'AITA if I don't let my best man give a speech at my wedding?'
"AITA if I don't let my best man give a speech at my wedding?"
I'm Felix (30m) and I'm getting married to my fiancée Autumn next summer in Portland. I'm a firefighter, she's a teacher my best man is my buddy Marcus who I've known since college.
Here's the issue. Marcus has a history of getting drunk and saying WILDLY inappropriate things at my engagement party 3 months ago Marcus got wasted and told a bunch of stories about my college years that were.
Not appropriate for a family event like stories about parties, girls I dated before Autumn, stupid stuff I did when I was 21 Autumn's parents were there. My GRANDMA was there.
Afterward, Autumn's mom pulled her aside and was like "your fiancé's friend is. Interesting." Which in mom-speak means "that guy is a disaster." Now were planning the wedding and I'm worried about the best man speech.
Marcus WILL get drunk. He always does at events. And drunk Marcus has no filter. I'm thinking about telling him he can be best man but someone else is doing the speech maybe my brother or my other groomsman who is more responsible.
i mentioned this to Autumn and she thinks it'll hurt Marcus's feelings. She says I should just trust that he'll keep it together for the wedding but I DON'T trust that. I've known Marcus for 10 years. I know exactly how he gets. My brother thinks I should just not have Marcus as best man at all if I don't trust him.
But Marcus is my best friend. We've been through a lot together. I WANT him standing up there with me, I just don't want him giving a speech that makes everyone uncomfortable. WIBTA if I take away the speech but keep him as best man?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Just ask him what he’s planning to say for the speech. Explain to him that it can’t be anything like the crap he was saying at the engagement party because everyone was really uncomfortable and several people were upset.
People need to know when their behaviour is causing issues or else they’ll keep doing it. You’re not asking him for anything massive, just not to make a fool out of himself and upset your wife at your wedding. He should understand.
He doesn’t have to tell you word for word what the speech is but just explain you’d like to know the themes to ensure there isn’t anything inappropriate in it. You can tell him exactly what kind of things you don’t want mentioning in it, such as past partners or sexual escapades.
If he acts offended, then say you can’t trust him not to cause upset to guests/your wife and you’ll have to give the speech role to another groomsman. Also, if there’s kids at the wedding, make a big point that he can’t be inappropriate for that reason.
Grandmas and little kids and mums are a totally different audience to his mates at the rugby club. His usual routine will flop, hard, and he needs to be aware. And don’t mollycoddle the man he’s 30 years old and still doesn’t know how to behave in public. He needs to be told when he’s making people uncomfortable.
Ask Marcus to to a reading during the ceremony and only have family speeches. He already gave a speech. Too many speeches is a bore anyway.
Edit: this assumes that the ceremony is early in the day before he starts drinking.
I would have kicked him out after the last speech.
Show your wife some respect.
Have this conversation with him. It gives him the chance and you can see his reaction. Make it about the family being more conservative, not about him being inappropriate. That will say itself, that way he doesn't feel like hes being scolded.
IF you allow him to speak, you need to have a plan for cutting him off. Cut the mike, have a friend interrupt and escort him off, set and enforce a time limit. You KNOW he will ramble into inappropriate territory. Even if you don’t invite him to make a toast, he may make a grab for the spotlight.
Idea - at my nieces wedding, best man and MOH didn’t toast. Instead, parents of the bride and groom each shared a few memories and well wishes as they welcomed the bride/groom into their families. It was very nice!
This is a tough one. If it were me I’d tell him how you feel. I’d say to him how embarrassed you were with his antics at your engagement and that you need him to be clear headed if he’s going to do a speech at your wedding.
That he can tell some stories but they need to be funny appropriate not rude. The people here are all your friends and family and your soon to be wife’s family. Tell him that if he can’t do that then you’d sooner not have him do a speech, that you may not have a best man speech at all or gave a brother do it.
If you lay it out for him. And say to him I want you to be my best man, but if you think he’s too drunk to do it then you’d rather pull the speech from the day. Then the ball is in his court - he knows how you feel about it and mention you were embarrassed in front of your soon to be in-laws. Good luck Let us know what you decide.
Have the conversation with him, while sober. I would ask someone else to have a speech prepared, and also have someone with control over Marcus' microphone. However, if he gets drunk and makes a stupid speech after being warned, you really need to think about the future of your friendship.
As a FF and a teacher, you both probably have morality clauses tied to your employment. People who are 30 and still struggling with their behavior to this extent under the influence arent exactly people you want around as you move up in your career.