"
judgemesane
About three weeks ago my friend and I had a disagreement over something big. She did not see the problem but for me it was something so grave I was ready to step away from the friendship and told her I needed space.
When I expressed this to her she sent a three page email that, among other things, accused me of being codependent with her (I'm not), being too controlling, and (although she did not say this word) being too motherly with her by infantilizing her decisions by when they don't align with what I would do.
She told me I do this to everyone. I spoke about this with some mutual friends and friends that only knew me, who told me these accusations were unfounded and they hadn't noticed this behavior in me.
The email was nonetheless hurtful and the two of us agreed to reevaluate the friendship after new year. Until then we wouldn't do things together. We are still on a mutual group chat and are friendly there but don't talk personal stuff on there anymore, until today.
About seven months ago a man exposed himself to my friend at a park and followed her to her car. They were able to track him down. His trial date is in two weeks and she has to testify.
Today she posted in the group chat that she was really nervous about it. I could be wrong but I think it's a nudge to me because before our fallout she asked me if I would come and be in the audience to support her and I said yes.
The reality is however after our fallout and what she said I have no desire to go there and be her support in the audience. My life has been so much less stressful these past few weeks after stepping away from her and her endless cycle of drama/life crises, some which are real and 100% not her fault, and some of which she intentionally seems to engineer.
With regards to the trial, I don't want to be the equivalent of an emotional support dog that she can bring out of the cage when she needs me and then deride me the moment I try to establish some boundaries. Which I feel is what happened three weeks ago.
I am wondering if IMTA because I did say I would go beforehand. And I don't think she's close enough with other person who would take the time out of their workday to come, but could be wrong there.
I also told her before that if she reaches out to the local women's shelter they can send advocates on the day of to be with you. So it's not like I'm the only option. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
HolSmGamer
NTA. You both agreed to not do things together, if she wants support, she can go elsewhere. That being said, if you choose not to go, you should expect to no longer be friends with her even though you would be completely justified.
judgemesane (OP)
I'm not sure if she would give up on the friendship for something like this, but honestly after seeing how much better I feel without being her main pillar of emotional support I don't see myself going back at all to our close level of friendship when we confide in one another.
In her email she became an armchair therapist and weaponized a lot of personal stuff I told her about my family/childhood, which was deeply offensive. The only possible friendship I see is one where we can still do things in groups together, honestly.
That is to say I don't now or ever see our level of friendship being one where I would be her emotional support at a trial. So if she breaks it off because of that it just tells me she doesn't see any future in our friendship at all. Which is fine.
Tdluxon
NTA. Pretty ironic that first she says you are too motherly and infantilizing but now she wants you to come support her like a mother when she goes to court. Either way, the prosecutors will be there to walk her through it, as you pointed out, there are organizations that can send an advocate, there are other people in the group chat that could go... you're not the only option.
judgemesane (OP)
I didn't think it was directed at me! But I do think, having known her for ten years, posting that to a group chat of three people may likely been her opening the door to asking for someone to be there with her at the trial.
She's often not someone who asks for support directly. I posted this because I felt like an AH having agreed to go awhile back and now I'm in a place where I wouldn't want to honor what I said I would do. I wondered if I should offer to go again or ask if she still wanted me there.
kurokomainu
NTA
"the two of us agreed to reevaluate the friendship after new year. Until then we wouldn't do things together."
Given that you've agreed not to do anything together, unless she specifically asks you to come I would just leave things as they are and not go. It's not like you have talked about this and she has asked that this be an exception. You wouldn't want further accusations of codependency and you infantilizing her anyway, which would probably come if you did offer and then had another falling out.
Even if she does ask, it would still be okay to turn her down. It's not like you owe her this after the way she has treated you and how she views you. If I were you I would be very hesitant to involve myself with her again anyway if she manufactures drama -- which includes casting you as a character she is a victim of.
You don't need that in your life or spread around your friend group. As things are, if it turns out she's complaining to others about you not coming in support all you have to do is point out that you had agreed not to be involved with each other until after the new year and you have no intention of going against that.