'AITA if I don't report my coworker to HR for kissing me? I don't think it was planned.' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA if I don't report my coworker to HR?"
I (29F)am working in IT within a team of over 10 men and one woman coworker, (fake) Sandy. Sandy and I sit near each other in our office and we speak during the day, but never too much in detail or too personal stuff. I don't speak about my husband all day but it is definitely no secret that I am married.
Normally I take my lunch outside of the office, but today Sandy asked if I would like to have lunch with her at a local place. We had lunch and we spoke about the usual stuff like work, vacations and stuff. When we came back to the office, I told her I am going to the bathroom to freshen up (I am wearing braces so after each meal I have to take care of that), and she said she is coming too.
I don't know how things degenerated from her speaking about getting a haircut and me swishing water, but as soon as I finished she took my face and kissed me on the lips. This took me greatly by surprise and I took a step back and asked her what is she doing. She was immediately apologetic, said she must have understood things wrong. I told her I am married.
She kept saying sorry and left the bathroom. We did not have an argument but the rest of the day was really awkward. Had no idea she liked women. Also I have no idea how she got the impression that I like women. Anyway, after I got home, I told my husband because I wanted to know if I give off the vibe that I like women.
He told me I need to report this to HR. He did not get angry or anything, but he said this is unacceptable to happen at work. To be honest, I believe her that it was a misunderstanding and I trust that she understood my message clearly. My husband thinks that this should be reported regardless. I don't want to cause issues, would I be the asshole if I did not report Sandy to HR?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Mcbudder50 wrote:
In my experience, it's best to get things documented correctly and immediately. So many ways things can come back to you if not documented. What if she decides to get ahead of it, and say it was you that was forward. What if someone else came forward and somehow knew that she had done this to you too. it's just best to have that conversation to CYA.
EDJardin wrote:
It was absolutely a misunderstanding on her part, and in a social setting an apology would be adequate. However, this is a workplace. If you would report a man to HR for kissing you, then you should report her. It doesn't matter what her preferences are, it's inappropriate and needs to be dealt with by management.
Salty_Thing3144 wrote:
NTA, since it is your choice. Her conduct was extremely inappropriate and unprofessional, though. I have to wonder if there have been other "misunderstandings."
OP responded:
This is the thing, I never paid specific attention to her behaviour in the past. Usually at work we all speak of pets, have the occasional verbal tantrum over work stuff, and discuss the music we have at the radio. Spouses are rarely mentioned unless one of the guys asks about gift or vacation ideas. My husband's opinion is that this was her attempt at a date.
LectureBasic6828 wrote:
If it was a man would you report it?
NomadicusRex wrote:
But you would have been OK with going to HR if a guy did it, so yes, you're an AH here.
Ok_Aioli3897 wrote:
YTA if you don't report. It's harassment that you seem to be downplaying because the harasser was a woman.
A month later, OP shared an update.
So I reported my colleague to HR. After my husband kept telling me if it was the other way around, I would report it, I did it. I told HR that I don't want any investigation or to hurt her in any way, I just want to be on the record that it happened.
HR assured me no further action would be taken unless I want it, and it will be kept anonymous. I felt so bad for doing it, I thought I made a big mistake by reporting a misunderstanding. My colleague missed work the next couple of days and when she came back she was visibly changed.
Very annoyed. Since we still sit one next to another in the office, I behave normally and we don't speak about that day. Today she scoffed when a colleague from a different department passed by. I looked at her with the corner of my eye, but she saw it, and she leaned over to me and probably felt like it was a good time to dish some tea.
She told me she has been called to HR and given a lecture about work harassment and has a couple of in-person courses on this. I honestly froze at that moment. Sandy then proceeds to tell me that coworker who just passed must have reported her because they were flirting and she made some jokes that might not have landed well with that colleague.
I was there looking at her like an idiot not knowing what to say while she went on a rant about how this place is so against LGBTQ people and you can't make a joke or flirt without someone taking offence. She told me she is just trying to find people to have fun with and encourage them to explore their options.
She even gave me as an example "I tried to help you as well but for sure you weren't ready for it". I did not say a word and just looked at her for a second before coming back to my work. I felt like an idiot. I really thought she made a mistake by kissing me, and defended her so much to my husband, saying that it was a simple misunderstanding and she felt so embarrassed.
Now I know I was one of the people she tries to "help explore." I don't know what to do with this information. I still believe misunderstandings can happen, but I don't feel that bad for reporting her anymore. My husband was right. You guys were right.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
MaskedCrocheter wrote:
YTA if you don't go back to HR and update them. You need to let them know that she admitted to you that what she did was not on accident or innocent misunderstanding. They need to know that she is deliberately harassing fellow employees in an attempt to force them to change their identity (cis, lgbtq+, etc).
OP responded:
I fully agree with you, and I am going to HR tomorrow to update them. I feel like an idiot for believing her when she was apologetic and embarrassed.
Aegon2050 wrote:
Report her, and this time ask for an investigation. She is a malicious AH.
Novelamia wrote:
At first, it might've felt like a gray area, but now it's clear she has a history and intention that goes beyond a harmless mistake. Reporting her was the right move to protect yourself and your work environment
Beth21286 wrote:
She's also now badmouthing another colleague she has admitted to harassing.
Gold_Head7582 wrote:
For a fun exercise. Imagine if you switched the gender to male. What would you think of this attitude and behavior?
Top_Technician_7034 wrote:
She sounds like the equivalent of a man saying a lesbian just needs to have sex with him to be turned straight. Not OK!
OP responded:
This is the main idea of the comments from the original responses. Every other person said this. I get it that it is an eye opener for some. However, in absence of what happened today, if it was a man in her place and I believed it was a misunderstanding, I still wouldn't want to report it.
I really don't think this is a gender issue at this point. in her case it was obviously not a misunderstanding and I think I did the right thing to report it.
UsualEmergency wrote:
I'm thinking it's an issue of you being naive. No one kisses someone they work with "accidentally," kissing is an intentional action.