'AITA if I don't tell my gay son about this painful part of my past? I shut down when he came out.' UPDATED
"AITA if I don't tell my gay son about this part of my past?"
Hi everyone, I'm new here so I don't know if I'm doing this right. I am a 53-year-old dad to 3 kids including a wondreful son that is 16. For the sake of anonymity I will call him Ethan here. I will also try to keep it as short as possible. Basically my son is 16 and he came out a few days ago. I reacted very badly. I cried and basically locked myself in my room for a day straight. BUT not because he is gay.
I do not care about his homosexuality by itself. I love him so much. And I've always been very supportive of gay people I think, even in the 90s when it was not as accepted as it is now. I never cared about it. I even had a gay brother who was two years younger than me. And my breakdown to my son's coming out happened because of what happened to him. He was gay.
My favorite person in the world, my best friend, my confident. A bit scrawny lol but he had a heart of gold. Genuinely the kindest person on earth. But some people decided him being gay was enough to hurt him. Three guys attacked my baby brother because he "looked at them weird." I was there, I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t do anything except call the police, and only one guy got caught.
And yet the cops did nothing. that's what happens when the victim is a gay kid in Nebraska farmland I guess. Anyway they got away with it even though my brother got teeth missing, a twisted wrist and two broken ribs. He stayed in the hospital for three days. The next day when I went to check on him, he had overdosed and I still haven't been able to finish his letter. He was 19.
And basically, I never got over it. I still cry myself to sleep some nights when I'm alone, even more than 30 years later. And my son looks so much like him. I swear, sometimes I wonder if he isn't reincarnated or something. And everything that I told you, I haven't been able to tell anyone.
Not my wife, not my kids, not my gay son. They know my brother passed and that I don't talk to my parents, but not what exactly happened to him and that I disowned my parents because they were relieved they wouldn't have to hide their gay son anymore. And I do not know how to tell them. It's already hard enough to type this with very few details to strangers on the internet.
I don't think I will be able to tell the ones I love if especially if they ask for details. I'm broken, I know that. But I don't know what to do. I know my son deserves an explanation but every time I see him I want to cry. He must think I hate him and that breaks me even more. But I just don't know how to say it without breaking down completely. What should I do?
The internet did not hold back.
Important_Point8222 wrote:
Show him this post. Or write him a letter. Sometimes you can’t verbally express hard things. You are NTA but you need to communicate with him in some form or fashion. Much positivity coming your way from me. I know that has to be hard to think about day in and day out.
Ahleanna-D wrote:
This is the way to tell him your story without actually talking about it. It needs to happen - otherwise there’s a strong risk he thinks your reaction is one of not accepting him. You can close by reiterating that you can’t bring yourself to speak about the events, so if he has questions just…I dunno, pop you a text?
MartyMcFlyAsFudge wrote:
Yeah, at this point his son is totally under the impression that OPs response is to him coming out...dad NEEDS to rectify this ASAP. Or he is TA. His immediate response is understandable but his kid doesn't know or understand. I hope he gathers himself and does the right thing soon. Or we are gonna see a post about "I came out to my parents and my dad had a mental breakdown am I TA?"
XSmartypants wrote:
Wow, you have been carrying that trauma alone for way too long. Time to get some help, talk about your brother, your heartbreak, your loss and the love. Tell your son that you love him and that he is perfect as he is. When you are ready you should tell Ethan about his uncle. Thinking of you and sending love from this internet stranger.
Two days later, OP shared an update.
Hello everyone, if you don't remember me I posted two days ago about my son's coming out and my terrible reaction because of my gay brother's d**th. Your comments helped me realize a lot of things. I have been deeply traumatized by my brother's d**th and need to see a therapist but more importantly, I owed my family, especially my son an explanation, and an apology.
So I decided to tell them. I'm still really emotional right now so I apologize if I do not really make any sense. First, I told my wife. I wanted to have someone by my side when telling my son. I don't think I would have been able to otherwise. As it is still too hard to say out loud, I followed your advice and showed her this post. She cried a lot and told me I should have talked about it a long time ago.
She said she was contemplating mentioning divorce to me if I didn't change because she thought I was being so h-teful, but now she felt terrible. I told her it wasn't her fault and that I should really apologize to Ethan. I did not want to show him this post because it didn't feel enough given all the harm I caused so I decided to write a letter to him, my wife standing by my side all along.
I told him I couldn't say it out loud because it hurt too much. Apologized for how I reacted and explained to him he hadn't done anything wrong. Then I explained to him exactly what happened with my baby brother. Gave some more details I do not feel comfortable writing again. Told him how much I loved him and that I was so sorry for not showing it recently because of my insecurities.
That I'm so proud of him for coming out and that I will love him and support him always, no matter what. After this, I gave my son the letter without a word. I actually tried saying something but nothing came out. So Ethan grabbed the letter and went to his room to read it. I was honestly having a panic attack in my wife's arms when Ethan barged into our room crying and hugging me really tight.
He said he was sorry for my brother and that he didn't know. That he was glad I still loved him because he genuinely started to think I really hated him now. I think that's what broke me because I realized how I let my trauma make me a terrible father and let it stain my relationship with my boy. Well my son is doing better now.
Today my son smiled at me for the first time since he came out. I'm planning on taking him to the movies tonight, just the two of us. Also as you all suggested I booked a therapy appointment. I need it.
I haven't slept at all because whenever my mind goes blank, I either remember when I found my brother or when Ethan told me he thought I really hated him now. I need to get this fixed so I can finally live my life instead of pretending everything is alright. I've kept this all bottled up for so long, I need to let it go now. Thank you so much everyone.
The internet was so happy to hear the update.
JanetInSpain wrote:
Thank you for the update. I'm so glad you finally told your wife and your son. And that you've booked a therapy appointment. Now all of you can start to heal and grow together.
NewIntroduction4655 wrote:
This is beautiful and I'm glad you did this :)
Stay_camy10 wrote:
One more example of how important communication is—being able to manage emotions and reflect on what led us to act the way we did. We fully support you and are proud of this step you’ve taken.