'AITA if I don't participate in Secret Santa gift exchange during holiday party with the in-laws?'

"AITA if I don't participate in Secret Santa gift exchange during holiday party with the in-laws?"

Let me (27F) start by saying I don't have the best relationship with my mother-in-law (59F). We started off our relationship really well and at one point I genuinely thought her as my mother. However her lack of care for both me and my husband (30M) really upset me.

When I confronted her about it, she always had an excuse. Like for example she would weekly meet up with her daughter (36F) and the grandkids (15M, 12M) but when we asked to hang out she would always have excuses like she has too much going on with work and other priorities or we live too far (40 minutes away).

Another example, my sister-in-law was going through some financial difficulties, so my MIL makes the executive decision to cancel gift giving like 2 weeks before Christmas, mind you we already bought gifts!

She did this two years in a row! Later I find out she indeed bought a few expensive gifts for her daughter and grandkids. At this point it's so obvious that she neither wants to spend time with us nor wants to buy any thoughtful presents for her own son let along for me, something she so willingly does for her other kid.

Which brings me to this Christmas, she just texted us this morning that they won't do individual gifts again and instead do a secret Santa $25 gift card exchange. Mind you this lady makes over $150k and it's not like gift giving isn't her thing as she clearly does so.

At this point I am just tired of her coldness and I just don't want to participate in any of the family events. However I am going this year as her elderly mom passed away earlier this year and I want to show up and be there as this will be her Christmas without her mom. But really not feeling like bringing stupid gift cards. Anyway WIBTA if I just show up with a dish and no gift.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Update: Just want to explain the sister in law situation. She never told us she is struggling financially, the MIL did. Their kids are in private school, with ton of extra curriculum activities, they own a property in Irvine and takes international trips every year.

Something my husband and I can't quite afford yet. We asked the SIL if we can help them financially in anyway and they said no. But my point is my MIL basically cancelled Christmas last 2-3 years and then the SIL told us that she got X, Y, Z for Christmas, same Christmas we got nothing. I don't think the MIL counted on the fact that SIL would be excited to show me all the things they got for Christmas.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

liandera wrote:

I'd say this is a grey area as you will actually be there in person and, without a good excuse as to why you couldn't spend $25, it could cause tension through the whole family. If you are specifically going to support your MIL because of her loss, it doesn't make sense to cause that kind of tension.

At the very least you should say something before going like "oh, we decided not to do gifts this year to save some money, so we just wanted to let you know that we'll sit that part out."

That said, do you know who your gift would be for? Because if it is your MIL it is a great opportunity to get her a card to somewhere she truly dislikes or would just never use. Petty revenge! So YTA if you decide to not participate but also not give any notice (but your feelings are understandable). Maybe just let it go and participate this year as part of your support of your MIL, but change things up next year?

OP responded:

No idea how they will exchange the gifts. Maybe I am a kid at heart but half the fun of Christmas is shopping for people and seeing their face light up when they open it. I feel like she has taken that away from me by cancelling it the last few times. Part of me wants to do this just to make a point. Showing favoritism is not okay and I am not okay with this.

TrainingDearest wrote:

NAH. Despite being related to y'all, she does not 'owe' you a relationship. Those are built together, and not everyone is compatible - that's just a fact of life. How much money she makes and how she spends her own money is none of your business. She's allowed to spend her own money however she wants to and you are not entitled to presents or to demand she spends X amount of dollars on gifts.

Your complaint about the past Christmas gifting - where she decided to release the family from obligatory gifting because one person couldn't afford it - there's nothing wrong with that - same goes for her decision to buy some gifts for her grandkids and daughter anyway.

Your attitude about all of this is fully selfish and immature. It's fine if you don't want to participate in Secret Santa, but be an adult about it and communicate beforehand.

SigSauerPower wrote:

YTA. There's a GIANT difference between a mother helping her child AND GRANDCHILDREN and a mother giving gifts to her adult child and their spouse. You're more than welcome to choose whether or not you participate in gift giving/exchanges, but you really need to see the difference between your two families.

A husband and wife getting Christmas gifts is a lot different than a grandmother helping out her financially strapped child who has children. All I'm seeing here is that you're jealous that your SIL is getting treated differently than you are.

I mean really??? You don't see how it's completely different for a grandmother to spend time with her grandkids and daughter vs hanging out with her son and his wife?? Especially if they do live closer?? All I'm seeing is a grandmother that wants to spend time with grandkids and a grandmother that wants to make sure her grandkids are properly cared for. Unless that is you have kids and you left that out.

coastalkid92 wrote:

I don't think this is a question of if someone is an AH, I think this really boils down to a relationship issue and how your family navigates all this. And it is tough because I think so much of this issue lives in the grey and probably could be resolved with better communication.

On one side, you can acknowledge that your SIL is struggling and it sounds like does need a bit of extra support from MIL, whether that's through time or finances. If those aren't things you and your husband need but would like it perhaps does look like favouritism.

But I think if you consider it critically, especially with the gifting stuff, it might be that your MIL is trying to help level the playing field. If your SIL has a much lower budget, a gift card exchange or no gifts at all (or for the adults) might be what makes Christmas feel more inclusive for SIL.

However, on the other, I can acknowledge that these things coming out of nowhere puts you and your husband on the backfoot and like you're not being considered. If it were me, I would participate this year and then in the lead up to xmas next year, I would discuss gift giving ahead of time. Maybe the adults no longer need to do a gift exchange and you can just focus on the kids.

burakhasekix wrote:

YTA, but don't just show up empty-handed without warning. If you just show up with no gift while everyone else is exchanging them, you give her exactly what she wants: a reason to paint you as the difficult one. She will use it to victimize herself.

Instead, send a text before you go: "We are coming to support you during this difficult time and will bring a dish to share, but we’ve decided to opt out of the gift exchange this year."

This sets a boundary respectfully. She is clearly playing favorites (canceling gifts for you but buying expensive ones for the daughter is cruel), but don't let her drag you down to her level. Go, support the family, and leave the drama (and the gift cards) at the door.